July 3, 2009
Yes, you read that correctly. Yes, I mean Britney Spears. Yes, I mean her vagina. Let me explain. God, please, let me explain.
So, my son Matt and I are on messenger yesterday morning, and our already stimulating conversation turns to us ‘talking’ with a twangy Britney Spears accent (because, duh, you can hear it just by looking at the typed words) and making fun of the concert incident, in which Spears told her audience inadvertently (she thought her mic was turned off) that her ‘pussa was hangin’ out,’ and that sounds like something I made up, but it’s not. That is Spears’ gold, I tell ya. Oh, and the other incident where she had a very visible string hanging from her nether regions, which honestly, doesn’t surprise me all that much coming from Britney, but doesn’t she have people to check for that sort of thing? She does have people, right? Right.
Anyway, as we are both mocking what Britney said, and of course adding a few extra words in just for fun, Matt stops talking to me. I’m like where did he go? Then my convo box reveals that Matt is typing but holy hell, he’s writing a novel because nothing is popping up on his end of the conversation except I still see Matt is typing. What is he writing about? Then it became quite apparent. He had not been typing, he had been drawing. Yes, on MSN messenger you have a little pencil icon and it lets you freehand with the mouse. Um, well, after we were mocking Brit Brit’s “Oh ma gawd, ma pussa’s hangin’ out y’all,” he comes up with this:
I, of course, was appropriately laughing my ass off grossed out, shocked so proud of at my son’s ability to be artsy disgusting and as you can see, I let him know by typing ‘um, ewww!!!!,’ that secretly I was dying inside of laughter he went over the line.
So, as you can see, Matt and I have very intellectual conversations on messenger.
Happy Friday, y’all!
June 21, 2009
Jon and Kate Gosselin are divorcing! Jon and Kate aren’t divorcing! Jon and Kate are going to couple’s therapy! No, wait, Jon and Kate are renewing their wedding vows!
I don’t know what the big announcement will be on Monday’s Jon & Kate Plus 8, (OMG Y’all, I’m soooo excited!) but there are a few things that perhaps we’ve overlooked since we are all convinced it must be D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
Here are the top ten other possibilities:
1. Toys R Us will be stocking their shelves with the new Kate Gosselin “Barbie” doll. She will come with hand sanitizer, perfectly manicured nails, have a tan, a clipboard full of ‘to do’ lists, a slight scowl, and of course have Kate’s signature coiffure.
2. Jon found his balls and wants to C.E….L.E…B.R.A.T.E. good times, come on!
3. Mady and Cara are fed up with the sextuplets getting all of the attention and have decided to strike.
4. Kate is pregnant but Jon isn’t the baby daddy. And no, it’s not Kate’s bodyguard either. They’ll spend at least 12 episodes trying to figure out who the father is (hint: could be Emeril Lagasse).
5. Jon found his balls (see # 2) but Kate stomped on them but good and they’ll permanently hang on the hook beside the door. FOREVER. Don’t even think about taking those off the hook, buddy. She’ll cut you.
6. Jon begs “American Chopper” dudes to adopt him and he’ll clean their shop for free, every.single.day. if they never tell Kate where he is. They hide Jon in Mikey’s facial hair. He’s never seen again.
7. Kate agrees to let Jon continue to see 23-year-old women, but he has to make sure it doesn’t conflict with her tanning and nail sessions, because one of them must be home with the children while the other is out.
8. Jon and Kate have decided to invite the Duggars over for a barbecue.
9. Kate is going to give Octomom her hairstylist’s name and number.
10. Kate has written a book titled “How To Ruin Your Marriage In 15 Easy Episodes Of Reality TV.” Jon also wrote a book called “How To Lose Your Balls In 8 Easy Episodes & Pick Up Hot Twenty-Three Year Olds In 12.”
Seriously, I do want a happy ending. Ha, who am I kidding? No, really, I do. Honestly. Stop making me laugh, dammit. I do, I really, really do.
