October 10, 2005
Maddy was 3 years old at the time of this conversation. And let me tell you, she’s a beautiful child and she’ll talk the ear off of you if you let her.
She’s been talking since she was 18 months old…I mean really talking. Strangers used to stop me out in public and ask me how old she was because they were shocked at how well she spoke. Too well at times.
We were at the grocery store one day (she was about 21 months old at the time) and we were walking by the checkouts. And it was BUSY. Lots of people around. She pointed to the upper floor of the grocery store and said, “That’s where the bathrooms are, right mommy?”. Yes honey, that’s where they are. “Mommy, DO YOU HAVE TO POOP?”. Ummmm, no I don’t Maddy (I’m saying this in the standard clenched teeth, pycho mom whisper, you know the one I mean). “Yes you do mommy, you said you have to poop”. No, no I didn’t say any such thing. Oh and she’s practically yelling these questions at me. Just for fun. Just wanting to make sure EVERYONE in the goddamn store hears her. Then she laughs. She thought it was hysterical that she was embarrassing mommy about body functions in the grocery store. And for the record, no I didn’t have to poop…made no mention of that. She just dreamed that all up on her own.
Fast forward to a few months ago at the mall. She’s 4 1/2. We’re in the public bathroom. The BUSY, CROWDED public bathroom. She’s peeing. The stalls are full. As we’re in our stall, she says, “So does everyone have fur on their privates”? WHAT?????????? Where does this child come up with this stuff?
Ummmmm, well….what do I say? I can hear the snickers all around. I’m starting to wish that old familiar scene where the floor opens up and it swallows you whole, happens. I’m begging in my mind for that scenerio to take place. But it does not. SHIT. Okay so Miss I’mGoingToAskMyMotherTheMostEmbarrassingQuestionsPossible Thang is waiting for an answer. If I don’t spit something out soon, well, she’ll ask it again. Oh and I’m sure Suzy Q and Betsy Loo in the adjoining stalls are also waiting for an answer. So I say, “Well Maddy, when you get older, like a teenager, you will get…..hair on your privates”. Whew. Thank God, I’m in the clear. BUT alas, I’m not.
She then says, “Well mommy, when you peed, I didn’t see any fur on your privates, how come”?
Sweet Jesus, where is that bolt of lightening when you want to be struck down? So now, there are more snickers. Great. My fur status is known to the strangers in the freakin public bathroom. Time is ticking by soooooo slowly. Where is the end of the world when you want it? Holy. So I say, well sometimes adults shave their hair. I’m saying this as quietly as one can in an echo-ey, grand canyon-ey accoustics style bathroom, which by the way, isn’t all that quiet. Nope, sure isn’t.
So now Suzy Q and Betsy Loo are intrigued. I can tell they are still in the stalls on either side of me…waiting for the next round. They’re not wiping or flushing yet ’cause they want to hear it all. Beeyotches.
Okay, so I’m thinking, that’s it right? No more questions from Miss 20QuestionsPlusOneMore. WRONG. “Mommy, how come daddy has fur on his privates then”? OMG. Just kill me now, someone, please. Okay so I’m thinking, this sounds BAD. Little girl saying she knows about her mother’s lack of fur and her father’s for sure fur (there’s not much, just for the record, wanted to clarify that so noone thought he had a jungle there.) But anyone with small children knows that at some point, they’re going to see you come out of the shower or getting dressed….all purely innocent.
Anyway, I’m beyond the fact that it sounds bad and just wondering, how to answer that question. Suzy Q and Nosey Parker are STILL in the adjoining stalls. “Well sweetie, sometimes people don’t shave it all, they like to leave some”. HOLY SHIT. I can’t believe I’m having a pubic hair conversation with my 4 year old. In a public bathroom. With strangers. LISTENING. So she then says, “Well my privates are bald right now and I dont know if I’ll shave or not”. Well that’s great honey. You’ve got a few years to decide on whether you want fur or no fur. No rush.