Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!

December 6, 2005

Have you ever wondered how some people function in life? How they get along every single day in this world without falling on their faces? Well, let me tell you about Betty at the grocery store. She scares me. Literally. I’ve gone through her checkout several times. Not on purpose. I swear. I try to avoid her like I would try to avoid shaking the hand of a 4 year old who just blew big snot balls into his palm. But if not for crappy luck, I probably wouldn’t have any, so on occassion I get Betty the Door Knob.

She’s a short, stocky lady, not totally unattractive, however, her scary, slightly dingbat personality makes her a tad less attractive. She’s in her late 40′s I’m guessing, so it’s not like she’s hasn’t been around the block a time or two but apparently she’s not learned much from her times around it.

She never makes any sense. Ever. At our grocery store, cashiers are required to ask you if you want bags. We pay 4 cents a piece for them….I’m assuming this is to keep costs down. Anyway, who cares? So she asks me, “How many bag you want?” I tell her I’d like 5. “You only want 5 bag?” Yes please. Just five. “Okay, but you got grocery.” (She rarely puts the plural on anything requiring it.) Yes I realize I have groceries. ‘Cause I’m at the grocery store and I’m buying stuff. And it’s groceries. So how about you just hand over the bags. “Okay I give you 5 bag.” Super.

So as I’m packing my groceries, she keeps looking at me each time she rings something in. I’m thinking, OMG do I have something stuck on my cheek? A random booger that found it’s way out of the nostril cavity? Did I grow another nose while going up isle 23? Did my eyebrow fall off? What? What? But she just keeps on looking at me.

My order comes to $43.10. So I give her a $50 dollar bill and tell her that I have the dime. “What? What you want dime for?” Ummmmm, I’m going to give YOU the dime to put with the fifty and then you’ll give me 7 bucks back. Ah ya. So as I’m looking for a dime, she says to me, “I wait.” You wait? Wait for what? For God to hand out a brain to you? Oh sorry Betty, God was handing those out 40 some odd years ago and you were busy picking your ass and missed the boat. So sorry.

I find a dime and give it to her. She looks at it. And please realize, there are people behind me, waiting, very patiently. I’m praying that they know, I’m the smart one and well, Betty is the tart.

So she plunks the dime in the till and then says to me, “What you like?” What do I like? Weeeeeeeelllll, I like lots of shit yo’. I like chocolate, I like men, I like pink, I like candy, I like baked nachos, I like my kids, I like shopping, I like photography…….I could go on and on. So I’m looking at her and wondering, what the hell happens inside that skull of hers? The gerbil running on it’s little wheels sure ain’t doing it’s job in her head. You’re FIRED rat boy. So I decided to say nothing and wait. Wait and see what ‘I ain’t the brightest bulb in the box Betty’ is going to say.

She figures out that I’m not speaking so she asks me, “What you like best? You like fives? You like tens?” Ummmm well I freakin’ love hundreds but since you only owe me SEVEN DOLLARS, I’m betting that $7 bucks and raise you twenty, that I’m not getting a brown one. So I tell her, yes I abso-freakin-lutely love fives and that would be perfect if she could just give me a 5 and a two. That would be perfect. So she gives me my change and says, “You like?” Yes Betty, I like. Gawd someone beat me with a dirty shoe because I know that would be way more fun that going through Betty’s checkout. Like ever.

Posted by Sassy @ 4:24 pmUncategorized5 comments  

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5 Responses to “Betty.”

  1. OMG I’m dying here……..you are TOO. FUCKING. MUCH!

  2. Sassy…I seriously think that your a weirdo magnet!!!! LMFAO
    I would have said…. “I’d like ten please” and see what happen.(purposely left off the S’s). LOL
    Dammit woman, you forgot to mention you like glitter!! LOL
    Too friggin’ funny.

  3. OMG roflmao

  4. FREAK WARRIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Sassy, you so silly.

    I agree with Lisa- tens please. lol
    The Salvation Army could use a donation from Betty! lol

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