December 25, 2005

This is my husband. He’s got an IQ of 48. He’s the brainiac of our family. He loves playing his banjo while picking his nose……he’s quite the multi-tasker. He enjoys eating his earwax.

I’m the ma. I put on my fancy scarf today. I love eating frozen fish sticks. I sometimes lick our metal flag pole on cold days. I love chewing my toes.

This is our oldest boy. He likes growing his toenails until they curl. He likes the smell of rotten cheese. He can count to 37. We’re so proud.

This is our oldest boy’s girlfriend. She is hoping to be in Playboy soon. She’s just waiting to have extensive hair removal. She sometimes eats our son’s belly button lint.

This is our 17 year old. He loves eating raw hamburger and burnt french fries. He can walk on all fours like nobody’s business. He so smart.

This is our youngest. She loves pulling the wings off of dead flies. She sometimes meows like a cat. She’s so purdy.

****Note….our youngest boy wanted no part of this…..I’m thinking he’s the smartest one of the lot. Merry Christmas from our home to yours.****

December 20, 2005

I don’t have any pets. Well we do have fish but I’m not sure if they truly qualify as ‘pets’. We used to have dogs and cats but since moving out here, we do not have any furry four legged friends living with us. However, when we did have dogs and/or cats, I loved them. Alot. BUT never once did I buy my pets presents. We didn’t give them birthday gifts nor did we wrap up trinkets and put under the tree at Christmas with their names written carefully on a cute name tag, like they’re going to read it and jump up in excitement that a package has their name on it. . I’m quite certain they didn’t care.


Well, today I’m watching tv and a commercial comes on for the new Chia Pet and it’s geared towards people’s cats. Hmmmmm. I’m pretty sure that cats don’t watch tv and I’m also pretty sure they don’t want a Chia Pet. And ummm, does a cat owner really want to buy this for their pet? It’s not like the cat is going to toss the seeds into the pot and then patiently wait for it to grow. The cat isn’t going to water their Chia Pet everyday, fingers…..errrr….paws crossed, that their new plant is going to start to sprout. That’s abso-freakin-lutely ridiculous. It’s retarded really.


The commercial shows a cat knocking over their owner’s house plants and the solution is to buy them their very own Chia Pet that they can eat. Huh?????? It’s fucking grass people. When I had cats, they sometimes ate grass and that was a bad thing. Ya. They would then come into the house and puke it up. So I’m pretty darn tootin’ sure that you don’t want to buy your cat a grass plant that they want to chew, then eat and then vomit up green mush. The big fat kitty on tv looks totally thrilled to have it’s very own Chia Pet to plant, water, eat and then barf up on their owner’s cream colored satin comforter. The ‘commercial’ owner is lovingly rubbing her kitty, all pleased with herself that she was smart enough to purchase this for her cat. Riiiiiiiiiight. And I bet she’s gonna be all happy when she wakes at 3am to pee and as she’s walking in the semi-dark hallway to her bathroom, she steps in the putrid shit mush that was once the purdy green grass growing from the Chia Pet’s ass. Oh but the Chia Pet for feline’s is in a mug type dish with Sylvester the cat attached to it. So that for sure is a cool selling point for kitty’s all over the world. Gawd. Give me a freakin’ break. Meow.