January 31, 2006

Did you read that title? I’m gonna be rich, rich rich! Yay! Oh I’m so excited. Rich, rich, rich. Did I say rich? No? Not enough times? Well listen up, I’m gonna be rich!


Wait. Fuck that. No I won’t. Oh well it was worth a shot. I did make some little quips on tee shirts at Cafepress if you’re interested. Maybe someday, someone, somewhere will take pity on wittle ole’ me and buy a shirt. In the meantime, I’m thinking I should keep my day job.


Wait. Fuck that. I don’t have a day job. Shit.

January 29, 2006

We arrived home last night at about 10:30pm. We live on a very quiet cul-de-sac and believe me, after 10pm, it’s like a graveyard. Not because there are dead bodies laying around, just because it’s so quiet. Like a graveyard. Am I making myself clear? Good.


So we are approaching our house and Granny Go Fuck Yourself that lives next door has her house lit up like a two dollar whore house. I’m so not kidding. She had her white and blue Christmas lights that she adorns her whole house with, lit up. Oh ya, she also has her Halloween pumpkin lights still up and they were on too. What a lovely treat to come home to. We really don’t need any kind of outside light turned on at our house because freak next door has everything within a fucking 5 mile radius lit up and beacon-ized (not sure if that’s a real word, but I like it, it’s my story and I’m using it). It’s really awful. Oh and to top it off, she still has her Christmas tree up. Up. As in, it’s still standing in her livingroom.


I should also mention, that for the most part, everyone on our street, has a nice yard, people keep their lawns mowed, no garbage around, gardens tended to, all that Beaver Cleaverish kinda crap. And GGFY (Granny Go Fuck Yourself) keeps her yard tidy too. Only one problem though. She also has gnomes in her little cemetary garden out front. I say cemetary because honestly, it does look like a burial has just occurred. She has these brick blocks all around her tree, weird looking flowers in it and her fucking little troll/gnomes. It’s hideous. It really looks like she’s got bodies buried there. It’s creepy. She also has fake flowers in her garden boxes in front of her house. Fake. Who the hell puts artificial flowers outside in their garden? Really, what’s the point?


I will not miss this old woman when we move. Not one little bit. And her adult daughter is just as fucking weird as she is. The old guy isn’t too bad. If I was stuck in an elevator with any of them though, I’d have to kill myself. Or one of them. Whichever.

January 28, 2006

Well shit, I’ve been tagged once again by my friend Karen, who apparently was doped up on cold medicine last night. Nyquil is a beautiful thing.

1) When you were really little, what did you want your life to be like as an adult?

I wanted it to be like a movie….you know, a soundtrack in my daily life, lotsa money, a hot guy and a happy ending. Two outta 4 ain’t bad.

2) What misconceptions did you have about sex?

I thought ‘doggy style’ meant you wanted to include dogs into the mix. I was sooooo wrong.

3) What do you dream about?

I try my best to have hot sex dreams about Chad Kroeger. Sometimes that works out.

4) What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do to someone you looked up to?

Tell them goodbye.

5) Describe each of your family members using only one word.

Anthony-Strong
Sean-Funny
Matt-Kind
Ryan-Sweet
Maddy-Blessing

6) Name something you believed as a child, that you now know isn’t true.

That all dogs are boys and all cats are girls. OMG I was a fucking ‘tard.

7) What interest would you like to pursue further?

I’m going to continue writing my book. Might take me 10 years, but better late than never.

If you could take back one thing you regret, what would it be?

Nothing. Abso-freaking-lutely nothing. I’m who I am today because of my past.

9) What are you most thankful for?

Family, friends and the talents that I possess. Oh and pretty panties.

10) Describe yourself in one word.

Only one? Well damn. Okay. Ummmmmm. Sweet.

Okay, all done! Do I win a prize? Something? Anything? At least these questions weren’t written by a 3rd grader.

January 26, 2006

A few years ago, we took a trip to New Hampshire. It was back in 2001, we had all 4 kids with us and for the most part, it was a memorable vacation.


Several times during our said vacation, we’d take the kids out to eat when we got tired of barbequed hotdogs and hamburgers. One evening, our boys were craving KFC. We quickly found one not far from our campsite and went in.


‘Hi, I’d like to order the family bucket of chicken please’. **I swear, me and fast food places do not mix**
‘Hi. We don’t have any chicken’.
‘You don’t have chicken’?
‘Nope’.
‘This is KFC right’?
‘Ya’.
‘Okay, then I’m not following you. KFC stands for Kentucky Fried…………..chicken‘.
‘Right’.
‘Right. So why can’t I order chicken’?
‘Because we don’t have any’.
‘It’s 7:30pm and you close at 11pm, so how can you not have any chicken’?
‘I don’t know. I think we might have a couple of wings’.
‘A couple of wings? As in two’?
‘Ya’.
‘You literally have 2 wings’?
‘Ya, two’.
‘Okay, well, ummm, we’re a family of 6, so two wings is not gonna cut it’.
‘We have some coleslaw’.
‘Riiiiiiiiiiiight, but see even with some ’slaw, the two wings won’t do us much good’.
‘Well, we’ll have more tomorrow’.
‘Riiiiiiiiiiight, well I’m guessing we’re just gonna move on to the next place because we kinda wanted to eat tonight’s supper, well, tonight’.
‘Ya’.
‘Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, thanks’.


Better tell Colonel Sanders to get off his duff and start pluckin’.

I’m assuming if one is a crack dealer, that perhaps having business cards printed up is not a good idea. I’m just sayin’.


Apparently Sylvester J. Williams from Leavenworth, KAN would disagree with me, because that’s just what the “alleged” crack dealer did. Yup. He had some business cards printed up that said, ‘For a quick hit on time call the boss’ and they depicted an alarm clock being hit by a boxing glove. How clever.


I’m pretty sure when the police called him, using one of his ‘business’ cards, and asked if they could come buy some crack and he said, “sure”, that he was not expecting to be arrested.


How can people be so fucking dumb? Oh wait, maybe he was on crack as well as selling it. Geez.

Okay, so it’s the day after Wednesday and that means………come on now, say it with me………It’s Half Nekkid Thursday!


Do you know how hard it is to take a picture of your own ass? It ain’t easy lemme tell ya. I had to dig out the tripod for this one. I attempted to get a shot just by trying to somehow point the camera behind me but I kept getting a chunk of my thigh or the bedroom wall with a sliver of denium in it or just my butt crack. Wasn’t pretty. Plus I opened my blinds to get a certain effect in the background with the sunlight coming in and well, I think the old battleaxe that lives next door got an eye full (I took off my shirt, so great, Granny Go Drive Off A Cliff has now seen my bra). I’m quite sure she thinks I’m not quite all there but hey, the feeling’s mutual. So anyhoo, there’s my ass. Whoop-de-do. Have a super day.

I don’t know about you but I’m so fucking sick of Brad and Angelina (and Jennifer Aniston, although for the record, I was on team Aniston and I would have sex with Brad if he asked me but that’s beside the point), I could hurl. **Insert vomitting noises here**


I was at the grocery store yesterday and I swear at least 8 rag mags had a picture of either Brad or Angelina or both and/or Jen. Is Brad giving Angelina a ring? What will their baby’s name be? Jen isn’t over Brad. Angelina called Jen. Jen proposed to Vince. Angelina has a baby bump. Brad is having fun being a dad. Jen resents Brad. Brad was seen holding Angelina’s hand and caressing her bump. Angelina had no makeup on and was rushed to the hospital. Who fucking cares?


Listen, I’m thinking Jen is over the whole thing. She’s moved on people. Hang it up. We get it. Brad most likely screwed Ang while they were making their movie together, Jen found out, Jen and Brad broke up and now he’s playing house with Angelina. And now they’re having a baby. Yawn. We don’t care. Really.


I could give a rat’s ass what they want to name their spawn. I don’t care that Ang’s children now have a hyphenated name ‘Jolie-Pitt’……big fucking deal. I’m sorry but they eat, blow their nose, shit, spill food on their clothes, get boogers, fart, have smelly feet, get itchy scalps, chew their nails, get broccoli stuck in their teeth and wake up with sleep in their eyes just like the rest of us (except me of course). Honestly, let’s move on shall we? When I see their pictures it makes me want to line a horse’s stall with the magazine pages so they’ll get shit on.


Now perhaps if they both fall of the face of the earth, then let me know. If not, stop torturing us with their mundane existance. We. Don’t. Care.

January 24, 2006

Get it? I’ve been tagged. And who tagged me? Oh a chick I know, have talked to a time or two and have slept with. There was no sex involved though. Sorry. We were just at a big sleepover. Her name is Karen. So yes she tagged me and apparently I’m supposed to talk about myself. Well shit, that’s easy. Muahahahahhahaa. Try not to fall asleep people. Maybe grab some coffee just incase this gets real boring. There’s going to be 27 fun and facinating facts here (Ya, don’t hold your breath on this one). Oh I can feel the excitment now. Here goes…….

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what did you think?
I thought, no wonder your husband married you. I’d marry you.

2. How much cash do you have on you?
Actually on me? None. In my pink purse, maybe about $14.78, not that I counted exactly.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with “test”?
“Best”, as in this is the best question ever. **Insert rolling eyes here**

4. Favorite planet?
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say Earth. I live on earth. I eat on earth. I shop on earth. I have sex on earth. Personally I haven’t been to the other planets, so I’m not quite sure what they have to offer. **I hope the fucking questions get better than this**

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Ummm I don’t miss calls. Like heeeelllloooo?

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone?
That would be Photograph by Nickelback, who are my favorite band. So if there’s a question in here about my favorite band, I’m not fucking answering it again. I’ve just said it here.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
Fuck. Not wearing a shirt. I sleep naked except for panties. I wake up and immediately walk to my computer to do my morning routine before anyone gets up. Wait. That’s a lie. I am wearing a shirt. I forgot. I’m wearing a white tee with pink letters on it that says, Lucky. **As in, how fucking lucky am I to be doing these questions?**

8. Do you “label” yourself?
Well who the fuck doesn’t? I am a sexy nerd.

9. Name the brand of shoes you’re currently wearing now:
It’s fucking 6:49 am, I’m barefoot.

10. Bright or dark room?
Well that kinda depends. If I was performing surgery, well I suppose I’d want a bright room. If I’m developing pictures, then obviously I’d want a dark room. What kind of questions are these? Holy.

11. What do you think of the person who took this survey before you?
I slept with her remember? In all seriousness, she’s been a wonderful friend to me and I love her. We met for the first time last summer on our road trip to New York!

12. What were you doing at midnight last night?
I was sitting at my computer all giddy and happy from seeing Nickelback in concert. **Sigh**

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
It said, “Can I take the van to take Amanda to work”? That was from my son. And I said yes.

14. Where is your nearest 7-11?
About a 5 min drive from here. **Who fucking cares?**

15. What’s a saying(s) you say alot?
“Oh my gawd”, “whatever”, “shitballs”, “shitmonkeys”, “really”, “you’re kidding me right?”

16. Who told you they loved you last?
My son Ryan.

17. Last furry thing you touched?
Ummmmm. Well. I bumped into a hairy man last night at the concert….does that count?

18. How many days of school did you miss this week?
What the fuck? I don’t go to school. Been there, done that. That was sooooo in the “1900’s”.

19. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
Well since getting a digital camera, none. However, if you want a fucking answer to this, it was about 12 rolls and they’re all developed now. Happy?

20. Favorite age you’ve been so far?
Who is writing these? I like my current age.

21. Your worst enemy?
OMG, are we in junior high? I don’t have any as far as I know. If one crops up, I’ll let you know. Oh wait, I think the old bat that lives next door has a hate on for me. I’ll get back to you.

22. What is your current desktop picture?
Does anyone even really give a fuck? It’s a picture of me, me, me, me, me because I’m stuck on myself. Wait. I’ve told another lie. It’s currently a picture of 2 of my kids. There, I bet your life is complete now.

23. What was the last thing you said to someone?
Good night and sweet dreams. **Anyone still awake?**

24. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose?
Really? Are you kidding me? I can get in a plane if I want to fly. I’m taking the money people.

25. Do you like someone?
Okay, am I on Candid Camera? These questions are getting more annoying as each one passes. Yes, I like lots of people. Or is this the part where I say, Oh I sure do like someone? Oh it’s a secret though. I can’t tell. Maybe I’ll get my bf to tell the guy I like him. Can we all spell Junior High?

26. The last song you listened to?
Rock Star by Nickelback at their concert.

27. Carmen Electra or Pam Anderson?
Fuck. What a choice. I dislike both of them. I pick me. ‘Cause I can. It’s my fucking blog. So deal.

I hope I haven’t tortured my readers too much. I mean I bet they’re all sitting on the edge of their seats with anticipation, hoping there’s more. Well there isn’t. Twenty-seven questions is the limit.

January 22, 2006

Oh joy it’s Sunday…..Well it’s not quite Sunday. I’m sure somewhere it’s Sunday and it will be here in about an hour and a bit, so close enough.


Sunday’s are sometimes so bloody booooring. Like throw me a bit of fun. So what can I write about? Did I have an exciting weekend (Noooooooo…fuck no.)? You decide. Friday I went out and got some groceries. How fucking fabulous is that? Found a quarter on the ground beside my shopping cart. Woo fucking hoo.


Oh Friday night my computer blew the fuck up. I was out getting movies and my 5 year old calls me and leaves an urgent voicemail on my cell phone. I thought for sure my husband had had a heart attack, because all I hear on the message is Miss’s squeaky little voice saying, “I’m not sure what to do…what do I do”? I immediately called home to find out that no, my husband wasn’t dead but my computer was. Shit. No no no, I don’t mean shit my husband is still alive, I mean shit because my computer wasn’t*.

Saturday brought more ‘can hardly contain myself, shit in my pants, blow my socks off excitment’ with me going again for more groceries. Oh ya, I returned a movie. Fucking snoresville.

Saturday night (which it still technically is) I talked on the phone, made some graphics, ate a bite of shitty cake and threw the rest away. ***Jesus, I think I’ve fallen asleep***


What will Sunday bring? A walk on my street? Laundry? Cleaning out my fridge? Douching the bathrooms? Picking my ass? Oh I can hardly contain myself. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.


*My computer is fixed now. That’s about the only fucking thing that gave me a thrill in the past 2 days.

January 19, 2006

Rotten ‘Ronnies. That’s what we call McDonald’s. Not to say I don’t crave a Big Mac once in awhile but I don’t want to eat it every day.


Last weekend, I decided I was craving RR’s, we happened to be in Walmart so we stopped by RR’s. I wanted chicken nuggets instead of the fries that come with the meal. Sounds pretty simple right? Well it wasn’t.

Hi. I’d like to order combo number 7 please but instead of fries, I’d like 6 nuggets.
What you want?
I just told you. Combo 7 with nuggets in place of fries.
You can’t.
I can’t?
No.
You’re out of chicken nuggets?
No.
No?
No.
Okay. So I’ll have 6 nuggets instead of the fries.
No.
No? I’m looking around because I just know I’m on television.
No.
Okay, maybe I’m not making myself clear (although I’m pretty sure a retarded sealion could get it). I’d like combo 7 with a 6 pack of nuggets instead of the fries. So no fries. But nuggets instead.
I can’t.
You can’t? You can’t give me nuggets? Why?
It don’t come with the meal. Nice fucking grammar guy.
Well then. How about I get combo 7 plus the nuggets.
So you don’t want the fries?

Good gawd, help me.