January 5, 2006
Okay, so I’m reading news stories today on msn.com and came across one that caught my eye. Actually my eyes nearly bugged out of my head if the truth be known.
It’s about a woman named Sharon from Britain and she met the love of her life 15 years ago. His name is Cindy (I kind of have issues with a male being named Cindy but who am I to judge? Huhn huh). Sharon has loved Cindy since she first met him all those years ago. I guess they’re soul mates. Thank goodness this is typed because had I been writing this with pen, it would be very very messy and hard to read due to my hand tremors from the laughter that is erupting from my guts.
Let me tell you about Cindy. His personal ad would read something like this: Male, 35, height roughly between 6 1/2 feet to 12 feet, weight about 600 lbs, I love swimming, eating fish and having my belly rubbed. My language skills are a bit lacking but I make up for it with the cool tricks I can do while in the water. I am a good chewer, as I have anywhere from 76 to 98 teeth. Gotta love a nice smile!
Cindy is a fucking dolphin. I know, read it again, because surely your eyes have gone bad. But I’m not kidding. And I’m not on crack. I swear. Not today. Sharon married Cindy. Who is a dolphin. Is anyone listening? What …..there were no good men left in Britain? Sharon MARRIED A DOLPHIN. Not to say that dolphins aren’t super neat mammals that are very intelligent but come on for shit sake. Are they going to consumate the marriage? I mean his dick is anywhere from 10 to 14 inches……BONUS……but ummmm…….EWWWWWW. The gross factor really outweighs the excitement over the penis size. I did read though, that the dolphin’s penis is so flexible you can wrap it around your arm. Sweet Lord.
Sharon wore a white dress and had some pink flowers. Yay. I bet Cindy was impatiently tapping his fin, waiting to blow that popsicle stand and go find some dolphin whores to get it on with. Fuck Sharon and her pink flowers. I kept waiting for a pop up to, well, pop up and tell me this was a joke. A hoax put on by the Associated Press. But alas it’s not. Cindy got down on one knee and kissed her man and then gave him a piece of ass…..no wait, a piece of herring. Oh feel the love. Sharon says it’s not a perverted thing. No it’s not perverted……BUT IT ISN’T FUCKING NORMAL. Sharon did give Cindy her blessing to go be with other dolphins, ‘wink wink, nudge nudge’. Riiiiiiiiiight.
Well I gotta go pee because if I don’t I will most certainly mess up my panties. I can’t stop laughing. You can read the heartwarming story HERE. Get a snack and enjoy.
Posted by Sassy @
5:45 pm •
Uncategorized •
January 3, 2006
I woke up this morning, having a vague recollection of my dreams. The dreams I had are not relevant but they did trigger a memory of something that happened to me when I was 17.
My parents and my siblings and I had gone to the waterslides at a park that was about 25 minutes from our home. I was so excited. I put on my black and white bikini, got my towel and pulled on my cut off jean shorts. I was all set.
We get to the park and see the waterslides. There are 2. Wow. Two whole waterslides. But at 17, armed with the prospect of seeing some cute guys, eating junk food and the rush of going down the slides, two seemed like 20.
My sister and I strip down to our bathing suits and rush up the sidewalk and then up the steep stairs to the slides. One of the slides is way faster than the other and both of us are a bit too timid to try that one just yet. So we opt for the slower one to get our feet weet…….pun totally intended. As I’m getting out of the water, I notice that my bikini bottoms are a little loose, like the elastic has gone out of them a bit. Great. But as I am rushing back up the sidewalk, I quickly forget about it. After a few rounds of the slower slide, I decide to brave the faster one. My sister still wants to do the slower one. Fine. So we’re side by side, each getting ready to go down the slides. My heart is racing, I can’t believe I’m actually going to go on the fast slide. What a thrill (Hey at 17 it’s a big fucking thrill, so keep the snickers to yourself). The life guard gives us the go ahead and we sit down and wooosh…off we go!
I can’t believe how fast the second slide is. Water rushing everywhere. In a few short seconds I’m going under the water in the pool at the end of the slide. I quickly pop up. And as I’m bobbing up, water up to my thighs or so, I’m feeling something. Something’s not quite right. I feel kinda……..naked. Oh. That’s because I am. From the waist down. My bottoms, having had water rush into them, the elastic slightly gone in them, billowed out from my body and came off as I’m going under the water. And now I’m standing up. Bottomless. And to my luck, there are bleachers directly across from the slides. Ya. And they’re full. Of people. Staring.
My sister is standing on her side of the pool, mouth open. That’s helpful. I hear the lifeguard hollering at me from atop the slide, telling me to get out of the way so the next person can come down. Well, listen dickwad, I’m a tad inconvienced here, HAVING NO BOTTOMS AND ALL and I might need a moment to go under the water and find them. I quickly look to my right and see my parents distracted with my little brother. Thank God, because I’m sure my mother would have gone into convulsions and my dad would have had a heart attack for sure. I gingerly bend down and am feeling around for my bottoms and nothing. Fuck. I see my sister waving her arms. Great, attract more attention why don’t ya? But I look down and my bottoms are floating in front of me. Fanfuckingtastic. I grab them and try to put them on. Do you know how hard it is to get dressed in a pool? With 100 or so strangers watching you? Ya. It sucks. Big time. But after a moment of struggling, I get them on. And run like a bat out of hell to the gate and to where my parents are sitting. I tell them that we need to leave, like now. They look at me oddly, like they normally do but say, ok, we’ll leave.
As we are driving away, I look back and think to myself, I am not going back to that park like ever again. Years later, I ended up moving just a few minutes from that park and did go back and down the slides. However, I super glued my bottoms to my ass. Not taking any chances people. None at all.
Posted by Sassy @
12:28 pm •
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