Isn’t technology great? I mean really. Look at the wonderful email that Alberta Carter sent me today. Don’t ask me who the fuck she is, but I’m happy nonetheless.
Subject line: Sex in public (and who doesn’t love sex in public?)
Email:
dishwater colony thermos while Gregory licks his pussy while you watch fishy.
**Scratches head**
Alberta sweetie, if you’re gonna email me, how ’bout it makes FUCKING SENSE? That’d be great.
…I have a great deal for you!
I am not interested, thanks.
No really, if you buy our newspaper, we will give you FREE plane tickets.
Ummmm sure you will.
It’s a one time special.
And I would have to give up my first born inorder to obtain these 2 ‘free’ tickets?
No not at all. We are only offering this special to our very best customers.
I’ve never been a customer. Oh I have a set of pots for sale.
Pardon? Pots?
Yes. Are you interested?
Ah, no, not really ma’am.
Well then. I’m not interested in your deal either. Oh and don’t call me ma’am.
Ah……
***CLICK***
Today was “Friendship Day” at my daughter’s school. Valentine’s Day for us old timers.
Let me just tell ya, volunteering in a class of forty-four (2 classes combined for today) 5 year old’s is fun. With a capitol F. You just never know what you might hear.
One girl told me she loved my nails. Another girl said I had nice hair. As nice as her Barbie’s hair. How sweet. Another told me that she has smelly hands. I’m not sure why, nor did I ask. Oh and she blew on me and asked me to smell her breath. Yum. One of the boys told me in a breathless, excited voice, that he loves candy, all kinds of candy and he eats 3345 candy’s a day. Mmmmkay.
Another boy said that he loves peppers, red peppers, pink peppers, orange peppers, yellow peppers, all the peppers of the rainbow. He loves peppers. Ya, I get it. One boy, with the cutest darn eyes I’ve ever seen, said he has a cat and a puppy and he’s allergic to cats and dogs but not to his cat or dog because he knows them really well. Ah-chooooo.
One boy said ‘poop’ and ‘poo’ at least 56 times and his classmate, kept right at him and said, “you’re swearing” over and over. All in all, the kids were pretty well behaved with the exception of a few. My daughter loved seeing mommy in her class. Let’s all sigh now…….’awwwwwwww’.
Volunteering today made me realize one important thing though. I would never want to be a kindergarten teacher. Like totally never. Neva. Eva. So let’s give a big round of applause to all the kindergarten teachers of the world. **Clap clap clap**
I am sure we all love a heartwarming ‘dog rescues child’ story, I do. But when someone says that “their cat is an inspiration”, I draw the line. And laugh uncontrollably.
I was reading a post today at a ‘mom’ group about this chick who took her overweight cat to the vet. She’s soooo proud of him, he’s her ‘inspiration’.
Her cat, who apparently used to weigh in at 20+ lbs, is now 12 or 13 lbs. I’m happy for her and her pussy, I really am. But to say that her cat is an inspiration in it’s quest to lose weight, is well, just ridiculous. The cat didn’t go to Jenny Craig. It didn’t sign up for Curves. It wasn’t eating from the Weight Watchers menu. It was being fed ‘diet’ cat food. That’s it. So I’m sure if any of us were eating diet cat food, we’d lose weight too. Big fucking deal. Her cat didn’t run a 25K marathon. It didn’t have gastric bypass surgery, work out 3 hours a day and eat a low carb diet and can now fit into a size 6. It’s a cat. It ate the special cat food, licked itself, chased mice and slept for 20 hours a day.
And she went on to tell us, that her older cat is her ‘football star’. Football star (kinda at a loss for words on this one….cats play football? Huh?)? Oh and he had his nails clipped too. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ooops, sorry, I dozed off there for a sec.
I will keep you updated if her pussy does anything else of interest, such as running for office or dying.
My BF Karen (that’s best friend, not boyfriend, just for clarification) got a wonderful email yesterday about making her ‘dicck’ bigger*. Anyway, I was kinda jealous that she got such a nice email on how to make her dicck bigger by 2″ by LOW friends. How lucky is she? I was feeling kind of blue actually, until I got this today! Look:
Amanda Pacheco sent me a lovely email and it says……..
Make Yours Lar-ger With HTML
Oh my gawd! I can have a lar-ger……ummm……well…….something, not sure what, but I can have it larger with HTML!!!!! How fucking cool is that? Wait…..holy, I just realized….I want bigger boobs and now I can have them with HTML! I think I’m gonna cry. There is a God afterall.
*Karen doesn’t actually have a ‘dicck’. She’s a girl. A really cute girl.
Wow. Two super emails in one day. Loves it. One from Chrissy (below) and now one from Tracy Tucker. Her (or his) subject line says ‘Big titted babe gets banged’. Well now. And the subject line in the email says, ‘little tits’. Stop trying to confuse me Tracy, you trickster. Either it’s a ‘big titted gal or a little titted gal’. Don’t try to fool me. But the really confusing part is the actual email:
acrobatic arlene hostile pinnacle seaboard directrices ridiculous teeing d=olt effete niece thorny clergymen million get brouhaha hubris olive compar=ative rite adsorptive chairmen arum gar bates advertise calvary gun tress =null gust ninefold transitory branch=20
A niece named Arlene of the thorny clergyman wants millions and likes olives and he swings from gun trees? That’s about all I’m concluding from it. Oh, and that Tracy Tucker is a fucktard.
Spam makes the world go ’round.
I just checked my mail and had a nice letter from Chrissy Fitzgerald. Not sure who the fuck Chrissy is, but he/she wrote this:
hey i’m looking to get laid ASAP can you help
Sorry Chrissy, I can’t lay you today. I’m super busy plucking my eyebrows but perhaps you could at the very least buy me dinner first and for Godssake use punctuation. I mean really.
It’s 11:53 pm and that means it’s almost Friday. By the time I post this, it could be after 12, so yay.
Let’s see, how did my day go? Well, okay I guess, kinda boring but really, how exciting can housework be? Oh wait now, I did also bathe. That was mildly exciting.
Oh I forgot. I got a phone call today from Marnie. Marnie sells lawn care products. That’s really great Marnie, but it’s February. In Calgary. Albeit, we have no snow sweetie, but it’s still February. Lawn care is the farthest thing from my mind (Like it’s ever really on my mind).
She continues on despite my protest that I’m really not interested in lawn care. We have a lawn, we mow it in late spring and all through the summer and into the fall. I sometimes plant some flowers. But beyond that, lawn care bores me. So move on Marnie. I’m not falling for your gimmicks.
But Marnie is persistant, like blow flies on a pile of shit (she’s the shit, not me mmmkay?) and she keeps rambling on and on. My lawn will thank me she says! Thank me? My lawn is going to thank me? Really? Like how? Take me to dinner? Buy me those funky high heels I want from the mall? Give me an orgasm? ‘Cause I’m tellin’ ya Marnie, unless my lawn is going to really thank me, shut your freakin’ cake hole about the ‘products’ that will change my life. Sure. The only thing I’m interesting in “tending to” is my own personal lawn (wink wink) if you get my drift.
You need to hang it up Marnie. Like now.
Happy Friday everyone. The weekend is here.
Oh it’s HNT…..Hmmmm….what to post? Maybe you should come back later and see. 
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