March 31, 2006

I’m laughing….you know, an evil kinda, ‘ya right’, kinda laugh. Why?


Well, someone googled ‘tasteless tenderizer’. They got my blog. I was number one on the page. Is it any wonder? I’m here to tell you people, there is no tasteless tenderizer. I speak from great experience. Step away from the tenderizer. It’s not your friend. Your meat will turn into other species of meat. IE: beef will morph into ham.


Run. Tenderizer will only harm you and possibly your loved ones. You will spend exsorbant amounts of money on bottled water (to replenish fluids) and Tums. Listen to me. I know what I’m talking about. It’s not worth it. Be rid of it now so you won’t be tempted later. Hear me please. I beg you. My family still wishes I’d never found that shitty white powder in a pretty red bottle.

Someone googled laa laa li laa laa li lih laaa or something to that effect and got my blog. I was on the first page about 7 or 8 down. Super. That warms my heart to know that I’m writing shit quality and giving my blog readers what they want and deserve. Shows you that I’m writing wipe your ass on this writing sink your teeth in, meaty kinda stuff. Gosh I feel great. Proud. So very proud.

March 28, 2006

Well, can I just say I’ve had the week from hell? Yes, yes I have.


It all started on Friday. We went to Walmart so Ryan could buy something with his gift card from my mother. Fabulous. He chose a computer game. A Spongebob game. Can I just tell ya that I’m not liking SpongebobMotherFucker right now?


We get home and my son asks me to install the game for him. No problem. I’ve installed games plenty of times. I put the disk in and it’s on it’s way. It gets to 53% and then stops. My computer freezes up. Not to worry, I’ll just reboot and start again. Except when I reboot, nothing happens, and when I say nothing happens, I mean nothing. Zip. Black screen. So I do the F8 thing and try to reset the registry. Nope. That doesn’t work either. By this time I’ve pulled out about 1,200,564 hairs from my head. For the next few days, I try everything I can possibly think of to fix my computer, except throw it out the window, which I was very close to doing.


Let’s move on to Sunday evening. I start to develop a migraine. Great. Let’s add that to my computer troubles and not to mention the fact, that I’m now also experiencing computer withdrawal. Ever have that happen to you? It ain’t pretty lemme tell ya. One person’s crack is another person’s computer fetish. My crack is my computer. Fo’ shizzle.


I go to bed Sunday night, crossing my fingers, that when I wake up Monday morning, I will be migraine free and my computer will fixed all on it’s own. Ummm, well that didn’t happen. Not a chance. Instead, I woke up with the flu from hell. I also pulled my chest muscles from wretching so violently and it feels like my ribcage was smashed with a baseball bat. Oh and I still have my migraine and my computer is still fucked. Not exactly the scenerio that I was hoping for. Monday’s suck.


I laid around all day Monday, moaning, feverish, delirous and chilled to the bone. My computer didn’t fix itself either. Fucker. I wanted Monday to be over in a big way. Finally at midnight I fell asleep, hoping for a better Tuesday.


And here we are. Tuesday. And guess what? My delirium is over, well for the most part anyway. And I fixed my computer…I had to go to my last resort when I couldn’t get Win98 to repair…I installed WinXP and was devestated because I had lost all of my pictures and graphics and documents. I was all boo hoo-ing and crying in my Cornflakes and shit and then, while searching for something, I found all of my stuff! Can you imagine that? I was just about to have a pity party for myself and then all of a sudden I’m on cloud nine.


So I’m back in business and ready to rock n’ roll. Or whatever. I’m back. I was going crazy not being online and now that I’ve got my crack computer back, I’m in heaven.

March 22, 2006

I should really stay away from the kitchen when it comes to cooking. Sure, I can handle doing dishes. I can manage the microwave without too much incident. However, actual cooking, I need to step away from the stove now.


I bought some beef yesterday, all cut up and ready to use in a stir fry. But I’m thinking, well how tender can that meat be? I mean, the grocery store isn’t going to put out their best beef for a stir fry.


This morning, I’m talking to Karen and ask her what I can soak the beef in to marinade it. She made a couple of suggestions but I didn’t have what she mentioned. I looked through the fridge but with no luck. I then decided to check my spice cupboard and there it was, shining like a bright beacon on a dark, stormy night. It was calling my name and the name of my beef. The meat tenderizer.


Now, I was under the impression that meat tenderizer was odorless and tasteless. Perfect. I had 3 packages of beef to marinade, so I opened the first package, put it in my bowl, and proceeded to coat it with the tenderizer. I did this with the remaining 2 packages. Then, for good measure, I added more tenderizer after all 3 packages were in the bowl. Mixed it up and then added more. Then more. And a bit more. The meat was white with tenderizer. Fucking snow white. Oh my gawd, it was gonna be so damn tender. It would be so tender it would fall apart on your fork. You chefs and anyone with half a fucking brain in the kitchen, know where this is going.


I make my stir fry and serve hubby and Matt and myself. We sit down to eat it and noone says anything about it….until we were done. Anthony looks at me and asks what the hell I did to the meat? Did I go on a salt frenzy? Was there a sale on salt licks, and I put the whole damn thing in the pan? I’m like, no, what do you mean? He asks me if I thought the meat was a bit on the salty side? Wellll, yes it kinda was but I thought, well maybe it’s the meat’s fault. Hubby said it was like gawd awful salty ham. It was beef people, beef. But I had turned it into freakin ham. Soooo, apparently, meat tenderizer is not odorless and tasteless. No, no it is not.


I would recommend anyone using meat tenderizer, not to ‘coat’ your meat until it is ’snow white’ because that will not make it ’so tender’, it will ‘melt in your mouth’. Instead it will curl your tongue, give you heartburn and suck any moisture that you may have right out of your body and will most likely clog your arteries and put you at risk of having a salt overload. Ya.

On a sidenote, my BF (that’s best friend not boyfriend) Karen ( I guess her name would give away that she’s not a boy…anyway, I digress) is kind of a bitch, so she decided to post the parts of the story that I didn’t want to disclose for fear of making myself look more like a tard than I already to but since she apparently loves me soooo much, she went ahead and did it for me. Thanks ever so much.

March 19, 2006

Remember how I mentioned Sean, Amanda and I were going to go to the movies on Friday evening? Well we did. The movie was awesome…scared the crapola out of me and if you like horror with gory details and scare tactics, you’ll love it.


We get to the theatre, buy our tickets, stand in line to get our snacks and then proceed to number 16 to see The Hills Have Eyes. The last showing was just getting out, so the ticket guy told us to stand by theatre number 15 and wait while the staff cleaned up the one we were going into.


The three of us are standing there, holding our snacks, chatting and we notice how door number 15 keeps opening. The manager would keep coming over to the door and closing it. Within a minute or less, it would open again. Sean and I, were like, what the hell is with that door. It was so bloody annoying. We thought for sure the door was possessed….That’s likely. Open, then the manager would come over and close it, then voila, the door opens again and again and again. After about 15 mintues, the little ticket guy came over and says to ME, “ummmm, I think you’re leaning against the automatic door opener”.


Well, there you have it. Apparently, I was the cause of the annoying door opening over and over and over again. My ass was on the giant, round wheelchair button. Fantastic. Needless to say, I was the big joke of the night. Damn and I was all set to tell people how that, theatre 15 was haunted. Sooooo, how was your night?

March 18, 2006

……..not sad tears but happy ones.


I went out to the movies with Sean and Amanda and it was late when we got home….about 12:25am……anyway, I was puttering around, getting ready for bed and saw something laying on my kitchen counter. It’s a red scrapbooking book, filled with paper. Paper that is pink, paper with hearts, paper that says ’sassy’,paper with glitter, paper with Hello Kitty…..and a 3d sticker inside that is a monkey sitting on a ball that says ‘party animal’.


It’s from Matt, my 18 year old. All of it. He and I were talking before I left for the movie and I was showing him the scrapbook pages I had done at Penny’s last week. I told him that I didn’t have a new book yet, the kind that holds the bigger sized paper. I was planning on buying one next week when I get paid. He wrote me a note in the first page of the book, which by the way, is staying and this is what he wrote……

“You seemed really excited about your scrapbooking for this size, soooo I bought you this (I think you might like it). I also got you this sticker (the monkey one), I saw it and thought of you. (He’s totally making fun of me because I’m so not a party animal…that kid cracks me up!). On top of that I got you paper. I looked for leopard print, but could not find any. Oh well, what can you do? (I honestly don’t know why I got you the Hello Kitty one, but you’ll find a good one for it). Anyways, Love ya, Matt.


PS. I was going to get you a calligraphy pen, but then I would have to teach you how to do it and….that’s not a good idea”. Little smartass isn’t he? Hmmm, wonder where he gets that from????


Can I just say, I’m the luckiest mom around?


Also, earlier tonight, my oldest son Sean, asked me to go get a tattoo with him in the next few weeks. He wants us to get Chinese symbols that say “Mother and Son”.


How much love can one mother handle in one day? Oh wait…..I can handle alot, so bring it. Gosh darn it, my kids are sometimes so wonderful it amazes me.


So my hat, well I’m not actually wearing one, but let’s continue on anyway…so my hat goes off to my 2 oldest boys for being so sweet to me today. It’s certainly a wonderful way to end the day and head off into dreamland. Sweet dreams.

March 17, 2006

I’m dying here. Not dying dying, dying laughing. It kills me sometimes, how people end up at one’s blog.


For instance, two seperate people, today, googled about poop and that is how they came to my blog. Lovely. Hmmmm maybe I talk about poop too much? Or my blog is shitty? I dunno.


One person, googled “public bathroom pooping”. I’m not sure how much informative tidbits (no pun intended…….wait…..pun totally intended) that one is going to find on pooping in a public toilet but hey, whatever floats your boat.


The second person googled, “oh God, I pooped my panties”. Now, listen, if you’ve got shit in your underpants, I would think you would just go clean yourself up. Maybe take off the panties, dump the shit in the toilet and, I don’t know, GET IN THE SHOWER. But hey, that’s just me. Oh wait, I don’t poop in my panties. So perhaps if one is slightly mental, then maybe you need specific instructions on what to actually do with the poo in your pants.

Oh so it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Why do I not get a ‘day’? I’d like to know. Oh well, I don’t care that much. Kiss my clover.


Thank God it’s Friday is all I can say. This week has been long, mostly boring and pretty uneventful really. I’m so bored with myself, I might even fall asleep with myself.


I am going to a movie tonight though. My oldest son, his girlfriend and I are going to see The Hills Have Eyes. It’s scary, gory and probably going to make my skin crawl, but I love it. My 18 year old refuses to see it with us or anyone else. He’s all up in arms because, in his mind, it’s making fun of retarded/deformed/misshapen people who were born with certain afflictions because of some nuclear war or something to that nature. I wasn’t really paying attention all that much. *I’m a good mom, I swear*. Anyway, I told him, ummmm, it’s a movie about pyscho killers who just happen to be deformed/inbred. It’s a movie. It’s not real. But he’s all politically correct and shit and makes me laugh when he tells me stuff like that. My kids are weird sometimes, but that’s what I love. It’s like they’re taking after me. Awwww. I will go to a chick flick or comedy with Matt next week, just to be fair. I like those too.


I have ‘Miss I can talk your ear off all day long’, home with me today. No kindergarten classes today for some reason. She’s already spoken 1,234,764 words to me so far this morning and it’s not even 10:00am. I need a nap. She never stops yapping. She even talks to herself while playing computer games or Nintendo. She’s actually having a conversation right now with Luigi from Mario Bros. Nintendo game. I bet he’s rolling his eyes and trying to get Mario’s attention to take him away because his ears are bleeding from all the chatter from the non stop talking 5 year old. Be strong Luigi.


Hey did I mention that on Wednesday night, I was talking to Karen on the phone, like we normally do for 46 hours each day (please do not email me to tell me that there are only 24 hours in a day, I swear I know that, but I’m just trying to emphasize that we speak ALOT on the phone, so ya) and she feel asleep on me? No, I didn’t tell ya? Well she did. We were watching Survivor and I’m making comments and usually she responds to them. She might only say, ’shut your cakehole’ or ‘are you still talking?’ or something to that effect, but alas, she said nothing. Zip. So I was all like, “…are you still awake? Hello? Ummmm, did you fall and can’t get up? Okay, well then, I’m hanging up and shit yo’…” and still nothing. So then I knew for sure that she had indeed, fallen asleep on my ass. Well not on my ass, that’s just an expression. We don’t do lesbian. I’m just sayin’. We like each other an’ all but not that much. Sheesh.


Oh……..Maddy just told Luigi off. Poor guy. Now she’s talking to Mario. Run Mario!!!!!! Run for the hills!!!!!!!!!!


Okay, I really must go eat because I’m abso-freakin-lutely starving. Happy St. Patty Day to all. Cheers.

March 16, 2006

…check this out HERE. Yes, I’m plugging myself. Ewww that sounded kinda gross. Anyway, check it out if you feel like it. Or not. But really would you? Please?