Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
Clogged arteries anyone???

March 22, 2006

I should really stay away from the kitchen when it comes to cooking. Sure, I can handle doing dishes. I can manage the microwave without too much incident. However, actual cooking, I need to step away from the stove now.

I bought some beef yesterday, all cut up and ready to use in a stir fry. But I’m thinking, well how tender can that meat be? I mean, the grocery store isn’t going to put out their best beef for a stir fry.

This morning, I’m talking to Karen and ask her what I can soak the beef in to marinade it. She made a couple of suggestions but I didn’t have what she mentioned. I looked through the fridge but with no luck. I then decided to check my spice cupboard and there it was, shining like a bright beacon on a dark, stormy night. It was calling my name and the name of my beef. The meat tenderizer.

Now, I was under the impression that meat tenderizer was odorless and tasteless. Perfect. I had 3 packages of beef to marinade, so I opened the first package, put it in my bowl, and proceeded to coat it with the tenderizer. I did this with the remaining 2 packages. Then, for good measure, I added more tenderizer after all 3 packages were in the bowl. Mixed it up and then added more. Then more. And a bit more. The meat was white with tenderizer. Fucking snow white. Oh my gawd, it was gonna be so damn tender. It would be so tender it would fall apart on your fork. You chefs and anyone with half a fucking brain in the kitchen, know where this is going.

I make my stir fry and serve hubby and Matt and myself. We sit down to eat it and noone says anything about it….until we were done. Anthony looks at me and asks what the hell I did to the meat? Did I go on a salt frenzy? Was there a sale on salt licks, and I put the whole damn thing in the pan? I’m like, no, what do you mean? He asks me if I thought the meat was a bit on the salty side? Wellll, yes it kinda was but I thought, well maybe it’s the meat’s fault. Hubby said it was like gawd awful salty ham. It was beef people, beef. But I had turned it into freakin ham. Soooo, apparently, meat tenderizer is not odorless and tasteless. No, no it is not.

I would recommend anyone using meat tenderizer, not to ‘coat’ your meat until it is ‘snow white’ because that will not make it ‘so tender’, it will ‘melt in your mouth’. Instead it will curl your tongue, give you heartburn and suck any moisture that you may have right out of your body and will most likely clog your arteries and put you at risk of having a salt overload. Ya.

On a sidenote, my BF (that’s best friend not boyfriend) Karen ( I guess her name would give away that she’s not a boy…anyway, I digress) is kind of a bitch, so she decided to post the parts of the story that I didn’t want to disclose for fear of making myself look more like a tard than I already to but since she apparently loves me soooo much, she went ahead and did it for me. Thanks ever so much.

Posted by Sassy @ 9:24 pmUncategorized12 comments  

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12 Responses to “Clogged arteries anyone???”

  1. I have no words for this. None.

  2. LMAO!! Sorry but that is to funny! Ok not that funny but still funny, I to have used to much meat tenderizer before. But at least you know better next time.

  3. Very funny indeed!

  4. LOL oh my I can see this unfolding!

  5. i saw that comming lol

  6. oh honey.. oh no!

    Ok.. look.. one of the easiest things you can do to meat of unknown tenderness is to braise it. Get your pan nice and hot and add a little oil. Throw that meat in there quick and brown it up. cover it in water and let it simmer for a while.

    And, just so you know, in a pinch, try marinating in simple vinegar and oil. Toss in a few spice and poof!

    I like to marinade in:

    Brown Sugar
    soy sauce
    honey or maple syrup
    red pepper flakes or any “hot” spice

    and it’s sort of sweet and sour too!

    (look! the lesbian can cook!)

  7. That is totally me in the kitchen! Which is why I avoid it!

  8. OMG girlfriend. I’m in tears here.lol

    Picture of Sassy’s Family Dinner…..PRICELESS.


  9. Oh my, when added to Karen’s post, it just gets funnier and funnier.

  10. so, despite the saltiness, was the meat superduper tender?

  11. This is brilliant. I can’t tell you how many cooking mistakes I’ve made like this one.

    Congrats on your Perfect Post Award. You deserve it! And I love that your Google ads to the right have lots of meat tenderizers for sale!

  12. LOL, I am still laughing! And still! LOL~

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