Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
I have my very own bread bitch.

April 8, 2006

It all started a couple of weeks ago.

I was craving some of my mil’s brown bread. It’s not whole wheat or rye, it’s brown. Made with molasses. And it’s very good. However, we all know my track record with cooking and/or baking. I suck. So what to do? Hmmmm. Thinking, thinking, thinking. I know! I’ll get my very own bread bitch. Lucky for me, I didn’t have to look far.

My son Matthew says he’ll take the position. Super. I can almost taste the bread now. And the best part? I don’t have to have anything to do with the preperation, therefore, it should turn out. I did purchase all the ingredients but I do not have to pour, measure, wisk, stir, knead. Excellent.

As the ingredients are being put in, I’m getting slightly worried. As you can see below, ummmm, the mixture looks like, well, shit. I’m sort of losing my desire for the bread but let my BB (bread bitch) continue. Surely if I have no part in the process, it will turn out. Right?

Said mixture, looks ‘questionable’ and if ‘questionable’ means ‘looks like poo’, then you’re right. But maybe there’ll be hope. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.
Tell your bread bitch (if you’re lucky enough to have one) to get back to kneading the bread dough and not to have elicit tongue action with said dough.
That’s more like it. Keep kneading that big brown mass until it’s soft or moist or doughy. I don’t know. Do I appear to have any knowledge in the kitchen? No. Therefore I do not know proper terminology. I’m not totally sure what the dough is supposed to look or feel like. Sue me.
After kneading said dough, cut it up with a dull butcher knife and then apparently you place it back into the baking pans to rise. So I’m told. Don’t take my word for it.
Now at this point, my concerns are mounting. Why does it look like poo brain matter? We let it rise for a couple of hours and then it goes into the oven. It bakes for a period (I’m assuming) and then my BB takes it out of the oven.
Okay BB is smiling and looking like he wants to have relations with that bread, so I’m guessing it turned out? Weeeeeeeellll, not entirely. Read on.
Okay, you see there were 4 loaves made and they seemed to come out and look like brown bread except they were much darker than when my mil makes it. Way darker. We all sampled it and the conclusion?

Well apparently, even though I had no part in the making or baking of this bread, I still managed to fuck it up. It tasted okay but not like my mil’s and it was very very molasses-y. And why is that? Well, the person who bought the molasses (ummm that’d be me), purchased the wrong molasses. I know, I know. I need to just stop doing anything with food period. Anyone want to come and cook for me? Like forever?

***Note*** Last week, my BB decided to make the bread recipe again, this time using molasses that he and his father picked out and guess what? It turned out just like my mil’s. They didn’t even tell me they were making it (smart move). If I know nothing about it, then there is no possible way for me to screw it up.

I’m going to give you the recipe as I remember it. Okay, you need molasses. But you can’t use the dark shit or your bread will come out like dark shit. Oh and you need flour. I remember that. I think sugar too. Oh geez, you gotta know amounts right? Hmmmmmmm. Is there eggs in it? Ummmmm, I don’t quite recall. Oh I think there’s margarine involved. And licquor. Oh wait, you don’t put the licquor in the mixture. I think you just drink that. Straight. There could possibly be salt. I know it’s not alot of salt…..maybe a dash? Or is it a pinch? Or maybe you throw the salt over your shoulder? Damn. I’m having fuzzy memories of this. How ’bout I get back to you on the details of the recipe? I should probably consult with someone who actually knows what they’re doing. Anyway, it’s really good if you make it correctly. I swear.

Posted by Sassy @ 12:29 amUncategorized5 comments  

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5 Responses to “I have my very own bread bitch.”

  1. LOL!!
    When you get the real recipe, will you share?

  2. SLOWLY walk away from the kitchen ROFLMAO!! Glad they figured out what went wrong.

  3. That isn’t a recipe, young lady, that’s speculation!

  4. Thank god for boxes of Betty Crocker and Duncan Hines – otherwise I’d never bake! I’d try from scratch before too, and it wasn’t pretty.

  5. Very cool design! Useful information. Go on!
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