Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
I’m a dumbass hero..almost.

May 14, 2006

I decided last night that I wanted to stay up and watch Mad TV, which I did almost successfully. I got to see the first two skits but then I was off to dreamland on the couch.

I awoke at about 4:30 with heartburn so bad I thought, oh shit, I’m having a heartattack. Turns out a couple of Tums put the fire out and I wasn’t actually dying. Anyway, as I’m standing at the kitchen counter, looking out at the night, I see a flash. What the hell?

It looked like it was a person, running. Then I heard it. A weird noise and then the flash again. OMG…….it was a vandal and a thief! He was running away with the neighbors mailbox! Shit, okay nerves are on edge, what do I do? Do I run outside and confront the thieving teen or call 911? My heart is racing now and I’m ready for a fight.

I hear the noise again and think, damn, he’s taking another mailbox. And wait……..there’s a car idling on the street for him. Oh I see he’s got a get away car. Little bastard. As I run to look out the other window, I realized something. How can that kid be taking people’s mailboxes? We don’t have individual mailboxes on our homes. We have a community mailbox that sits BESIDE MY YARD. And unless this kid is the Incredible Hulk on crack, he ain’t carrying a 300 lb mailbox.

My peasized confused brain is thinking a mile a minute. I take another look out the window, this time, really watching with a close eye and see that it’s a teen boy DELIVERING PAPERS while his MOM sits in the car waiting for him. The ‘weird’ noise I heard was the sound of the newspaper landing on the cement steps. Ummmm, ya. Can you say dumbass? Fucktard? Can you imagine if I had of called 911? ‘Ma’am, what would you like us to charge the teen boy with? Delivering newspapers? Think we should throw his lowlife ass in the can because clearly he’ll never be able to be rehabilitated’? Ya ya ya, snicker why don’t ya?

Remind me to mind my business next time I get up at 4:30am. Pee, get a Tum and go the hell back to bed. Do not pass Go. Do not look out window. Do not listen for noises. Do not care if you see a flash. Act dumb and get your dumb ass back in the bed. Lordy lordy.

Posted by Sassy @ 11:19 amUncategorized9 comments  

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9 Responses to “I’m a dumbass hero..almost.”

  1. Holy Shit. That is some of the funniest reading I’ve had in quite some time. I can just imagine you running around playing spy. haaaaa!!

  2. Honestly, I rather have you being nosy than ignoring strange sounds. It’s funny that it was just a kid delivering newspapers, but man, what if it wasn’t?

    Glad you had a good mother’s day :)

  3. LOL! Reminds me of the time I threw globs of mud at a male duck I assumed was trying to drown a female… Bird biology was not my forte. He was clibing up on her back, and well, you know… A stranger yelled ‘Hey ;eve ‘em alone, they’re just having a little fun!”
    Sometimes it’s fun to cruise new blogs…

  4. Oh HONEY!!! You’re killin’ me here!!! I definitely want you on my neighborhood watch :D

  5. oops… meant to say ‘good to know…’

  6. Don’t you dare mind your own business at 4:30 in the morning. It’s go to know what is normal activity around there. Ok, so you were initially way off track but you didn’t panic. You investigated a bit further, etc.

    Very damned funny, though….

  7. those newspaper delivery boys are sneaky little bastards – with their tiptoeing onto other people’s property and their getaway cars!

  8. ps. one time me and my husband called 911 because we thought someone was breaking in to our house and it ended up being a cat scratching and trying to get in our window! how embarrasing!

  9. Not meant to be arbitrary, but what is ‘suga’ as in ‘Gimmie some Suga’?
    Before I comment, gotta make sure if I have whatever this is. I’m just saying.

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