Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
I can’t help myself.

May 25, 2006

I’ve tried to stop myself but I just can’t. So I won’t. So I am going to just go off on a little jaunt. What the hell am I babbling about? Read on.

I watched American Idol last night. Totally got into it this year and watched every single show. I was rooting for Chris to win as were alot of people I know and boo hoo’ed along with the other fans when he was off the show. I’m over it now and have stopped crying and staying in my pajamas all day and eating bonbons. I know he’ll go places. My second choice, who became my first choice after Chris left was Taylor. He won. So I’m all happy about that. We can now move on to my little manic/giddy/silly/lovable rants.

First, overall, the show was, to say the least, entertaining, at least to me anyway. There were a few cheesy parts but hey, I like cheese and it did keep me glued to the tv, so I guess they did their job. So here goes…..

Rant # 1:

David Hasselhoff tearing up as they are reading the name of the winner. Now I’m assuming he’s weeping because he liked Taylor and was happy that he won. Or maybe it’s because he is realizing, he no longer has to shave his chest hair for Baywatch. Or perhaps because he misses KITT. I’m not 100% sure.

Rant # 2:

Tony Braxton “singing” with Taylor Hicks. I say ‘singing’ loosely. I’m not sure if she realized she wasn’t singing. I heard her say “woo” a few times and mumble something about ‘I’m a weirdo and eat my bellybutton lint’, but really couldn’t make out any coherant lyrics to the song she was supposed to be singing. And she was wearing a babydoll/nighty thing. Ya, I’m sure the guys went all gaga over her dress, and by dress I mean hooker ensemble, but come on. Then again, maybe she’s broke from not having that much of a ‘singing’ career because she mumbles, and forgets the words to her songs, so she can’t afford a real dress. I dunno.

Rant # 3:

The Clay Aiken wannabe/lookalike/not sure why you’d want to look like Clay/ guy came out on stage and starting singing. Within a few seconds of his ‘performance’, the real Clay comes out and fake Clay creams his pants. I mean, did you see the way he was shaking? He was meeting Clay Aiken for shitsake. Not like he was meeting me. Then I could see him shaking and quaking on his scrawny little legs. Anyway, they have their little duet moment until Ryan SeaImNotGayCauseIKissedTerrySnatcherCrest basically hauls fake Clay off by his teeny, tiny wee little arms and plunks him down on a stool on the stage. Fake Clay continues to shiver and sweat in the presence of his ‘idol’. Maybe fake Clay and real Clay will become ‘friends‘. Fingers crossed.

Okay, so far we have 3 rants. And not angry rants. No no no no no. Because all of it made me laugh and laughing is good ya? But my fourth rant is not about me being all happy and giddy. It’s about me being annoyed. It’s my party and I’ll be annoyed if I want to.

Rant # 4:

Keeeelie Piiiiickler. Okay listen, we’ve all heard jokes and sterotypes about people from the South, which obviously aren’t true. Trust me, we have some dumb fuckers up here in Canada too…and in all parts of the country equally. So her ‘southern dumb crap’ is just that, crap. I think she’s acting and not very well. I don’t believe she’s as stupid as she lets on and probably thinks that we all get a kick out of her. Personally I just want to kick her. “I thought you pronounced salmon like SALLLLL mon”. Riiiight. Because in all your years of being raised by retarded monkey’s schooled, I’m sure someone said the word salmon and pronounced it correctly.

When Wolfgang Puck is showing her what a lobster is (you don’t know what a lobster looks like? You really need to go back to the woods Keeeellllie), I just wanted that lobster to accidently shoot her in the face. And she was shocked that people eat snails. Jesus. Have you ever watched tv? Read a book? Punched yourself in the face? Please just stop talking. Someone take her microphone away. Forever. Go back to your rollerblading/hamburger slinging job. Make homemade soup. Go to Walmart. Take a trip in a sailboat. Eat a pickle. Punch yourself in the face. Oh wait, I already said that once. Aw fuck it, I’m saying it again. Just please, go away.

There, I got that off my chest and boy does it feel good. I can move on with my life now and be happy. Happy happy day. Tomorrow is Friday. Gosh, does it get any better than this people? No, no it doesn’t.

Posted by Sassy @ 9:35 pmUncategorized9 comments  

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9 Responses to “I can’t help myself.”

  1. David Hasselhoff is reminding me of Michael Landon more and more. Creepy.

    Toni Braxton totally fucked up that song. Was she shit faced? High? I dunno but she sooo-hucked!

    I thought I was going to SHIT MY PANTS when that wanna be nearly fell out on stage. I hope they can be “best friends”.

    Good fucking god. Kellie Pickler has got to be the most ignorant human on the face of the planet. HINT: Rednecks don’t have perfect teeth. They have lobsters, calamari, escargot and all the other things in The South. She is totally a fake. I know ’cause I’m from The South. She’s a total faker and she deserves to serve slushies and hamburgers at Sonic ’til the cay-ows come hoo-oome.

  2. I can’t believe I’m friends with people that watch that show.


  3. I’m with you Karen (unless of course your being facetious).

  4. I love american idol…but absolutely can not stand kelli pickler…i swore if she won that i would never watch the show again! i don’t think anyone can really be that stupid!

  5. Well, Sassy, I am from the “lil ol’ south,” and I can attest with all certainty that there are PLENTY of people down here who:

    A) Pronounce “salmon” as SAL-mon. My mother, for instance, despite being corrected 786 times. Also, “li-berry” and “stoled.” You simply adopt the vernacular of your surroundings. It’s not a myth, eh?

    B) Eat snails. Just because you canucks are surrounding by the French doesn’t mean that eating mollusks is normal. Because it’s NOT. Also, it’s not normal to be that smelly and surrender all the time, either.

    C) Read a book. We’re American, for Christ’s sake. We don’t know our own geography or state capitals. We think it’s better to WATCH stuff than to DO stuff. It’s the American way. U S A!! U S A!!!

  6. ugh, I meant “surrounded.”

    And Kentucky Girl, you are NOT from the South! You are from a BORDER STATE that did NOT secede. Kentucky is the south’s retarded second cousin who always shows up to the reunions without being invited. And smells like horses and yankees.

  7. I’m not even really FROM The South…I was born in California. SOUTHERN California which makes me a southerner. Shove that up your twat and smoke it.

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