May 14, 2006

…….I have some great kids.


I found out that my 3 teens wanted to buy me a new patio set that was over $300 but that hubby talked them out of it (gee thanks honey) because then they’d all be broke for the next 2 weeks. My answer was ’so’? Actually I’m kidding, I wouldn’t want them to be broke…….ooooorr would I? Really I’m kidding. Sheesh.


I then found out, that my 18 year old wanted to buy me a ‘day at the spa’. Holy shit. I have never had a day at the spa. However, he couldn’t really afford that by himself either. But I did get some wonderful perfume from him. I’s never had real ’spensive parfume before and I’s smell good now.


I got a bouquet of tulips from my oldest and his gf. My 2 younger kids made me cards that were hilarious and one made a little hat box lined in shiny, gold wrapping paper and the other painted a tiny flower pot. Plus I got lots of smiles, hugs and kisses. Doesn’t get any better than that.


Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there. Give yourself a hug today.

May 13, 2006

……but the desire to check my site meter and see how people got here was just too great to pass up before heading to bed. This is a recent search that brought someone here:


‘My cat ate my Chia pet plant what should I do?’


Punch yourself in the face.


Sweet dreams dear friends and readers!

May 12, 2006

Remember my canker sore woes here? Well there are apparently more ‘remedies’ available to me. However, I’m drawing the line at doing lesbian. I like lesbians. I mean who doesn’t? But the first remedy sounds……..well, I’m not even sure how to explain it. Read on:


Lady’s mantle: Drink an infusion of lady’s mantle to soothe the canker. Listen, I’m sure an infusion of a lady’s mantle might be a turn on to some but I’m just not into lady’s mantles. Nor drinking an infusion of it. Thanks anyway.


Thuja 9: 5 gr. on waking, once a fortnight. I…….what? What the hell is ‘thuja’??? And a fortnight is 2 WEEKS. I’m hoping this beeyotch of a canker sore is gone way before that. So no, not doing this.


Arsenicum album 7 and Hydrastis 7: 2 gr. at about 6 PM. Each remedy on alternate days. Is this a joke? Arsenicum sounds a little too much like arsenic to me, so I’m passing on this bitch too. And what in gods name is hydrastic? And I have to do it at 6pm? Well, I have plans so fogeddaboutit.


Burdock: Ummm I used to get burdocks stuck to my pantlegs when I was a kid out hiking with friends in overgrown fields. I’m not sure what they want me to do with a burdock, but I’m not putting it in my mouth. Cankersores hurt and I’m guessing sticking burdocks in one’s mouth would join along in the same category, as in THIS FUCKER HURTS IN MY MOUTH.


Okay I’m done researching cankersores. I’m going to keep pouring salt directly on it and doping myself up on Advil for pain and dip my tongue in whiskey.

My husband asked me to find him a washed pair of underwear downstairs. All I could find was a pair that had seen better days. The waistband was torn and basically useless, but hey, they were clean.


He put them on and asked me if I had a safety pin. Hello? Do I look like a seamstress? Pffft. No.


He leaves to go drop off some quotes and also to take his business cards door to door, which requires walking. Walking.


I get a phone call.



Me: Hi.


Hubby: Hi. Ya, that pair of underwear you gave me, well they suck.


Me: Oh?


Hubby: Ya, oh. I walked about 10 feet from the van, along the sidewalk and before I knew it, my underwear were hanging down around my knees.


Me: Hysterically laughing now.


Me: That’s funny.


Hubby: Hahahahahaaha. Ya, no it’s not. Do you know how uncomfortable that is?


Me: Well I suppose I could imagine. More laughter erupts from me. I’m trying to feel compassion here, I really am.


Hubby: Lemme tell ya, it ain’t fun. I had to walk back to the van, well more like waddle, and decide what I was going to do.


Me: Don’t keep me in suspense.


Hubby: Well I couldn’t very well take my pants off in the van in plain view. I could be arrested for lewd conduct or some such thing.


Me: Now that would be funny.


Hubby: Right. Anyway, I happen to have a pair of scissors in the van, so I undid my pants and cut my underwear on either side and then pulled them up and out of my jeans. Really nice.


Me: Maybe you should invest in new underwear.


Hubby: Ya. Thanks.

May 10, 2006

Red hair. Green eyes. Pale skin. Those are the colors of me. Happy HNT!

Ooo I love people. Especially those ones that do weird Google searches and land here. Here are some recent ones, that quite frankly had me howling.


‘Easter bunny from dog poo’. Huh?


‘I want to punch Oprah’. Ya, well get in line.



‘Poop dump in panties’. You might want to seek professional help for that. And buy new panties.


‘GAWD loves UGLY’. Sure.


‘on fire into the fire’. I say step away from the fire.


‘I kicked + in the balls’. Whatever floats your boat loser.

Who knew that a little white circle on your gums could be so painful? I have a canker sore and it hurts like hell. Hell I say! Canker sores are not related to cankles, so please don’t confuse the two.


I’ve been faithfully swishing with salt water because that’s what everyone and their dog has told me to do. I remember having one years ago and also swished with salt water back then. But so far it’s not been working and I’m stomping around like a big baby, complaining to anyone who will listen. And that would be: NOT MANY. However, not one thing I’ve read thus far mentions anything about salt and/or water. So who started that rumor?


Anyway, I decided I would search a ‘home remedy’ for canker sores. Boy I’m sure glad I did that. Here is what I can do that might work to help lessen the pain and/or get rid of it. They also list things I should avoid to prevent them from reoccurring.


Gargle with hydrogen peroxide. I might as well swallow gasoline.


Take some ear wax and place it directly on the canker sore. What??? Ummm I don’t normally save up my ear wax, I’m fresh out, so I would have to borrow someone else’s. I’m sure as shit not doing that.


Take a teabag, some goldenseal root (Ya like I know what that is) and a bit of milk of magnesa and make a paste. What the fuck? Do I look like a chef? No, no I do not. I can barely make toast. Like I could manage making a paste. Pfffttt.



Keep the bowels regular to prevent toxic buildup. I didn’t shit in my mouth for godsake. I. do. not. have. toxic. buildup.


Do not use other’s toothbrushes. Are you fucking kidding me? Shit, now I have to return the neighbor’s OralB soft bristle.


Soak your tongue in whiskey. Ya, if I did that I wouldn’t care about the canker sores or any toxic shit build up in my mouth or that I’m using the neighbor’s toothbrush. I’ll likely be out dancing on the picnic tables at the park.


Swish with a bit of iodine. That cannot be right. Like I’m really about to do that.


An old time remedy was to smash up a spider and place it on the sore. Let’s see I’m an arachnophobiac so this will never happen IN A MILLION YEARS.


Cook a fig in milk and place it in your mouth. Remember above? About the paste? Ya I’m not cooking anything.


Fenugreek can be used. Fen u who? Huh?


Use the inner bark of a papaya tree like they do in Fiji. K, lemme go call my travel agent.


Get someone to punch you in the face. Ya, I’m gonna go with that one.


You know what? I’m sticking with the salt water. Booouh yaaaaaaa.

May 7, 2006

Can I just say I have the prettiest little girl? Well, I’m her kinda nutty mom, so of course I think that but come on, look at her and her spankin’ new hair cut!


She did very well and I must say I’m proud of the decision she made. I video taped the whole session and daddy took a ton of pictures as per pyscho’s mom’s instructions. I think she looks adorable, however, I do have a twinge of sadness that she now looks a bit older and is quickly losing her ‘baby’ look. But she’s a smart little wiffet and I guess she can’t stay a baby forever, even though some days I’d like her too. I guess that’s the feeling you get when your last little one is starting to take on new roles and challenges and independance seems to come at an accelerated pace.


I’m proud of myself for letting go of those, sometimes selfish little mom moments (but dammit, I’m video taping and photographing along the way!), where you just want them to stay young and cling to you forever. I know there will be more, as I’ve had with my boys and I’m quite certain I’ll do a bit more kicking and pouting along the way but at the same time, I’m happy that they feel confident enough to make some decisions on their own and feel good about them.

May 6, 2006

See that pretty little face? That would be my pretty little girl. And she’s gonna break my heart tomorrow. Oh and probably in about 10 years as well but right now, I’ll deal with the issue at hand.


Tomorrow is ‘the big day’. And what big day am I taking about? She’s getting her long hair cut. **Sniff sniff**. Okay, I know the guys that come here are gonna be like, what’s she all blubbering about. The women that come here, who have no children, are gonna be like, what’s she got her panties in a bunch about? It’s the moms that come by here, that have daughters especially, who will truly understand what I’m taking about.


It’s the end of an era almost. It’s another way to show independance. Not that I don’t want her to be independant, because believe me, for a 5 year old, she’s an old soul. But it’s just one step closer to growing up and she’s my baby. And really, if I want to throw myself a freakin’ pity party, I will dammit, I will.


Her hair is past her little butt and she wants it cut to about my length, which is still fairly long but it will be just past her shoulders. She’s gonna look too grown up, I just know it. Yes, I’m stomping my feet and pouting but I am going to give myself a pat on the back too. I mean, I thought for sure I would through a tantrum when she told me she wanted it cut. I envisoned the day and really saw myself throwing spoons, toilet papering the house in rebellion, smashing a cup or two and then throwing my limp body on the floor and pounding the hardwood with my fists. But alas, I didn’t do much of that. I think I handled myself quite well actually and hardly anything got broken or mangled.


I took about 80 pictures of her today in her dance outfit for her show coming up next month. I had to narrow it down to about 30 to get printed. If you click her sweet picture, you will see a small sampling of the shots I got (they’re at my photo blog…fuck I’m lazy and really need to get a button made for that……anyhooooo). I also took some with her hair down so I can look back and shed tears at the hair that is gone. Hey it’s a mom thing or maybe it’s a Sassy thing, but either way, I’m going to cry tomorrow, I’m kinda looney at times, I know, I know. I will also be taking pictures and video of the whole thing being done. Am I a crackpot or what (don’t answer that.)? Oh well, at least I don’t accuse people of stealing shit from the grocery store. Sweet dreams my friends.

May 5, 2006

Look at my keychain, isn’t he adorable? I love ‘Happy bunny’ and his little sayings. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I will apologize right now for this mish mash of random crap but you’re gonna have to deal mmmmkay?

I was walking home with Maddy from school yesterday and there was a young couple walking towards us. The mom was pushing a stroller with a toddler in it and dad had a golden retriever on a leash. Dog shits on the grass beside the sidewalk. Dad does what people with dogs who shit on the grass are supposed to do…bends down to pick it up. But mom doesn’t know he’s stopped to pick up a load of shit and keeps on walking. I mean she’s ahead of him but not like she’s sprinting away with their offspring and he’ll never see them again. Dad starts whining and when I say whining, I mean a full out and out, little kid whine, ‘cept he’s about 30. “Why are you waaaaaaalking so far from me? Waaaaaaaait!!!!!! Waaaaaaaait!!!! No faaaaaaair” His voice is all nasally and he sounds like a petulant 2 year old. WTF? Mom turns around (I just had to turn around to see this) and she’s standing there with hand on hip, giving dad the death look. He’s six feet under baby with those daggers. He picks up the poo and literally stomps off towards his wife and child. I’m thinking, perhaps she should let the toddler walk the dog and put big baby daddy in the stroller. Sheesh.


I went to the grocery store yesterday and lucky me got Betty the pyscho nice cashier. She’s always such a freak pleasure. I had brought Maddy with me and pushed her in the stroller so I could bring more stuff home had she and I just walked and not used the stroller. So as I’m shopping, I just fill up the back of the stroller as opposed to getting a shopping cart. I place all my items on the counter and Betty is staring at me. I’m wondering why she’s not starting to ring everything in. I’m getting worried now. There’s gonna be a shit storm of freakishness now. Gawd I want to punch her in the face love her.


“What you got in stroller”?


“Nothing, it’s all on the counter now”.


“How you know”?


“Huh? I know because I just bent down and took everything out of the stroller and placed it on the counter”.


“You steal”?


“What? No I’m not stealing. You can plainly see the back of my stroller. It’s empty of groceries”.


“I see something”.


“Yes. A grocery flyer. I’m pretty sure they’re free. Plus it’s from about 4 weeks ago, so I’m certain it’s no good anymore”.


“You want bag”?


“Yes I want bagsssssssssss. Five of them”.


“I am gonna give you 5 then”.


“K”. Omg the torture.


I hadn’t seen her in forever, so I was hoping she’d gotten fired or gone back to planet imfuckedinthehead but I guess no such luck.


As I’m leaving the store, 2 women stopped me to admire the giant fake flower I had bought (I’m using it in my photography session with Maddy today). The older of the 2 women asks me if she can pick it up to see it better. I tell her sure. She asks me politely how much I paid for it and where it was in the store. I tell her. Then she gets weird. She holds the flower up to her head and says, “hahahhahaha can you imagine putting that in your hair? Your head would fall off. Hahahahahhahaha. I’m not going to put that in my hair. No way. But it’s pretty. Pretty pretty pretty. But not for your hair”. I’m in the Twilight Zone right? I’ve been abducted by aliens and taken to Betty’s planet. Someone rescue me now. Please.


Later in the afternoon, I decided to watch some of Dr. Phil. And can I just say, there are some messed up people out there. There’s a chick on the show, who’s bf, shot her in the face, point blank and now she’s got no right eye. I mean she’s freakin’ lucky to be alive. Okay, here’s where it’s messed up to me. She still loves him. Huh??????????? I mean if the person you’re with forgets to take the garbage out on a regular basis or has smelly feet, well perhaps you can get past all that. But he shoots you in the face? Ah that’s a big, motherfucking deal breaker in my book. She said she wants help. Ah huh.


Oprah had a lady on yesterday, that won a million dollars for her chicken stuffing recipe. She prepared it on the show and she put frozen waffle sticks in the stuffing. Wow. I can barely toast the frozen waffle sticks and this woman makes a recipe so good, using them, she’s set for life. I’m doubting I’ll ever win any kind of cooking contest. But people often frequent my blog when searching for valuable information about meatloaf. Lord knows I’m the best at that.


Okay for all you freaks that shit your panties and search for ’shit my panties’ and end up here, happy Friday and get some new underwear. For all of my ’sane’ (and sane being used loosely….muaahahahahah) readers, thanks for stopping by and have a super weekend!