June 12, 2006

My son and his gf were having a small get together on Friday evening. They would be hanging out downstairs and people were going to start arriving around 8pm.


My 5 year old overheard someone say ‘party’. Her ears perked up and she wanted to know where, when, why and more about this ‘party’.


Me: It’s not so much a party really. They’re just having 4 people over.


Her: Well can I go? I love parties!


Me: Most certainly not. First, you’ll be in dreamland and second, it’s a party for teenagers and young 20 somethings.


Her: Oh so I can’t go then?


Me: That is correct.


Her: Why? Are they going to sit around and talk about their prrrriiiivates?


Me: Whaaaaaaaaaat???????????? Where does this child come up with this stuff? I mean really.


Her: Isn’t that what teenagers do? That’s what I’ve heard.


Me: That’s what you’ve heard? Where have you heard that? I’m pretty sure they don’t teach you that in Kingergarten. Give me strength.


Her: I just know these things.


Me: Ah huh. Well let’s assume then, that they are going to sit around and talk about their privates. All the more reason, you will not be attending.



I can’t wait for her to be 13. Help me. Someone. Now.

June 11, 2006

I feel your tiny lips in a gentle breeze. I see your tiny face in a beautiful flower. I wonder what you’d look like today. Would your hair be long? Would I be helping you ride a bike without the training wheels? Would you have freckles spattering your nose? Would pink be your favorite color? Or maybe blue? Would you giggle over my silly jokes? So many unanswered questions left with your sweet memory.


To my daughter Angela, you would be seven years old today had you been able to stay with us. But you were needed elsewhere and we had no choice but to say goodbye. Not forever though. Someday I will see you again and thank you for watching down on us and remind you of how much I love you. Although some have seemingly forgotten you and your exsistance on this earth, I never will. I think of you often and today will be my day to take out your few, precious keepsakes and hold them close to me. Rest well my sweet girl. Mommy loves you.

June 8, 2006

Blogger has been not so user friendly the last couple of days, at least to me anyway. They must be hungry because they keep eating my posts. Or perhaps it’s because my ramblings were shit and they were saving me from embarrassment.


Summer is fast approaching.


My kids are going to be done school in about 2 weeks. I’d better stock up on booze. Wait, I don’t drink. Maybe I should consider it. If I’m smashed slightly tipsy, then the crayon on the walls, the huge wads of toilet paper in the toilet, the spilled juice boxes, the whining, the unmade beds, the blaring tv with absurd cartoons playing, the chocolate pudding smeared on the cabinet doors, the milk left out on the counter, the fighting and the dishes piled high in the sink, won’t bother me so much. And that’s just my teenagers. Lord help me with the younger two.


I’m trying to think of things to keep them somewhat entertained some of the time. How many trips to the park can one person make before they want to drive rusty nails in their eye sockets? I’m thinking sending them to the park by themselves is out. Especially if I’m going to take up drinking.


I think we’re going camping this summer at some point. Won’t that be fun? I’m still trying to figure out how I can get my air conditioner to work in the tent. And where exactly does one use the bathroom? I’m pretty certain tents don’t come with indoor plumbing. And does one tent hold 7 people? I really have more research to do I think. Or maybe just checking into a hotel would be best.


I’ve signed my daughter up for swim lessons in July for 2 weeks. So that means for 2 weeks I have to get up early and out the door by 8:30am. Surely I must have been on the bong when I did that. Why couldn’t one of the older kids teach her to swim? I could print a ‘you did great honey’ ribbon off the computer. Why do I always think of these things after I’ve already paid?


Thank the Lord I get a break in August. A bunch of us crazy bizatches will be hanging out for a week, acting like asses ladies, eating so much shit we’ll blow up lots of lean meat and veggies and drinking plenty of alcohol water. We’ll get to bed at 4:30am a decent hour and laugh so much we’ll need adult diapers a little. I can’t freakin’ wait.


I guess I’d better enjoy the last 2 weeks of freedom before the fruit of my loins are home full time. Give me strength.

June 7, 2006

Okay, so here’s my drivel news. Did anyone miss me while I was gone? Anyone? Hello? Bueller? Well okay, I just didn’t post for a couple of days, but still.


Anyway, I’ve been busy sitting on my ass being creative, so I’ve not had time to post. You know how it is.


Oh guess what? Paris Whoreton Hilton has her new shit music video out. I was really too lazy to post the link for you but honestly, if you saw/heard it, you’d just want to shoot yourself anyhow. So I’m doing you a favor and saving your life. I’m betting there’s no vocal enhancement there. Oh and she’s so creative. We’ve never seen a music video with a bimbo romping around half naked on the beach sucking face with a manwhore. There’s a new concept.


My 18 year old got a new job…it pays him $2.00 more per hour! Way to go bizatch! Ya, we call each other loving nicknames all the time. Warms the cockles.


I took my husband with me today to go grocery shopping. *Note to self…don’t do that*. We get to the check out and the cashier asks us how many bags we want. My hubby says, “I want 47″. Cashier looks frightened and asks him if he’s sure. She then looks at me. I tell her he’s being an ass and we really want 10. She giggles nervously and hands him 10 plus a few extra. I guess she wanted to make sure he’d not speak to her ever again. I swear you can dress him up but you can’t take him anywhere.


I’m dreaming of getting a new camera. Problem is, I’m not quite rich enough to get it. And by ‘not quite rich enough’, I mean I’m too poor to get it. However, I think the magic money fairy is going to buy it for me. No, I’ve not been smoking crack. We all know that there’s really a magic money fairy but she’s got a waiting list. She’ll get to me when she can. *Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink*


There is some show on tv right now…hosted by Ricky Lake (I thought she fell off the face of the earth but apparently not). It’s game shows revisited or some such shit. Tv’s has beens are the contestants. At least their winnings are donated to charity. *Yawn*


I made soft shell tacos for supper tonight. My kids were a tad fearful that I was cooking but since they were hungry, they decided to be brave and eat them. They did, however, have a jug of milk and a box of cereal just incase.


Oh I got a wrong number today but it wasn’t nearly as fun as my last one. I pray for wrong numbers every day now so I can have a little spice added to my life. Sitting around and eating bonbons and getting foot massages just doesn’t cut it in the exciting department.


And last but not least, I must give a shout out to Kentucky Girl. I wanted to give her a high five on her ’sassy’ comeback the other day. She so rocks. I would have posted this sooner but as I just mentioned, I’ve been eating bonbons and getting my feed massaged so I’ve not had the time really. You go girl!


Alright, time for me to eat icecream do something constructive. If I’ve put anyone in a boredom coma, I’m very sorry and I’ll try to do better next time.

June 5, 2006

To the person who googled, ‘big hard poop cramps’, take a dump or see a doctor. I have no other advice for you. Even if you search long and hard, through my blog, you won’t find the answers you’re looking for. May the force be with you.

June 3, 2006

Thirty nine. Three……nine, 39. Three times 10 plus 9 more. Thirteen x 3. That’s what I’ll be in a couple of months. Should I be scared? I dunno.

In the year that I was 19, I was married, got pregnant, got seperated, gave birth to my son and moved back with my parents. That’s alot for a still teenager, heading into adulthood. I had to grow up pretty fast but at the same time, I didn’t want to lose my youth. I was so afraid of that.

I dreaded turning 20. It seemed so daunting and made me think, shit, I’ll be old. An old maid with a kid, who will want me? I know now, that was really kinda dumb to think that but hey, I was still basically a kid with a kid, living with my parents and siblings. Some challenges there to say the least. Luckily, things worked out for me and by the time I was 21, I met the man of my dreams, got remarried and we had 2 sons at that point.

I got through my 20’s with some ups and downs but for the most part, happy and blessed that my life had turned out how it had. And as I was approaching my 30’s, I never felt that twinge of sadness about leaving my 20’s. I refused to be ‘29 and holding’. I’ve never lied about my age nor have I exactly acted my age but not in a throw her in jail kinda way, more of a she’s a girl who knows how to have fun once in awhile kinda way. I love to laugh and be silly and anyone who truly knows me, knows that I can be serious if I have to be but at the same time, can be fun and carefree. I’d like to think I’ve kept that youth, albeit a few lines, a couple of grey hairs and hopefully a tiny bit of wisdom. Plus, age is a number right? I mean if you feel like you’re 23, then it’s all good. I know some people who lie about their age, and truthfully I don’t get it. It’s not like someone couldn’t look at your driver’s license or tickle you until you spill the beans about how old you really are. Or threaten to punch you in the face. I’m just sayin’.

So in less than 2 years, I’ll be leaving my 30’s but hey, 40 is the new 27 right? And if it’s not, well, I’ll just make it so it is. I have that power you know. I have connections. Ah huh.


Below is a recent picture of me, no makeup (with the exception of a bit of pink lip gloss), hair not really done and looking like I’m about to beg for money. Okay, I was going to beg for money but that’s not the point. I feel a little naked posting that picture because quite frankly, I love my makeup and feel like people are pointing at me and laughing if I don’t have it on. Plus I’m a showoff and showoffs, do not like being unmade up. It’s a fact. Look it up.


Anyway, cheers to almost 39.

June 2, 2006

I love when my phone rings and it’s a wrong number. That’s my favorite thing ever.


Hello?


Hi.


Hi?


Is this Francis?


Nope.


Oh sorry, well I’m looking for Francis.


Okay. She’s not here.


Do you know when she’ll be back?


No. She’s gone to Japan.


Pardon???????? Japan?


Yes.


I think I have the wrong number.


Ya think?


Is this ***-****?


Yes it sure is.


Okay but the Francis you know is in Japan?


I don’t know a Francis.


You just said she was in Japan.


Ya, and? I’m sure there must be at least one Francis in Japan.


Okay, listen, do I have the right number or not? Getting pissy with me now. Sheesh.


Well you have the right number if you’re looking for me.


Are you Francis?


Nope.


Listen, is your mom or dad there? I don’t have time for games.


I’m the mom.


Really? I don’t think you are.


Well my kids would beg to differ.


Okay I’m hanging up now and redialing because I feel I’m being played here. I’ll report you.


Report me to whom? The nice manners police?


CLICK.


20 seconds later……


Hello?


Hi, may I speak to Francis?


She’s not here.


May I leave a message for her?


Sure can!


Okay, can you let her know that Mrs. Dempsey called please and she can reach me at the office. She’s got my number.


Okay but she’s in Japan.


What is your problem? Is this ***-****?


Yuppers.


Okay, you know it’s really rude when someone is trying to leave a message for another person and their daughter is playing games and being inconsiderate.


Ya, really. That is rude. I agree.


May I please speak to your mother?


Is my mother Francis? If you say yes, then you know she’s in Japan.


CLICK.


TGIF! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m still waiting for the phone to ring again and hoping Mrs. Dempsey wants to go another round…Muahahahahahha.

June 1, 2006

I am going to a “tea” in about 20 mins at my daughter’s school. It’s to show appreciation for all the moms and dads that volunteer. I, however, don’t drink tea. What do I do? Sit there like a moron pretending to drink the tea? Take a sip and then say that my cankersores are back and that I can’t possibly continue drinking it and politely smile? Fake a gallbladder attack? Is there such a thing? Hope I spontaneously combust into flames? And no I can’t drink the coffee they may offer as a substitute. I don’t like coffee.


Geez, what is wrong with me? I don’t drink alcohol, smoke, do drugs, drink coffee or tea, burp, emit ass noises or eat snot. I must be defective. I suck at cooking too. I have fooked up homemade macaroni and cheese, meatloaf, cookies (but I did finally master those last year, yay me), some chicken recipe I got off of the Regis and KathyLee show way back when. It called for 1/2 teaspoon of curry powder and I put in a 1/2 cup instead. The dish was supposed to be cream colored and it instead was bright, dayglow, nuclear waste orange. Needless to say I was forbidden from ever making it again. Okay, I’m not sure how this turned into me being a bad cook kinda post, but that’s they way we’re heading mmmmmkay?


I have attempted elaborate, cookbook recipes which ended up blowing big time. Whenever I, on a rare ocsassion, pull out a cookbook, my family laughs hysterically and then they cower in fear. What in hell is she going to try now? Please God, punch her in the face so she’ll never be able to read a cookbook again. That’s what they chant until I put the book away and step away from the stove.


I’m not sure where my ineptness for cooking comes from. My mother is a pretty good cook. My sister seems to have mastered it. I think even my dad can fend for himself. My brother eats out alot (so that’s another post). My mom’s mother was always baking and cooking. I remember watching her with fasination and eating raw cookie dough on numerous occassions. But somewhere along the line, the cooking part of my brain, said, ah fuck it. I really do not like preparing meals. Luckily we do alot of barbequing, so I basically have to come up with a sidedish or two. I did try to barbeque once. I put the steak on and it ended up all black and rubbery on the outside and mushy and bloody on the inside. Wasn’t very good. No shit Sherlock.


Okay, I suppose I should go get ready for the big tea. Hopefully they’ll have water for us weirdos that don’t do tea or coffee. Wish me luck, wah.