Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
Psssssssst…….over here.

July 8, 2006

It’s Saturday morning and I’m all alone. Well not exactly, but my husband is gone and my older kids are all at work and my 2 youngest troublemakers sweetiepies are still sleeping. I guess that rum in their bedtime drink really worked. Thumbs up.

Now what to do while I have some quiet time? I know, I’ll just listen to the quiet. How exciting is that? Pretty darn fun if you ask me when I normally listen to ‘circus performers’ most the day.

Wanna hear something? Okay good. Yesterday, as I’m lying on the couch drooling reading, I happen to look up and see something on my ceiling. It’s over by the fireplace wall. I slowly put my book down and get up only to find out it’s a spider. I’m sure most people who saw it, would think, you can hardly even see that, are you sure it’s a spider? But to me, it looked like the King Kong of spiders. It was so gross. I ever so carefully back away (like the spider is going to pounce on me from the ceiling and start doing Ninja moves on me) to get my broom. I had to make a decision. Either kill it myself, as noone else was here except my monkey’s or have that thing crawl somewhere and then I’d not know about it’s whereabouts and worry the whole day. I decided I’d kill the asshole myself.

I stealthily move towards the wall and ever so slowly lift the broom up until it’s just about touching the fucker spider and am almost ready to squash it but then it falls. Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Great. I jump back in extreme fear and quickly scan my floor to see where it went, broom outstretched, ready to kill that 8 legged bastard the second I see it. Only there’s one problem. I can’t see it. I start to panic that maybe it’s landed on me, conjuring up all sorts of visions of the spider releasing it’s fangs to suck my blood, bite me and leave me for dead. Which, looking back now, I’m thinking, is perhaps a little extreme since I’m pretty sure (not 100% sure though) that the spider doesn’t have fangs and as far as I know, here in Calgary we don’t have poisonous spiders. And for Godsake if someone from Calgary comes to my blog, please do not correct me and tell me that we do have poisonous spiders here. Let me live peacefully in my fantasy world. Thank you.

My eyeballs are going a mile a minute, looking all over the floor for this creature of doom. I look on my loveseat (gawd I’m getting itchy as I type this), check the couch, the fireplace screen……no sign of it. Just freakin’ great. Now I’m really panicked because I have no idea where it went and where it may end up.

A couple of hours goes by and I’m still keeping a watchful eye out for this holy terror. I’m talking to Karen and relaying my story of near death (for me) (so I’m a bit dramatic) and then she says, ‘oh you won’t want to see a certain blog then’. Okay, now listen. You just cannot say that to me and expect me not to go look. I tell her she must show me the link immediately (I’d link you but I didn’t book mark it) so she warns me and then gives me the link. I threw up a little in my mouth. A mom had found her stroller taken hostage by hundreds of baby spiders all entangled in a web. It was so gross. That poor stroller. And that poor mom who took the picture. I’d die right there. Oh you think I’m kidding? Listen, I’m dramatic and all but really, I’d die right on the spot if I saw those things on my stroller. Yuck.

Needless to say, I was itchy and my skin was crawling. Yes, I know, it was my own bloody fault for begging her to show me the link but I can’t help myself. When you tell me I cannot look at something for whatever reason, that just makes me want to look at it all the more. Anyway, as we’re talking and grossing out over these baby spider pictures (and I say baby spiders loosely because when I think of babies, I think of cute and cuddley. And these fuckers were not cute or cuddley), I look up and what do I see? You got it, my arch enemy (Dun dun daaaa), the asshole spider. It’s crawling all up my wall like he owns the place. Ha. You’d better rethink that dickwad because your day is done. I’m feeling all tough and macho now (shut it Karen, I did not scream or whine, well maybe a bit) and slowly get up off of my computer chair and go retrieve the broom. I outstretch it so I’m at least the length of the broom away from it and smash that sucker to pieces. I fling it on the floor to look at my kill, ready to barf at any moment. Luckily for Karen, she did not have to hear me hurl. I kept my cookies in. *Insert applause here please*

I continued to be itchy for several hours thinking about what could have happened. That intruder could have gotten on me people. How sick would that have been? Oh by the way, I am super scared of spiders if you haven’t realized that yet. Just thought I’d tell you incase you were unsure. Is she or isn’t she? Well she is.

Well, my quiet freedom has ended as I finish this. My daughter is up, ready to start her day of torturing me playing. Have a wonderful, spider free, Saturday.

Posted by Sassy @ 10:11 amUncategorized15 comments  

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15 Responses to “Psssssssst…….over here.”

  1. You’re such a GIRL! LOL!

    The blog with the million baby spiders was http://cribceiling.blogspot.com


  2. no matter how curious I am…
    I will not checkout that blog.

    Thanks…but no thanks.

    Love your posts…

    I am from Calgary Too… ssshhh but don’t tell anyone. LOL

  3. I can’t bring myself to kill spiders. It makes me feel bad…LOL Anyway, that’s why I have cats. They actually enjoy eating spiders and other bugs off the walls. *shudder*

  4. Reading about the spider encounter has made my skin crawl!

  5. thi post was scary it had me lookin gover my walls and celing. i admit i did scroll down to the end to read that you did kill it before i could keep going. Im pretty in awe that you could kill it. I have three numbers in speed dial who live in my neighbourhood and are willing to come kill a spider for me, also I am diligently training my kids to enjoy hunting spiders. Backfired yesterday when four year old brought one in cus he had never seen a bigger one. dont worry hubs was home and he dispatched the thing .

  6. I am one of those people whom you would stare at in horrored bemusement as I regularly catch spiders with my bare hands and release them to the wild, going out of my way to protect them. Yes, one of those. Don’t worry; I’m not one of those preachy “you shouldn’t kill them” types. Hell, I figure there are billions of spiders and I don’t think killing several is going to alter the axis of Earth or anything like that, but, none the less, I don’t like to kill them myself.
    That being said….
    In my previous life of insanity (my first marriage) there arose an occasion late one evening. My wife had gone to take a shower a returned a few moments later with a horrified look on her face. There were a million spiders in the bathroom she claimed.
    “Uh huh” I replied
    “No really, one million” she exasperated, “first there was one and I tried to kill it unsuccessfully and it turned into millions” (now millions, as in more than one million)
    I stared at her somewhat nonplussed.
    So I go and look. Sure as shit there were spiders everywhere. Apparently the one spider she had tried to kill (a wolf spider, about the size of my palm) had been carrying an egg sack and under duress of eminent squishage had set free her brood. The ceiling above the tub and the walls adjacent held an ever expanding mass in infantile spiders.
    “KILL THEM!” She ordered from a distant room.
    My heart sank. I was able to save mom and a few of her children but there was nothing I could do for the rest.
    Out came the spray.
    It was almost surreal. As I sprayed them they began streaming from the ceiling like so many tiny para military troops coming down their tiny threads in an attempt to escape the chemical warfare now being waged on them.
    Few survived the efficiency of my onslaught.
    To this day that vision haunts me.
    What’s worst of all, she decided not to take a shower as she was too grossed out.
    I had slaughtered them for NOTHING.
    Never again.

    Thank you for dredging up these memories.

  7. Okay Ozy, well thank YOU for giving me a perma creepy skin crawling feeling, like forever. I read this to Karen, while we were on the phone and both of us were practically gagging. Thanks for that sweetie. LOL!
    Oh PS…Karen said, Ya thanks for reading it to me bitch. Feel the love all the way around. ;)

  8. Anything I can do to help, ya know. If you have need for your skin to crawl you now know whom to call.

  9. k, I’m super freaked of spiders too.

    But, I’ll tell you a really gross wolf spider story.

    I went on a trip to visit some friends once in Sask. We arrived at their door and I’m half paying attention half not the doorbell as I’m in the middle of a hilarious conversation with my buddy Ian.

    I’m talking with him as I reached out my finger to press the doorbell and as I’m talking I see Ian’s face go from a look of amusement to a sudden drop of expression and bugged out eyes of fear as he shouts “Oh my god, watch-” but it was too late.

    I had squished thru, with my right index finger, a wolf spider the size of my palm, that I hadn’t seen hovering by the door chime.

    Can you say panic attack?

    I went into full out hysterics!!!

    I still have a mini panic attack every time I think of it to this day.

    It crunched too. I’m pretty sure its last words were “WTF Bitch?”


  10. Gee Melie, thanks for sharing that. Like Ozy, you seem to insist on grossing me out with your endearing spider stories. Quit it. LOL! Muah!

  11. :) got soooo sentimental… helpless… warmed to step by…

    take care & beautiful day

  12. The first time I went to Girl Scout camp with my daughters (Father/Daughter weekend) the most amazing thing was the wolf spiders. They were big enough you could actually HEAR them running through the grass and leaves. Also, the blood-curdling scream was always a good indication that one of these suckers had parked itself in some girls tent!
    And Ozy, just for the record, wolf spiders (and i’m sure others) carry their entire brood on their backs when they travel so anytime something happens to mom, it really does look like she explodes into a million little spiders.

  13. Pusher~

    Spiders run??
    must be a bitch to find that many matching sneakers…

    ~*runs away laughing*~

  14. Pusher, I’m so glad you also shared your Wolf Spider story with me. Ozy’s story didn’t quite give me nightmares but you’ve taken care of that now. Muahahhaha. LOL!

  15. Eeeeek! Spiders really creep me out. I hate the really big ones that stay in your room for months. It’s also a sign of bad luck right? Good thing I finally got rid of the spidey in my room so now I can finally use my desktop pc chattin with hot guys from webdate_dot_com.

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