Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
Alien abduction? Maybe?

July 12, 2006

I believe I may have been abducted by aliens and perhaps some kind of ‘probe’ was performed. I’m not convinced it was an anal probe but something sure happened.

On Friday as I was being lazy busy, I ended up watching some cooking show on TLC. That, like, never happens. Cooking shows normally make me vomit up green ‘peasoup like’ stuff and my head spins. They’re just not my thing. Anyway, for some reason I’m totally enthralled by this show and can’t turn away. The chef is cooking something called Chicken Kiev. He’s making it look so easy. I can almost feel that proverbial light bulb going off on top of my noggin’, which when pertaining to cooking, is certainly not good.

On Saturday morning, as my husband and son are in the kitchen getting breakfast, I declare that ‘I’m cooking supper tonight’. They both look at me and say, ‘so’? No no no, you don’t understand, I’m not just going to whip out the box of Kraft Dinner, I’m going to try a new recipe! They both dive for cover, cringe and shriek, God NO! No, it will be good, I swear. I watched a cooking show…….’wait, you watched a cooking show? You?’, they both say at the same time. Yes I did as a matter of fact. And the guy making this recipe made it look sooo easy. I think I can do it.

My husband looks at me and says, ‘oh you mean like the meatloaf? Or the homemade mac & cheese? Or like the mushroom chicken? Ya, I think you should not attempt this. For all of our sakes’. For the good of mankind, step away from the ‘I’m trying something new’ mantra. Ha. Well I’m going to try it, I tell them and hopefully all will turn out. They both look very skeptically at me and I can see the doubt on their faces. Too bad, because I’m trying it anyway. I mean it did look so very easy on tv.

I head to the grocery store to get all of the ingredients I need and decide I will have everything ready around 5pm. So I figured I’d better start making it at around 3pm even though the guy on tv said it was an easy, quick recipe to make. I’d better prepare well in advance so I can make it turn out properly. I had to buy a mallet tenderizer thingie. I didn’t have one previously and now I was the proud owner of a shiny, metal handled meat pounder. Ah huh.

I get everything out that I need and begin. Here are the ingredients if you’re interested:

Chicken: boneless, skinless breasts
Wax paper
Bread crumbs

Okay, now my relaying of the recipe may not be cook book standard quality but here goes:

First you beat the chicken breasts. Beat the little bastards until they are flattened out and relatively thin. Now while you’re beating the meat (hahahha, I’m so mature), you’re supposed to be cooking the bacon and steaming the asparagus (like I have 8 freakin’ arms or something). Don’t over cook the bacon and only steam the asparagus for about 2 or 3 minutes max (bossy bossy).

Next, you take one of the breasts and lay it out and put a couple of sprigs (is that a word?) of asparagus on top of the breast and also a piece of bacon or two (I used one slice per breast but broke it in 2 pieces).

Next you take a little pat of butter and place it in there too. Now, you roll that sucker up and lay it on a plate or something. Do that for all of the breasts.

Okay, now you put some flour in a bowl. Then put some eggs in a bowl (crack them and you know, get the egg out of the shell and beat them), then put some bread crumbs in another bowl. Now on the show, the guy suggested making your own bread crumbs, but hello???????? Let’s not get crazy people.

So you take a breast that’s all wrapped up and dip it in the flour. Roll that sucker around. Then you take it and dip it in the egg, roll it around and finally roll it around in the bread crumbs. Place it on the baking sheet. The tv chef suggested putting a small pat of butter on the outside of each breast as well. Once you do that for all of them, you bake it for about 2o-25 minutes on about 350 degrees. See how easy that was?

Something magical happened. Are you listening? This is big news. Big. Because if you look at the picture below, you will see that by the grace of some miracle, I actually cooked it properly. It didn’t ooze anything it wasn’t supposed to, didn’t taste like shit, didn’t make my family get severe cramps and/or diarreah and I didn’t burn it. I say, if I may, job well done

Posted by Sassy @ 9:06 amUncategorized11 comments  

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11 Responses to “Alien abduction? Maybe?”

  1. YAY!! That looks wonderful! I’m glad it turned out, and more importantly, I’m glad you tried something new. Good for you honey!

    Also, I like your version of the recipe better than any friggin cookbook. Too funny.

  2. Congrats! I have to admit for a moment there while I was reading this I got skeered lmao!

  3. OMG! Is the world coming to an end? Has Hell frozen over? Tell me. Tell me.

  4. well done, sassy! a consider it a success when I make a meal and don’t have to rely on the smoke detector to let me know when it’s done!

  5. not only does it look nummy, I am diggin the plastic hot pink salad bowls

  6. so… are you saying I don’t have to cook for you when I come next week?


    Looks yummy hun!! Bravo!

  7. It’s not aliens. It’s the Borg.

    You might just be morphing into your mother.

    Worse yet, you’re morphing into HIS mother.

    Resistance is futile.


  8. LMAO! I love your way of describing the process. It looks so good, I’m just going to have to try it. I do have one question. What it that white stuff?

  9. Oh the white stuff is pototoes…they’re new potatoes (as opposed to old, shitty, rotten ones I guess), boil them, and just before they’re almost done, fry them up a bit in some butter and seasoning! My kids like them. They really really do.

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