Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
Just stuff.

July 21, 2006

I’m not sure why I do the things I do but sometimes I think I’m insane. Let me start at the beginning.

It’s heading into day 5 for me…..day 5 of a pounding migraine. It is, thankfully, starting to ease off a bit so I’m hoping when I wake up tomorrow, it’s completely gone. Fingers crossed.

My daughter woke in the night, last night, screaming bloody murder. The sound of her high pitched girlie screams damn near gave me a heart attack and let me just say, did not help my already booming head pain. I’m sure the neighbors thought we were killing someone.

She’s screaming and saying things like “I want my game pieces” (ummm okay) and “I hate everything on this planet”, “tell me where the game is and I’m bored”. This went on for an hour. Now obviously, she wasn’t fully awake because, 1. Those are weird things to just blurt out at 1am and B. She wouldn’t answer any of the questions I was asking, such as “hello? are you on crack”? And 4. Those are just weird things to say randomly at 1am. Did I mention it’s 1am? One AM as in that’s when people usually sleep. Sleep. She finally settled down and I slowly drifted back to dreamland. However, within minutes, she was screaming, once again giving me severe heart palpatations that felt like my organ was going to fly out of my chest. Okay what’s the deal kid?

She finally tells me that her head hurts (she gets migraines too) and that her ears hurt. I think because she’s been taking swim lessons for 3 weeks, she may have some water in her ears. I get up and give her some Tylenol and she informs me she wants to sleep on the couch but doesn’t want to sleep in the livingroom alone, so I have to get her settled before I can sneak off to my room and in my bed. Let’s fast forward to around 5am. I drift back to sleep only to wake again before 7am and realize I have to get up and can’t sleep in. I putter around in my fog, my head still pounding and feeling slightly nausous because I’ve had to pop pills to keep my head from completely exploding.

Miss wakes around 8am and says she’s feeling better but that her ears still hurt. She decided she wanted to go to swimming lessons but we would stop at the dr’s office afterwards to get her ears checked. Swimming goes fine and she’s again complaining about her ears. We get to the clinic and wait a bit but then Nurse Nancypants says that they can’t fit us in this morning afterall but that we can come back later. Great. We get back home and then Maddy turns into Miss GrumpsAlot and no matter what I say or do, it’s wrong. I’m breathing wrong. I’m not blinking the right way. I can’t pour her water fast enough. I’m not dancing on my head the proper way. Nothing was right.

I get her situated on the couch and am hoping she’ll fall asleep for a bit. Ya right. Anyway, I do some housework, pop more pills, do a bit of laundry, dunk head in toilet, drink some whiskey water and get ready to go out. I have to go to the bank and the grocery store and I have to take them.

I pray that things will go smoothly but I’m not sure why I waste my time doing that. I’m still trying to figure that one out. We arrive at the bank and I warn them that I will call the old lady that lives down the street that eats little children and they will go and visit her if I catch them doing anything that involves swinging from the light fixtures or harrassing the bank staff. Thankfully the bank wasn’t busy and they both sat quietly. Ryan sat in the customer waiting area reading the brochures and Miss sat at the little table and colored. I do my banking and come over and thank them for not embarrassing me or causing damage over $100. I look down to see Maddy’s coloring in the Precious Moments coloring book and well, what a precious sentence has been written in the book. On the page beside the page that my child was coloring, It read: EAT MY VAGINA. Ummm okay, now, who in their right mind writes that in a child’s book? At a bank? I casually rip it out of the book and take it to the teller and say that I’m pretty sure that this isn’t really appropriate for a Precious Moments coloring book. Or any coloring book for that matter. She readily agrees and thanks me. Of course Miss Noseypants wants to know why I ripped that page out and I told her because it was so beautiful that I thought the bank lady should have it. She says, “Oh I thought it was because it said EAT MY VAGINA. Mom why would someone write that? You don’t eat vaginas. That’s gross”. Ah huh. *Reminder to self…your 5 1/2 year old can read*

Next, on to the grocery store. My heart is starting to beat faster, I’m sweating and I have a feeling of dread. We usually can’t make it out of the store without some kind of scene or fiasco or some kind of vandalism. We shop around and after about 25 minutes, I’m happily relieved that nothing has happened. No broken candles, no spilled jar of pickles, no strewn birthday ribbons, nothing. We pay for our purchases and decide to go outside to their clearance area. They have racks of clothing on sale, garden items, shoes, books, just a mish mash of things. As I’m peeking through the clothing racks, I see Ryan off to my right looking at really big butterfly nets. There’s about 50 of them leaning against the wall. Well in the next, oh 20 seconds, I hear a crash and then I see Ryan looking at me, shrugging his shoulders as all 50 nets, fall everywhere because Mr B had decided he wanted to see one. And of course he chose one that is kinda in the middle and that sets off the domino effect. The two cashiers look over at the mess, then look at me. I say, “geez, where’s your mother”? and walk off into the clothing racks, hiding. I work my way to the front, pay for a couple of items and call for my offspring to follow me.

I get home and basically decide that I’m going to become a hermit and not go out. Like ever. Well maybe for bread or something. Happy Friday.

Posted by Sassy @ 12:24 amUncategorized4 comments  

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4 Responses to “Just stuff.”

  1. Sassy, between your migraine and the edible vagina you must be dreaming of running away to a dark and quiet place, but thanks for entertaining the rest of us. I’m just glad I wasn’t eating or drinking anything while reading your post b/c I might not have been around to write this comment. (Does a self-administered Heimlich really work?)

  2. Whoat would a day out be
    without a catastrophy?
    Is it true that I can eat
    A vigina?
    That’s neat.
    I wonder what my wife will say
    When I tell her what I learned today…

    Ya know, my brain used to hurt allot
    So I had it removed
    Now I keep it in a pot

    T.G.I. muthaf’n Friday

  3. Oh I’m dying here – well you know that since we’re on the phone…….oh my gawd….fuck, she is funny as all hell.

  4. A day in the life of Sassy is wonderful to read, cause it makes me realize that my universe isn’t as tilted as I think..we both have such entertaining lives! From Canada to Mississippi..children rock our worlds..in a good way, after we are fitted for our straight jackets and given the proper meds!

    Hey, I had valium Tuesday for my dental stuff..very relaxing..and made my afternoon a little more calm, while the kid talked for 12 hours non-stop!

    Ok, what is the name of the book you are writing..your stories kill me! Ya got to think of a cool title! I will be first to buy it! Just add some “glitter & pink” to cover!


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