Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
5:55pm August 19th.

August 18, 2006

It was a hot August day and I was on my way to the doctor’s office. My back hurt, my legs hurt, my whole body was screaming at me to either a) have this baby inside of me or b) have this baby inside of me. So that was my goal, to convince my doctor that he had to remove her.

I arrive at around 3pm and am shown into the room where they weigh you, take your blood pressure and give you a teeeeeeeeny tiny cup to pee in. Like that’s an easy chore for someone who is 22 9 months pregnant.

Finally I’m shuffled into the doctor’s office to wait for him and I’m all ready with my ‘speech’. This is where I’m going to tell him all the reasons why I need to have this FOURTH child like 2 weeks ago now and I’m going to do it in a calm, collected voice and be sensible. Doc walks in, asks me how I’m doing and I immediately start blubbering about my legs, my back, my head, my ass and I’m thinking I’m making perfect sense but all he heard was, ‘I, my back, not, waaaaaaaaaaaaaa’. It wasn’t pretty. In fact, it was down right pathetic. I did the ‘uglay cry’ as Oprah would say.
He gets me some tissue and helps me up onto the table so he can measure my belly and check me. I’m asking him why he needs to do that because I’m not leaving this room until he pulls that baby girl out. I can see I’m scaring him and he wants to call security but I’m sure in his 20 plus years as an oby/gn, he’s seen other crazy loon balls pregnant women kinda come unglued.

I stop crying and then begin my begging. I need to have this baby now. Today. Right here. He lets me babble on and when I’m done acting less immature than the child I’m housing in my uterous, he calmly tells me that he will certainly let me have this baby by being induced. Praise the Lord, music to my ears. He tells me to call the hospital in the morning and see if they can fit me in. Oh you better believe I’m going to make them fit me in. You just wait and see bucko.

Scratch that. I wake up at 7:00am on the 18th and practically run for the phone, calling the materinity ward and begging them to take me in.

Oh darlin’, I’m sorry we’re booked up today.

But it’s my due date. I’ve never had a child on my actual due date before. Wouldn’t you like to make my dream come true?

Absolutely I would, but it’s just not possible.

But can’t you send one of the other moms to be home? I mean this is my due date day. So it’s all about me today.

*Laughter* No, I’m sorry sweetie, we can’t do that. She kinda whispers into the phone, I’d like to because there’s a really loud mom to be in room 1238 but that would be wrong. *More snickers*

I’m trying to see the humor in that statement and 6 years later, ya it’s funny that the nurse was snickering about the loud bitch in room 1238 but at that moment in time, I’m not laughing. I’m trying to convince her that I would totally support her throwing out loud mouth mama and putting me in room 1238. But she’s not biting.

You call back in the morning okay? And hopefully there’ll be a room for you.

Ya, well I’m going jogging today, all day, in the muggy heat of the east and I’m gonna make myself go into labour and then you’ll have to take me and kick out big yapped Bertha in room 1238.

Okay dear. Have a great day!

I did end up going back to bed all day going jogging for 10 hours in the heat but still no baby.

I wake up on the 19th and again waddle run for the phone. I’m nervously listening to the rings and crossing my fingers that the loud one has had her spawn and is now gone and the room is free.

Nurse picks up on the 7th ring.

Hi, I called yesterday and I wanted to come in to have my baby but some big mouth was in room 1238 so I couldn’t but please tell me she’s gone today and that the room is empty and I can come in and have my baby because I’ve been pregnant for 39 months and this is my 27th child and I need to have her now. Today. Now.

Hold on a moment please.

She’s probably calling the psych ward.

Hi, I’m sorry honey, we’re still booked up. Two more ladies came in during the night. Can you call us back tomorrow?

No, I can’t because my phone will be out of order, so I really should come in today so that I can have my baby. ‘Cause, ummm, ya, my phone won’t work tomorrow.
*Pause* I’m really sorry, I know you’re anxious, I can clearly hear it in your voice but we’re just swamped here today.

Okay. Big sigh. Thanks anyway.

I waddle back down the hall to my bedroom and crawl back into bed. I was too tired to even cry about it anymore.

About an hour later, as I’m laying there, in a half dream like state, I see my husband standing over me and he’s holding something. It’s pink. Oh shit, I had the baby and I didn’t even know it. Nice freakin’ mother I am. No wait, even though she’s a girl, she’s not going to come out being totally pink. Like a hot pink. Kinda metallic pink. He’s telling me it’s for me.

What? What’s for me? I had the baby? Why is she metallic pink?

Huh? The phone, it’s for you. *rolls his eyes*

Oh the phone! He’s holding the phone not the baby. Geez.


Hi, can you come in? We sent one of the moms home since she was having false labour pains.

What? Come in now? Like today? Now? I bolt up and my heart starts racing. Is this a joke?

No dear, it’s for real. Get ready and come on in.

I hang up the phone and start hollering incoherant shit. My husband comes back into the room figuring I’m dropping this baby right here on our white carpet.

What’s wrong?

Nothing! They want me to go in now!

We get ready and he drops me off and heads back home to stay with our 3 sons. The nurse had told me it would take a bit of time to fill out the paper work and they wouldn’t start to induce me until later in the day, so hubby had lots of time to find a sitter for our boys and then head in.

They get me settled in a room, hook me up to the monitors, help me fill out paperwork and then let me know that they’ll start inducing me sometime after lunch. I call my husband and he arrives shortly after 12pm. Nurse comes in around 1pm and she gets me all comfy and begins the process. She tells me that since this is my fourth pregnancy, that they have to do things slowly because they don’t want the baby to come too fast. Why the hell not? She’s been baking in there for 9 freakin’ months, she’s done I’m tellin’ ya.

As I’m watching the iv drip drip drip, I’m thinking this is going to take hours and hours. Like 89 hours or some stupid number. My husband is sitting comfortably in a chair reading a magazine.

How can you just sit there?

You’re just laying there.

I’m hooked up to iv’s and monitor’s. What else can I do?

And what else should I be doing?

I don’t know. Punching yourself in the face for putting me in this position.

Ummm I’m pretty sure you wanted to have another baby.


Nurse comes in to check on me and asks if I want an epidural? No I don’t because I’ve never had one before because I’m a paranoid worrywart and if I had one, I’d be that 1% of women that may become paralyzed from having an epidural so I’m skipping it. What else you got? I’m pretty sure she rolled her eyes.

She gets me some drug that I had when I gave birth to Ryan, which for the most part didn’t make me barf and took the edge off of the contractions, which at this point, were quite frankly becoming annoying and painful. She gives me the shot, basically in the ass and within a half hour, I’m floating on cloud nine.

You look pretty.


My husband looks up from his Flair magazine and makes a face. Not the best reading material in the hospital.

I said you’re pretty.

I’m pretty? Guys aren’t usually pretty. But thanks I guess?

I like clouds.

I think that needle she stuck in your ass has made you high.

I don’t think there are any elepants in the room. I love you handsome guy.

Now I’m handsome? I think I liked pretty better.

I have to push.


Yes. As in push this watermelon out. You know, the one you implanted in me when your penis went in my va-jay-jay. So I’d appreciate it if you go get the nurse. Now.
The nurse was just here and she said it would take hours.

Well listen, you had better get the nurse now because my head is going to start spinning and green slime is going to spew from my lips and I’m going to get it on you. On purpose. So ruuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn.

Hubby sprints the 2 feet to the door, runs into the hall and tells the nurse that I have to push. Nurse comes in and tells me that I’m surely wrong, that there’s no way I have to push this soon. My contractions had started full force around 4pm and only been going for about an hour or so.

No I’m sure I have to push. I’ve done this before. A few times. I know I’m right.
Oh dear, I’ll check you but I doubt you’re 10 cm dialated yet.

Ya, well I have to push. Like 5 minutes ago.

Hold on.

She checks me. Goes something like this:

Oh well now, you are 10 cm!

Oh? I had no idea. Oh wait, yes, I’m pretty sure I just mentioned something like that.
Let me get the other nurse and call the doctor.

No I don’t think I can wait.

It will just be a moment.

Now ‘a moment’ isn’t just a moment when you’re about ready to explode in your private area and spit out a giant freakin’ cantalope. There’s no waiting around. You either start to push or your head blows off. Or you start shootin’ the place up. Or you kick clowns in the face.

Nurse Know it all, comes back with sweet, friendly nurse and they get everything all set up. The little bed, blankets, all the do-dads that are required when giving birth. I’m nervous now and decided that I was too tired to push.

I’m not going to do this right now. I think I’ll just go home.

Okay sweetie, you know the drill. Tuck your chin down to your chest and push. Push like you’re going to have a poo.

Listen, that’s not happening. Why must they tell us that? Push like you’re going to poo? I mean really. There must be some other reference they could use. Push like you have a monkey in yer ass and it really needs to come out and get some air. Something. Anything is better than ‘push like you’re going to have a poo’. I just know it.

As my body is screaming at me to push this freakin’ bowling ball out, I’m mentally deciding that I really need to go home and sleep. I just can’t do this today. I know, I know, I begged for them to take her out but now I was getting panicky and wanting to go home and nap all day instead.

Come on hun, you have to push on your contraction.

I know. I’m thinking about it.

Then there was no more thinking about it, I was pushing. I had done this only 14 months before when my daughter Angela was born and died. I was starting to have flashbacks and although everything in this pregnancy was pretty much text book, I was getting scared. What if something was wrong? What if she was born dead? I knew I was being sort of irrational but at the same time, I was human and couldn’t stop myself.

I pushed for a total of about 15 minutes, which is nothing in the ‘having a baby and pushing’ world. She arrived at 5:55pm. I turned my head slightly after I had pushed her out and my husband had a strange look on his face. And then I realized, I didn’t hear my daughter crying. I’m in and out of reality because they had given me a second shot for pain just before I started pushing and it was now finally taking effect and I was floating in a little dream like state. But I was coherent enough to realize that something was wrong. They took her over to the table and as they were looking her over, she started to cry.

It gave me chills.

I never got to hear my first daughter cry. So those loud set of pipes on Madison were the sweetest music to my doped up ears.

They weighed and measured her and then wrapped her up and gently handed her over to me. I was really out of it at this point but did have enough brain power to realize she wasn’t like a bag of potatoes that I could just drop off of the bed. I held her tight until they said I had to let them take her and clean her up. I made them promise me that I would get her back. Nurse Know it all patted my arm and said of course (I think she wanted to wheel me up to the ’4th floor’ if you know what I mean).

Sweet nurse took me to the showers to help me get cleaned up and shortly after I was in my room waiting for them to bring me Madison. Nurse Know it all brought her in about an hour later and I got to feed her and hold her and stare at her. When my after care nurse came in, she was all smiles.

I bet you’re shocked when you open her diaper and she’s got girl parts.

I laughed.

Oh you’d better believe it. After 3 boys, it’s quite a shock. When I changed her the first time, I almost hollered for a nurse to tell them my son was missing his penis.

She laughed.

Enjoy her. I bet she’ll be spoiled with all of those big brothers. I smiled.

I will. And I bet you’re right. She smiled.

Madison Abigail Emma came home with us on August 20th, less than 24 hours after she was born. It was bitter sweet, but mostly sweet. I was so thankful that she came into this world and got to stay with us. Part of me, was a little sad though, that Angela didn’t get to come home all wrapped in pink cuddly blankets and get to do all of her ‘firsts’ or get spoiled by her big brothers. And I know in my heart, that Angela wasn’t meant for this world, that she had other things to do and that’s why she couldn’t stay. But my first baby girl helped pave the way for Maddy to exist and thrive and grow and get spoiled and for that, I’m forever grateful.

Happy 6th Birthday Madison!

Posted by Sassy @ 3:32 pmUncategorized8 comments  

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8 Responses to “5:55pm August 19th.”

  1. You’ve got me crying, and laughing….

    What a beautiful post Sassy. Happy Birthday to your little miracle baby! Give Maddy a big hug and kiss from me, and tell A to give her $100 and I’ll totally pay him back.

    (not really, but see how it goes, k?)

  2. Awww thank you! To anyone else who reads it, I apologize if it looks like a giant run on paragraph but Blogger would just not let me format anything. I tried for FOUR hours and no luck. So if I make you blind by reading, I’m so sorry.

  3. Thank you so much Sassy! I’m sitting here like a blubbering idiot.

    My girlfriend lost her (5 month old) twin boys a couple days ago and had to deliver them last night. I feel like this post was written for her. Thank you for sharing your pain for your first daughter and your joy for your second.
    I hope my girlfriend can do the same.

  4. Beautiful words…
    Beautiful pictures…
    Beautiful post…

  5. Great story and as usual told with that “Sassy” humor. Happy Birthday Maddy! I hope you feel better today too!

  6. I have tears in my eyes—I do. Because the love affair between mother and daughter is so intense. Right now, as I have been watching my soon to be 1 year old suck her top lip inside her mouth to cushion the incoming fangs, I realize that this is something that I’ll only witness once. From the first breath to the first, and subsequent birthdays, there are surely miracles every day! Lots of love to the birthday princess. Where did 6 years go? Ask Mum!

  7. Aww! Hope Madison’s birthday was fantastic! 6 years old is a big age! :D

  8. beautiful story, tears and laughter it invoked….Happy Birthday Maddy!

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