Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
I guess.

September 14, 2006

I don’t know what made me think of this scenerio today, just out of the blue but I decided to write about it. Not that it’s particularly interesting or most likely won’t make you bust a gut, but it might be slightly entertaining and I just wanted to relive it for the hell of it.

I worked for my father at a paint/wallpaper chain back in the late 80′s, early 90′s. I dealt with the public day in, day out. Most people were nice and had manners. And brains. Some did not.

Hi, what can I get for you today? Standing at the front counter, looking across at the paint section.

I dunno. Ooooookay.

Are you looking for paint today?

I guess. You don’t know? You walk into a paint and wallpaper shop and you’re not sure of what you want? Moron.

Okay, what are you painting?

I guess. I guess you’re an idiot, braindead fartsucker.

Are you needing interior or exterior paint?


Okay, which one? I give a slight chuckle. What I really wanted to do was hurt him badly with the ceiling paint that was on sale for $10.99.

So you’re painting your….?

I guess I’ll paint my bathroom. Who ‘guesses’ they’ll paint their bathroom? Is that something you do on a whim while picking your nose, walking down Main St?

Okay, do you have any colors in mind? How big is your bathroom?

No. It’s just like pulling teeth. Really big, ugly, rotten teeth.

How big is your bathroom? Let’s try this again shall we?

It’s medium. Medium? Medium? Someone please bring me dat broom over in da corner ’cause I’m ’bout to pop a cap in this guy’s ass….well at least shove a broomstick up it.

Is it 10×10? Bigger? Smaller?

I suppose.

Okay it’s bigger than 10×10? Throw me a frickin’ bone here.

I guess. Boy you’re sure a real talker. A friggin’ charmer you are. I bet the women are all over you.

So let’s say it’s 150 square feet or so? Does that sound about right?


Okay! Now we’re getting somewhere.

What color is your bathroom now?


Okay, so you’re probably looking for something with a bit of color. You probably don’t want to go too dark. How about a mushroom or taupe and then you could accent it with darker colors with your accessories and such?

No. I want green.

Okay, sure. I’ll get you a color chart and you can pick a shade of green that you think you’d like.

After about 20 minutes of him staring at the color chart like a freakin’ frozen turd, he chooses a light shade of sage green. I compliment him on his choice and ask what finish he’d like.

Now for a bathroom that will have some humidity and moisture from showers etc, I’d recommend an eggshell or semi-gloss, depending on how much shine you want.


Yes, eggshell is a finish. Much like the texture of an egg. It has a slight sheen, and it’s very durable for washing walls etc.

But I chose green.

Right. Eggshell is the finish of the paint. It doesn’t refer to the color. The paint starts out pure white and I have to tint it to the color you chose.

I don’t like shiney paint. I don’t want shiney at all. Boy, I bet this is the most fucktard has spoken all week. He sure gets his panties all in a big bunch over shiney.

So that eliminates the semi-gloss then, since that’s got quite a bit of a sheen to it. And you don’t want flat paint in your bathroom, since it’s not very washable and can’t really stand up to the moisture. So as I previously mentioned, I think the eggshell finish would be perfect.

I don’t want beige paint.

It’s not beige sir. It’s white. I’m going to make it green for you. Eggshell is the finish, the sheen of the paint. It’s not beige at all.

You’re trying to sell me ugly beige paint.

No, I assure you I’m not. I’m trying to recommend the best possible finish for you so you’ll be happy with the choice of paint and color. Can you see me rolling my eyes?

I hate beige.

Me too. This guy is a shit for brains ass monkey.

I don’t like shiney paint.

Right. I agree, I don’t much like it either. So that’s why I’m suggesting eggshell finish. It’s not very shiney but washes nice and is just as durable as semi-gloss. And it’s white. But I’ll make it green for you.

I’ve changed my mind.

Pardon? You don’t want green now?


Okay, what color would you like? I can help you choose a nice color.

No. I don’t want to paint my bathroom. You’re trying to sell me ugly beige paint. I don’t like eggs.

Sir, eggshell isn’t beige, I promise. It’s just the texture, finish of the paint. It’s got a slight shine to it and very washable but not really shiney like semi-gloss. And I can make it the nice green you picked out. Holy repeat myself.

No I refuse to buy it.

And with that, he turned on his heel. I, scratched my head and then did what any normal person would do. Ran to the back room, grabbed the broom and followed him into the parking lot and gave him an enema.

Happy decorating!

Posted by Sassy @ 8:17 pmUncategorized10 comments  

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10 Responses to “I guess.”

  1. Probably good you didn’t sell him the paint. I don’t think sitting in a small enclosed room sucking paint fumes into his lungs would have helped much…well, then again…maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference!

  2. oh my do you attract the goofs? lol

  3. You and the general public go together like oil and water… your fine as long as no one tries mixing the two.

  4. hahahahaaaaa
    I love the enema part!

    You can tell its boiling down to my last day of work…
    last night I actually said “Oh my god..” to a table when their stupidity was overwhelming.

    oops. Surprisingly they still left me a $5 tip. haha
    I heart dumb people.

    So, Sassy… wanna help me pick out some paint?
    but I dont like beige or eggs k?

  5. hahahahaaaaa
    I love the enema part!

    You can tell its boiling down to my last day of work…
    last night I actually said “Oh my god..” to a table when their stupidity was overwhelming.

    oops. Surprisingly they still left me a $5 tip. haha
    I heart dumb people.

    So, Sassy… wanna help me pick out some paint?
    but I dont like beige or eggs k?

  6. Well Missy, it did make me laugh and out loud, but I think I had that same customer in my beauty shop once, I was not sad to see the door hit him in the ass either! Thanks for a morning laugh!

  7. You think that’s fun? Try explaining that you can’t scan the tiles because they come in a pack of forty to people who can’t speak English.

  8. ROFL! Hey, can I get some paint? Bwaaahahahaha!

  9. see and I had always wondered about the finish names, eggshell, gloss ect…. wtf is “kitchen and bath” paint? a brand name? a finish?

  10. Sounds like my Dad. I’m sorry he bothered you…

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