Archive for September, 2006

September 14, 2006

I don’t know what made me think of this scenerio today, just out of the blue but I decided to write about it. Not that it’s particularly interesting or most likely won’t make you bust a gut, but it might be slightly entertaining and I just wanted to relive it for the hell of it.

I worked for my father at a paint/wallpaper chain back in the late 80′s, early 90′s. I dealt with the public day in, day out. Most people were nice and had manners. And brains. Some did not.

Hi, what can I get for you today? Standing at the front counter, looking across at the paint section.

I dunno. Ooooookay.

Are you looking for paint today?

I guess. You don’t know? You walk into a paint and wallpaper shop and you’re not sure of what you want? Moron.

Okay, what are you painting?

I guess. I guess you’re an idiot, braindead fartsucker.

Are you needing interior or exterior paint?

Yes.

Okay, which one? I give a slight chuckle. What I really wanted to do was hurt him badly with the ceiling paint that was on sale for $10.99.

So you’re painting your….?

I guess I’ll paint my bathroom. Who ‘guesses’ they’ll paint their bathroom? Is that something you do on a whim while picking your nose, walking down Main St?

Okay, do you have any colors in mind? How big is your bathroom?

No. It’s just like pulling teeth. Really big, ugly, rotten teeth.

How big is your bathroom? Let’s try this again shall we?

It’s medium. Medium? Medium? Someone please bring me dat broom over in da corner ’cause I’m ’bout to pop a cap in this guy’s ass….well at least shove a broomstick up it.

Is it 10×10? Bigger? Smaller?

I suppose.

Okay it’s bigger than 10×10? Throw me a frickin’ bone here.

I guess. Boy you’re sure a real talker. A friggin’ charmer you are. I bet the women are all over you.

So let’s say it’s 150 square feet or so? Does that sound about right?

Sure.

Okay! Now we’re getting somewhere.

What color is your bathroom now?

White.

Okay, so you’re probably looking for something with a bit of color. You probably don’t want to go too dark. How about a mushroom or taupe and then you could accent it with darker colors with your accessories and such?

No. I want green.

Okay, sure. I’ll get you a color chart and you can pick a shade of green that you think you’d like.

After about 20 minutes of him staring at the color chart like a freakin’ frozen turd, he chooses a light shade of sage green. I compliment him on his choice and ask what finish he’d like.

Now for a bathroom that will have some humidity and moisture from showers etc, I’d recommend an eggshell or semi-gloss, depending on how much shine you want.

Eggshell?

Yes, eggshell is a finish. Much like the texture of an egg. It has a slight sheen, and it’s very durable for washing walls etc.

But I chose green.

Right. Eggshell is the finish of the paint. It doesn’t refer to the color. The paint starts out pure white and I have to tint it to the color you chose.

I don’t like shiney paint. I don’t want shiney at all. Boy, I bet this is the most fucktard has spoken all week. He sure gets his panties all in a big bunch over shiney.

So that eliminates the semi-gloss then, since that’s got quite a bit of a sheen to it. And you don’t want flat paint in your bathroom, since it’s not very washable and can’t really stand up to the moisture. So as I previously mentioned, I think the eggshell finish would be perfect.

I don’t want beige paint.

It’s not beige sir. It’s white. I’m going to make it green for you. Eggshell is the finish, the sheen of the paint. It’s not beige at all.

You’re trying to sell me ugly beige paint.

No, I assure you I’m not. I’m trying to recommend the best possible finish for you so you’ll be happy with the choice of paint and color. Can you see me rolling my eyes?

I hate beige.

Me too. This guy is a shit for brains ass monkey.

I don’t like shiney paint.

Right. I agree, I don’t much like it either. So that’s why I’m suggesting eggshell finish. It’s not very shiney but washes nice and is just as durable as semi-gloss. And it’s white. But I’ll make it green for you.

I’ve changed my mind.

Pardon? You don’t want green now?

No.

Okay, what color would you like? I can help you choose a nice color.

No. I don’t want to paint my bathroom. You’re trying to sell me ugly beige paint. I don’t like eggs.

Sir, eggshell isn’t beige, I promise. It’s just the texture, finish of the paint. It’s got a slight shine to it and very washable but not really shiney like semi-gloss. And I can make it the nice green you picked out. Holy repeat myself.

No I refuse to buy it.

And with that, he turned on his heel. I, scratched my head and then did what any normal person would do. Ran to the back room, grabbed the broom and followed him into the parking lot and gave him an enema.

Happy decorating!

Posted by Sassy @ 8:17 pm • Uncategorized • 10 comments

September 10, 2006

See those letters? They spell a really cool word don’t they? They’re adorable magnets that my friend Mel bought for me, for letting her use my bathroom and eat my food and stuff. How sweet was that? She was going to get me enough letters to spell ‘You’re a bizatch and even though your hair is pretty, you can’t cook’ but she didn’t have enough money. Plus she said I wasn’t really worth it. It really is the thought that counts. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

She arrived at my house on Thursday afternoon and although we’ve known each other for going on 4 years, we’d never met in person. Freaky right? Well, okay not as freaky as when you get an anal probe from an alien, ’cause that’s a kind of freaky that noone wants to experience. But freaky like, I just saw my boyfriend from grade 2 and he’s bald. That kind of freaky. Like fun and wild kinda freaky. I swear it was like we’d known each other for a long time. Yes, 4 years is a long time but I mean, like 17 years long time. Well maybe not 17 years because she’d still be in diapers and since I’m old and shit, I’d still be old, but you know what I mean. It was easy is all I’m trying to say. Gosh, must I ‘splain everything?

Anyway, we’ve been having a wonderful visit and I’m pretty sure she thinks so too unless she’s making flight plans while she’s in my room and hoping to make a fast getaway tomorrow and is going to ‘conveniently lose my phone number’ and block me from messenger and tell all her friends to avoid anyone with the name ‘Sassy’. I don’t think so though. However, I’m not sure really, why she told me that her phone number changed to 555-5555 and that I should update my speed dial. I’ll ask her in the morning.

We took our kids to Calaway Park today and spent the day watching our offspring spin, glide, swing, run, laugh, eat cotton candy, burp and giggle. Noone barfed, which in my opinion is a good thing. The kids were all pretty well behaved, however, I can’t say the same for Mel and I. Was punching that annoying guy dressed in a bunny suit, in the ass a bad thing? You be the judge.

We had fun going on the slower than death train ride, which had seats so low that Mel and I had to have a crane lift us out. We all did a big woot woot afterwards, to which we got ‘looks’ from bystanders. Or maybe it was because Matt was naked except for flipflops and a motorcycle helmet. I can’t be sure. They were whispering to one another, who are the freaks from freaksville? Ya, well, what can I say? We like to get our freakin’ freak on at the kid amusement park. We’re rebels don’t ya know? It was either holler out woo hoo’s or try to find a bar and get wasted. I’m pretty sure they don’t have a pub there for half insane moms who are just about ready for the looney bin because they’d been on the merry-go-round 8000 times.

All in all, it was a fun day though and we came back here and pigged out on pizza, hotdogs and salad. We finally got our children to bed and then sat around and ~~got drunk~~ knitted scarves for the old folks at Shady Meadows. Na, I’m kidding. We didn’t get drunk or knit scarves for any old people. We just made fun of them.

Anyway, I’ve had a great time visiting with Mel and her kiddos, glad that we finally got to meet in person and hopefully we’ll be hanging out more in the future. Which, I’m sure we will be since she gave me her new phone number. I should go program that into my phone now, 555-5555……………;)

Posted by Sassy @ 3:01 am • Uncategorized • 3 comments

Archive for September, 2006

September 14, 2006

September 10, 2006

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