Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
I really should stay home.

October 5, 2006

I don’t know what it is with me and the grocery store but for some reason, the cashiers are either obnoxious or dumb or my kids act like zoo animals and really should be tied up or I make an ass out of myself. Let’s go with the latter.

I had to pick up a couple of things so I headed to the grocery store, with the intention of getting a handful of items, not really planning to make a complete and utter moron of myself. As I’m in the produce section, I look up from choosing just the right bag of radish and low and behold, Brad freakin’ Pitt is standing there. Okay, so it wasn’t really Brad Pitt but man oh man, it sure looked like him.

I was all googly eyed and flustered, like he was paying attention to me, and he was going to leave Angelina Jolie and their 18 kids. I grabbed whatever the hell bag of radish was closest and decided to follow Mr P. I’m sure I looked like a desperate freak, but I didn’t care. I noticed others staring at this guy too. So, obviously, I’m not the only retarded asshat chick checking this speciman out.

I lost Mr P somewhere between the bread and the frozen goods. Damn.

I decided to just forget about him and get back to the chore at hand. I’m browsing down an aisle, seeing if there’s some new flavor of salad dressing available and I look up and there he is again. I let go of my cart and pick up a jar of pickles, ’cause that’s hot and make eye contact with him. He smiles at me. He walks past and I decided mama is gonna take a second look and that was a really bad idea. As I’m slowly walking ahead, my neck and head slightly turned to look at Brad Pitt man speciman, I don’t notice the big freaking metal pole/support beam thing that is looming in my immediate future. As I’m smiling, looking at Mr Pitt and he rounds the corner, I turn to look ahead and I make contact with said big freaking metal pole. With. my. forehead.

The sad part? The aisle was not empty. I’m pretty sure I see stars and not just ones that look like Brad Pitt. An older lady asks me if I’m okay. “Sure, sure. I’m fine,” I stutter. I quickly go back to my cart and ditch the pickle jar and walk away with my big, giant sack of humilation.

As I’m regaining abso-freakin-lutely no sense of sanity at all some sense of sanity again, I decided I wasn’t quite done with being an ass, and head on over to the women’s clothing section, because that’s where Brad Pitt look-a-likes browse. I’m scanning the racks of pants and shirts, my head swivelling from side to side to get just one more glance at this guy because I’m obviously not on enough damn medication not on medication and want to be greedy and just get that one last look.

I’m pushing the cart, looking, searching, scanning, then, BAM! I turn straight ahead to see what I’ve bumped into. Please, please let it be a clothing rack. Standing on 2 legs. Wearing jeans. Looking hot. Oh.My.God. I’ve just ran into Brad Pitt’s legs. He turns around and smiles and I turn redder than the walls in the hubs of hell and am asking if the devil himself could come snatch me for the day because it would be less uncomfortable than this moment.

BP man looks at me with frightened eyes sympathy and asks if I’m okay? No. Clearly I’m insane and you must see it, along with my giant black/brown/purple/red/blue bruise on my forehead. I open my mouth to apologize and some kind of squeak came out, can’t say for certain if it was an intelligible ‘I’m so sorry’ or not but at that point, I honestly didn’t care. I just wanted to run for the pharmacy to get lots of medication hills and go drown my embarrassment in a big ass bottle of booze milk.

I think I might hire a personal shopper for getting my groceries – except I’m not rich and probably can’t afford a personal shopper.

I’m fairly certain security at the grocery store thought I was an escaped mental patient.

If you look below, you’ll see a lovely picture of my head. My husband took my camera today but lucky for you, I have a cell phone that captures pictures. Fan-freakin-tastic. And how was your day?

Posted by Sassy @ 4:51 pmUncategorized18 comments  

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18 Responses to “I really should stay home.”

  1. OMG!!
    You poor thing….Did you at least get his autograph????? LMAO

  2. omg did you EVER hit HARD
    i really think that to judge properly if youa re insane or not we need a photo of the look a like. please hightail it back to the grocery store and snap one please

    maybe wear a helmet this time tho!

  3. oh my goodness LOL I have not laughed as hard today till I read this!! Something that I would probally have done though….hugs and hope your head feels better soon!

  4. Jesus woman! Way to go! I hope you bought yourself a frozen bag of peas while you were there! Hope you’re alright darlin’….
    Love Karen

  5. OK I really thought Sassy made this story up, but no there is the big ole’ briuse or is this just her cover-up story for bumping into some pole hmmmmmm who really knows…..maybe she saw Brad Pitt AFTER she ran her freakin’ head into the pole.

  6. Heeeee…I vote for wearing a helmet. I hear they have add-on drool cups now, too. And they come in fashion colors. You could get one to match the bruise on your head. ha!

  7. OMG – TOTALLY sounds like something that would happen to me. I think you and I were separated at birth. Take care!

  8. I have a big ole’ headache to go with the big ole’ bruise! Gosh I sure feel like a winner……..or is it weiner…hahahahha

  9. OH WOW!!! Now if it was Angelina Jolie I could see me doing the same!!! hehehehe Hope your headache goes away.

  10. hey the first was your one year bloggaversary. Congratulations!

  11. Haaaa!!!!! Thank GOD I wasn’t drinking anything or I would have totally spewed it out my nose! Man! I bet that bruise had a big ol’ goose egg under it before it turned that lovely shade! You are all set for Halloween girl!

  12. I was pmsl until I saw the bruise. Shit a brick, it looks bad!

  13. It was worse looking in the pic, I think first because my cell phone is not that great of a camera..lol AND it had just happened and it was red and ugly. The bump is gone and the bruise is still there but it’s not as nasty looking. I bruise extremely easy but on the bright side, I heal very quickly too. My family still laughs at me, every time they see my head. Gosh, they’re loving.

  14. oh my GOD, this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG time! you poor thing!!

  15. I don’t see why you need a camera as there should be camera crews following you around filming this sitcom you call a life.

  16. omg I could totally picture your darling men laughing at you all the time. I’m feelin the love all the way over here..

    oh wait

    mwuahaha.. sorry I could only hold it in for so long!!
    but seriously, glad you’re ok.

  17. That’s hysterical! He must have been really hot for to embarrass yourself like that over catching glimpses of him lol.

  18. omg thats terrible! I hope your head is feeling better! Im glad to know Im not the only one who walks into things. I had a day full of them last week!

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