Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!

Archive for November, 2006

November 29, 2006

Port de la port.

While watching tv today, I saw a commercial for a ‘weight loss’ procedure, that quite frankly scared the shit out of me. It’s called the Crap-Band ‘Lap-Band’.

I was on the phone with Karen and I asked her if she’d ever heard of it. She hadn’t. We both then went to the website and seriously dude, it was scary and laughable all rolled into one happy ball of confusion. When you go to the home page, a lion roars at you. Like, if you don’t do this fatty, I will eat you? I’m not sure who designed their webpage but it is, ah, well, how do I say this? Not great. And by not great, I mean crappy. Really, really crappy. And funny. And scary. And confusing. I’m amazed that this procedure was even approved. Musta been by fat monkey’s I guess.

There are ‘ports’ involved. Ports? When I hear the word port, I think of ships and water. I don’t think of people’s insides. This is one of the questions on the ‘FAQS’ page. ‘Do I have to be careful with the access port underneath my skin’? What? The port underneath my skin? That alone is baffling. In several places on the website, they warn you to NOT DRINK MILKSHAKES. Run for your lives people, because that is not normal. To never have a milkshake, is just not right. And to be warned about them? I mean, come on, sure if you guzzle milkshakes like they’re going out of style, well you might be entering into a shit storm sort of speak. Which leads me to my next point.

Speaking of shit, one of the warnings, is after the surgery, you may experience ‘dumping syndrome’. So let me get this right, you might shit so much it will be classified as a syndrome? Well hells bells, sign me up. You should see the risk factor page alone. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to do this. Below are some of the risks………

Gastritis (irritated stomach tissue)
Gastroesophageal reflux (regurgitation)
Gas bloat
Dysphagia (difficulty swallowing)
Weight regain
Death…………DEATH. Hmmm, I think that might be a deal breaker. Just sayin’.

If you do decide to do this, you can go back to have your band either, tightened or loosened by having a big ass needle stuck in your port. Hmmm, a needle stuck in your port? Sounds kinda kinky, but hey, maybe you’re into that sorta thing.

Oh they say, on their FAQS page, that if you eat out, you should tell your hostess upfront that you can’t eat alot because you’ve had this procedure. Ah huh.

Hi, table for 2?

Yes please. Oh by the way, I have a port inserted in my gut and so I can’t eat alot and thought you should know that because they told me on the website, that indeed, I could go out to eat but that I should inform my hostess. BUT DON’T SERVE ME MILKSHAKES BETCH BECAUSE I MIGHT DUMP. OR DIE. OR SOMETHING.

Right. I’ll get your waitress.

I bet that person won’t get funny looks. Well they might because they have a port sticking out their ass. Or bellybutton. Or neck. Or face. I dunno.

I punched in my weight, height and age to see if I might qualify for this procedure, and this is the message I got:

Based on your BMI (bowel movement index? Like I’m gonna give them that info!), you do not qualify for LAP-BAND® System surgery at this time. Well darn it. I was so looking forward to getting my very own port. Makes me sound rich. Hey ya’ll, I got a port now! A freakin’ port!

Anyway, I say lay off the cake and pie, walk a little, work out a little and you can avoid THE PORT. Just my little piece of advice for the day. I’m nice like that.

Posted by Sassy @ 8:34 pmUncategorized10 comments  

November 25, 2006

Ah.  Choooooo.

My daughter is 6. And she has a cute nose.
Here we have a bead. A pretty, purple, plastic bead. Lovely isn’t it?
Here we have a certain scenerio. See where I’m going with this?

My child decided yesterday, while her mommy was having a nice little chocolate induced coma sleep cat nap, she would put a shiny, purple bead up her nose. Why you ask?

Mommy, there’s a bead up my nose.

What? Slightly groggy from nap

There’s a bead up my nose.

What? A bead? Huh? Is the house on fire?

No mom, there’s no fire. Just a bead up my nose.

How did a bead get up your nose?

I put it up there.

Why on earth would you do that?

Well, I didn’t know it would actually go up that far. Rolls her eyes, hands on hips.

Oh, I see. Roll eyes right back.

Doctor mom gets a flashlight and tweezers, thinking, well, how hard can this be? I look up her nostril and sure enough, waaaaay back there, is a bead.

Explain to me again why you did this?

It’s a purple bead mom, very pretty.

Ah huh. Why?

I’m not 100% sure. I tried to get it out myself but all I did was push it further in there.

Ah huh. Fantastic.

I try unsuccessfully with the tweezers. We did the holding the one nostril closed and blowing. Nada. Tried the hold the free nostril closed, while mommy performs an inpromptu mouth to mouth session, nothing. Well Miss thought that was funny. Funny, mommy didn’t think any of this was funny. Funny how that is.

My bf Karen, told me to pour 8 gallons of baby oil or olive oil in her nostril, lay her back and then sit her up and it would slide out. Ya that home remedy didn’t work either. Oh and she did change the 8 gallons to maybe 4 or 5 drops. She thought the 8 gallons might be overkill. Wink.

My husband arrives home, I tell him the good news, that we have to head to the ER. That’s what every couple wants to do on a Friday night, sit in a waiting room for hours with your child because she stuck a jewelry making product up her sniffer. I called the ER and the nurse said that we would have to come in but she recommended us finding a clinic that’s open late and that they might be able to remove it there. She told me the ER was backed up and our wait time would be hours and hours and hours. Super. I eventually found a walkin clinic that was open near our home and off we went.

We arrived and waited about 40 minutes. The doctor came in and said he could certainly try to get it out and that he had a pretty good batting average. So, like you do this often enough that you have a batting average? What is wrong with kids? Geez, they’re so immature. Anyway, after about ONE MINUTE, Doctor Amazing fishes out the dreaded purple bead and we heave a huge sigh of relief that we will not have to sit in an ER waiting room until dawn. He asks us if we want the bead. Ah, that would be a big fat no.

My daughter has vowed never to do this again. Oh, and that necklace making kit I bought her for Christmas, is SOOOO going back to Toys R Us. Ha!

Posted by Sassy @ 6:43 amUncategorized13 comments  

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