November 29, 2006

While watching tv today, I saw a commercial for a ‘weight loss’ procedure, that quite frankly scared the shit out of me. It’s called the ~~Crap-Band~~ ‘Lap-Band’.

I was on the phone with Karen and I asked her if she’d ever heard of it. She hadn’t. We both then went to the website and seriously dude, it was scary and laughable all rolled into one happy ball of confusion. When you go to the home page, a lion roars at you. Like, if you don’t do this fatty, I will eat you? I’m not sure who designed their webpage but it is, ah, well, how do I say this? Not great. And by not great, I mean crappy. Really, really crappy. And funny. And scary. And confusing. I’m amazed that this procedure was even approved. Musta been by fat monkey’s I guess.

There are ‘ports’ involved. Ports? When I hear the word port, I think of ships and water. I don’t think of people’s insides. This is one of the questions on the ‘FAQS’ page. ‘Do I have to be careful with the access port underneath my skin’? What? The port underneath my skin? That alone is baffling. In several places on the website, they warn you to NOT DRINK MILKSHAKES. Run for your lives people, because that is not normal. To never have a milkshake, is just not right. And to be warned about them? I mean, come on, sure if you guzzle milkshakes like they’re going out of style, well you might be entering into a shit storm sort of speak. Which leads me to my next point.

Speaking of shit, one of the warnings, is after the surgery, you may experience ‘dumping syndrome’. So let me get this right, you might shit so much it will be classified as a syndrome? Well hells bells, sign me up. You should see the risk factor page alone. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to do this. Below are some of the risks………

Ulceration
Gastritis (irritated stomach tissue)
Gastroesophageal reflux (regurgitation)
Heartburn
Gas bloat
Dysphagia (difficulty swallowing)
Dehydration
Constipation
Weight regain
Death…………DEATH. Hmmm, I think that might be a deal breaker. Just sayin’.

If you do decide to do this, you can go back to have your band either, tightened or loosened by having a big ass needle stuck in your port. Hmmm, a needle stuck in your port? Sounds kinda kinky, but hey, maybe you’re into that sorta thing.

Oh they say, on their FAQS page, that if you eat out, you should tell your hostess upfront that you can’t eat alot because you’ve had this procedure. Ah huh.

Hi, table for 2?

Yes please. Oh by the way, I have a port inserted in my gut and so I can’t eat alot and thought you should know that because they told me on the website, that indeed, I could go out to eat but that I should inform my hostess. BUT DON’T SERVE ME MILKSHAKES BETCH BECAUSE I MIGHT DUMP. OR DIE. OR SOMETHING.

Right. I’ll get your waitress.

I bet that person won’t get funny looks. Well they might because they have a port sticking out their ass. Or bellybutton. Or neck. Or face. I dunno.

I punched in my weight, height and age to see if I might qualify for this procedure, and this is the message I got:

Based on your BMI (bowel movement index? Like I’m gonna give them that info!), you do not qualify for LAP-BAND® System surgery at this time. Well darn it. I was so looking forward to getting my very own port. Makes me sound rich. Hey ya’ll, I got a port now! A freakin’ port!

Anyway, I say lay off the cake and pie, walk a little, work out a little and you can avoid THE PORT. Just my little piece of advice for the day. I’m nice like that.