Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!

Archive for January, 2007

January 26, 2007

I’ve been tagged!  Tagged!  Did you hear me?

Maybe my day will improve! Chris, my new fan, because she said I was the most talented, beautiful, sexy, sweet, gorgeous creature she’s ever seen/read, has tagged me. Fine, I lied, she didn’t say any of that but she did say I was hilarious, so that’s almost the same thing. Anyway, I must tell you 10 things about me, which I KNOW you WANT to KNOW. I have to run out for a bit but I will return to tell you 10 things that you will poke your eyes out because you DIDN’T want to know that about me have been dying to know about me. Ab-so-freakin’-lutely. Now, listen, go about your day until I return, although I know that will be hard because you’ll be sitting on the edge of your seat, breathlessly waiting for me to come back. Honestly, breath okay? Be back soon!


Told you I’d be back albeit later than I expected. And by later, I mean over 24 hours later, but I was getting sloshed and whistling at the cars going by rescuing a cat from a burning tree. Anyway, enough about my being a superhero, let’s move on to ten things about me that you’re dying to know.

1.) I love early morning. Why you ask? Because it’s that time of day that I open the booze can play online without being interrupted, listen to the quiet and zone out before my day starts.

2.) I can’t swim. I may have mentioned this before somewhere along the way but you probably forgot because you were mesmerized by my insanity beauty and all.

3.) I’m scared of sharks. And I know I just said I can’t swim and therefore, will most likely never be out swimming in the ocean, however, should a band (is that what you call them?) of pirates kidnap me and throw me overboard, then it’s possible that I could become shark bait and that scares me tremdously.

4.) I love pink. Like anyone with a brain can’t figure that one out. However, I wouldn’t want pink hair. Or a pink toilet. Or pink eyes. Or a pink elephant in my livingroom.

5.) I have a love affair going with peanut M&M’s. I wish I didn’t and I hope to end it soon because my heartburn isn’t happy with our goings on.

6.) I listen to Chris Daughtry’s debut cd every single day since I got it. He’s a really great singer and not hard on the eyes. I’m not normally into bald guys, but hey, it works on him. I’d hit it shake his hand if I met him.

7.) I have 2 pens that light up. One is silver and one is pink and both write with black ink. They’re $1.98 at Staples. And so worth the money, if you’re into pens and such.

8.) I wish I could play the guitar and although my husband has been playing for over 25 years and is really really good, even he can’t teach me. I suck. Plus I like having pretty nails and I’d have to totally cut them and then I’d look like I have short man hands with ugly nails and that is so unacceptable. I’m too girly for that to ever happen.

9.) I can’t stand the smell of olives. There’s an olive bar at the grocery store and I try to avoid walking by it because to me, it smells like dirty socks, b/0 and dog shit.

10.) I watch 3 soap operas. Not fully but I turn them on if I’m puttering around in the livingroom and half watch/listen. It’s just that I’ve been into them since I was like 15 and how, I ask you, could I give them up at this point? It’d be like, you know, a sin or something.

There you have it. Ten things that, now that you know, you WILL sleep better tonight or perhaps you’re passed out now because I bored you to death. I’m so glad I could make that happen for you.

Posted by Sassy @ 1:14 pmNonsense,Tagged N' Shit14 comments  
What a shitty great day.

Yes, I realize Christmas has passed and the next one is pretty far away but I wanted a “crappy” picture to show my “crappy” mood, so I searched for a “crappy picture” and this is what came up. So I’m goin’ with it.

My nerves are so frazzled with all this house business, both with having to keep my house (that we rent) spotless 24/7, so the realtors can show it (it’s for sale), leaving the house and trying to come up with things to do while I’m out, like get drunk shopping, worrying about whether we can swing buying the fugly pink (we’ll eventually renovate) house we want and now my van. It’s basically a piece of shit metal on wheels. I might as be driving around on an actual piece of poo with attached wheels. I think I’ve said crap, shit and poo like a million times already, so I wonder what kind of CRAP searches I’ll get today? Hmmmm. Should be interesting.

I decided to drive my daughter to school this morning since it was cold, I’m fighting a lingering migraine and honestly, I just felt like it. Well I dropped her off, waited until the bell rang and then went back to my van to leave and it wouldn’t start. There’s a loose wire thingy attached to the battery thingy that you apparently have to beat or wiggle or some such bullSHIT. As you can tell, I know nothing about vehicles other than THEY’RE. SUPPOSED. TO. START. WHEN. YOU. TURN. THE. KEY.

I called my husband to see if by some miracle he was still in our neighbourhood but no, no he wasn’t. He told me to lift the hood and hit the cable going to the battery.

The battery?

Yes, the battery.

I don’t know what it looks like? Like a Duracell?

No. You’ll see it when you open the hood, it’s on the passenger side.

Ah huh. Right. Does it say ‘battery’ on it?


Well I can freakin’ guarantee I will not know what or where it is.

I get the hood open and just as I suspected I had no clue which dirty, blackish, dusty, metal thing it was. He explained and I eventually spotted it. He told me to move the cable a bit or hit it with something. Works like a charm for him everytime.

You want me to hit? With what?

I don’t know, there must be something in the van.

No. There’s yesterday’s mail. Should I beat it with our power bill?

Sure. No, there must be something, a wrench, something.

No, I’m looking and I see nothing.

Did you open the back door of the van? There should be something there.

Fine, I’ll check.

I find a trowel thingy for spreading crack fill. Oh this should TOTALLY WORK.

So there I am, beating my battery with a trowel. It’s NOT WORKING. My husband is assuring me that eventually it will. No, it won’t. I’m trying, my hands are now black/brown/dusty/crappy and I must look like some kind of circus sideshow pounding on the inside of my van’s hoody thingy. My husband tells me to just walk home and he’ll be over later. Sure. So I grab my book and lock the door and start walking home, cursing the world, my van, my frost bitten hands, Oprah, The Pillsbury Doughboy and anyone/thing I can think of. So there I am, walking down the sidewalk, bawling like a 2 year old, the stresses of the last few weeks finally coming to a head. Great time to have a breakdown. My makeup’s sliding off my face, tears pooling on my jacket, snot most likely starting to drip from my nose and then I begin to hyperventalate and have an asthma attack. Gee, did I happen to bring my inhaler, you know that thing I need incase I STOP BREATHING? No, no I did not. So I’m walking as fast as I can, which doesn’t help when you’re fighting for air, wiping my face off with my jacket sleeve, which is not a great idea because my jacket is brown and my makeup is white seeing as I’m a pasty person, mix that with some snot and tears and you have a jacket that really needs to be WASHED. Oh and I’m trying NOT TO DIE from lack of oxygen in my lungs.

I finally make it home, stumble with the key in the lock because of the lockbox on the door handle and the fact that my once pasty white hands are now red/purple from being so cold. I get in and go on a search for my inhaler, find it, take a few puffs to get some much needed air in my chest, and then fall on the couch to continue my breakdown. I sat up a few minutes later and went to take a look in the mirror, which cracked from the horror show displayed on my face. Let’s just say I WILL be redoing my makeup.

Anyway, now that my little cry fest is over for now, I think I’ll go bitchslap my neighbour’s dog that won’t shut it’s yap. Might as well get this funky mood out and what better way than to beat a small yappy dog? I can’t think of a thing! Happy Friday.

Posted by Sassy @ 11:22 amI want to Punch You in the Neck,Nonsense5 comments  

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