March 8, 2007

Happy Hump Day. And by Hump Day, I mean eat some chocolate and drink some alcohol. I totally would if, you know, I ate chocolate and drank alcohol. Oh wait, Hump Day was yesterday, today is just Thursday. Thursday gets a bum rap sometimes. Maybe because it was humped by Wednesday? Oh what a play on words. Dontcha love it?

Alot has been going on with me but I think I’ll spare you the unfortunate details. I’m kinda like a secret spy and if I tell you too much about my secret missions, then it wouldn’t be a secret and I’d have to punch you in the face if I spoke of it. And golly, we wouldn’t want that.

So tell me, what’s been happening with you? Yes, you. I’m serious, give me a run down of your activities and goings on and maybe your life experiences are more shitty than mine are right now and that will make me feel better about myself. I’m sweet like that. *Blink, blink, blink*

Oh, did I tell you?????????? Well I’m going to anyway, so brace yourself. Someone, other than my one other fan, recognized me! I’m not even kidding. I was in the mall, shoplifting shopping and I was looking at purses. There was a lady, about my age or so (25ish *cough*) and she was kinda staring at me. And by staring at me, she was booring holes in my back with her laser beam eyes. It was sort of creepy. I kept looking at the purses, all the while, continuing to watch her out of the corner of my eye. Finally after about 5 minutes of this, I looked her directly in the face at which time, I thought if she tries to attack me, I’ll throw my cell phone at her and then run away screaming for someone to arrest the crazy lady and then I’d call 911 for extra protection. Then I realized, I’d be without my cell phone because I had just thrown it at her and thus not able to call 911. Bad plan. I decided to smile at her and catch her off guard, because maybe she was a mall purse snatcher. I mean she didn’t really look like a purse snatcher nor particularly crazy for that matter either but you just never know. I then decided I’d walk over to the rack of necklaces and see if she was still eye laser beaming me. She was. Then I see her coming towards me. She opens her mouth and I’m thinking, oh, my God, she’s going to eat me. No, barf on me. No eat me. Anyway, I’m frightened at her open mouth. However, she wasn’t trying to eat me because I then heard words coming out of her mouth. Went something like this:

I love your blog!

OMG, you do?

Yes, it’s quite pretty. Where’d you get it?

Thanks! Where’d I get it? Ah, well, I guess the internet but I made it, kinda.

Wow, you make jewelry?

Jewelry?

Yes, like your watch.

My watch? Oh.

It’s at this point, I’ve just realized, she didn’t say, ‘I like your blog‘, she had said, ‘I like your watch‘. Geez. Talk about feeling like a, oh, I don’t know, a fucking MORON. So when I said up there, someone had recognized me again, ya, that was apparently only in my deluted, retarded head. Sigh.

My youngest son is sick today. He was up all night until 4am, ah, being sick. That about sums that up. Moving right along……

I have to do some more packing this weekend because I eventually have to move. Like in less than 2 months. Can you say, S.T.R.E.S.S. Moving is just not fun. I can’t think of one fun thing about it. Digging through all of your belongings, getting boxes, tape, wrapping breakables, finding that long lost donut hidden in the back of your closet (oh come on, we’ve all had gross donuts in our closets.), wondering, when in the name of fuck, did I buy that sweater? It’s puke green with shitty brown stripes, trimmed in orange diarreah fringe. Surely it must have been purchased while drugged? I dunno. Anyway, the whole process is just hard. And not hard like hard candy because hard candy can be quite enjoyable now and then, but hard, like, hard. Yaaaaaaaaaaahhhhaaaa.

As I sign off for now, I want to leave you with one thought. Ummm, hmmm, you know, honestly I can’t think of a frigging thing right now, so, ah, this is awkward. I swear if I think of something profound to say, I will come back and say it. Not even kidding you. Enjoy your Thursday, you know, the day that gets the bum rap.

March 1, 2007

…..My life feels like it’s in the toilet and because of that, I feel fugly. Kinda like the above picture. I don’t have any idea who that is and no offense, thankfully I don’t actually look like that but I wanted to show you how I feel. I’m not going to get into any details really because honestly, my 3 500 fans want funny, not whiney/sad crap. Well it will be crap but if we’re gonna talk crap, let’s at least make it funny right? I’ve got my hand on the pulse of everything. I’m super cool like that.

We have less than 3 months to be moved out and now no house. The fugly pink house has 100% been sold and although I was really upset about it, my 10 year old son said today that we’ll just keep watching and maybe the new owners will someday want to sell it. He’s got a point.

I’m a tad worried about clumps of hair falling out when I wash it. I mean I do have lots of hair and so far no bald spots, but damn it’s creepy seeing that much hair in the tub. I always freak a bit, thinking it’s a redhaired rodent and then realize, ah no, it’s not. I’m chalking it up to stress and I’m sure a little booze bag of cookies will fix that right up. If I start looking like baldy Britney, then I’ll worry.

I think I sprained my wrist but I’m not 100% sure. I do know that it hurts like hell when I type and when I tried to punch the retarded bank teller in the ass today, I could barely get a good swing so I’m thinking I did something to it. Next time that bizatch is gonna meet the high heel of my boot. No need for wrist action for that. Goooood thinkin’.

I’m wondering when spring is going to come around? I mean I know it officially arrives on March 21st according to my calendar but that’s 3 weeks from now. I want it now. Like 2 days ago. Is that asking too much? Like what the hell does Mother Nature have to do that she’s too damn busy to get spring going. Spring into action MN (that’s what I call Mother Nature, MN. We’re tight like that. Sorta.). Get it? Like my play on words? I’m so, wordy.?. Ah ya.

I got a new pair of pants a couple of weeks ago. Isn’t that exciting? Aren’t you thrilled for me? You’re probably slapping your leg right now, saying, ‘damn that girl is a rebel, buying new pants’. I know it and you know it.

Tonight is my favourite tv night. I watch ER and Survivor. Any ER and/or Survivor fans out there? Wanna talk about it? Don’t you just love Luca? And by love, I mean, don’t you want to rip off his clothes (probably not so much you Ozy, unless there’s something you want to tell me?) and smear chocolate on him and then……………………….oops, sorry, I fell off my chair. On that note, I should go help my kids with their homework because goodness knows the maid/chef/tutor didn’t bother showing up today. Damn lazy bitch. Peace out.