Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
Depends, drool and white hair.

May 23, 2007

I have been tagged people by Chris and you know what that means? That means she thinks I’m getting old fabulous and loves me. She’s tagged me with with the following two things, which I will now share with you. I know you’re dying to know as usual. Why? Because I fight crime with my insanity beauty and anyone who can do that, well, people want to know everything about them.

WHEN I AM AN OLD WOMAN, I HOPE TO:

1. Be able to chew properly. I hope to keep all of my own teeth and not have some kind of set that you drop in a glass on the nightstand. The thought of my teeth floating beside my bed, brings shivers to my spine.

2. Not shit myself. I’ve not so far (well I did that one time back in the day but I was one, so I don’t think that counts), but seeing as I’m only 39 25, I don’t think I have to worry about that right away unless I eat some really bad seafood and there’s no indoor plumbing near by. However, I’m not very concerned about it at this moment in time.

3. Still have sex. Even if my husband perishes before me, I hope to have some sort of swingin’ lifestyle that will provide this old gal with some pleeeeeeaaaaa-sure if you know what I’m sayin’. You know, right now, the thought of old lady me getting it on, is well, making me sorta nauseous. I think I might need to find that indoor plumbing now. Be right back.

4. Be able to wipe my own rear. I will invent some sort of wiper should my arms become too fragile to do the job by themselves. No way will I hire someone to do any sort of wiping for me. Just not happening people, just not happening.

5. Still be semi hot. Not hot as in ‘oh I have a fever and nasty rash’ hot, but old lady hot. I think this one might be a pipe dream but I could be senile by then anyway, so let’s just go with it mmmkay?

Onto the next part, which, you’re just holding your breath waiting for. Maybe I should do part 2 tomorrow and make you dream about me all night long. I’m not that cruel, however. You can still dream about me though.

WHEN I AM AN OLD WOMAN, I WILL NOT:

1. Tell you how many times I passed gas before noon. Besides, people like me,liars princesses, don’t pass gas. It’s a true fact people.

2. Have short, old lady bad perm hair. I like my hair. I’ve not always liked my hair and it’s taken me many years to come to fall in like with it, so I will not cut it all off and make it all curly and gray. I will dye it. I will leave it sorta long, probably not as long as it is now but I will not have short, white, carpet hair. Sure the other wrinkly broads at the old folks home will hate me but so what? Eat it betches.

3. Wear polyester stretch pants or blouses with ruffles or undershirts (not sure if old women wear undershirts, maybe that’s old men, whatever, I’m not wearing them), wear giant ‘granny panties’, soft soled nurse type shoes or elastic waisted anythings. If I look like a retarded asshat wearing my lowcut lacy black bra under my sexy white tee and my tight jeans with the hot high heeled boots, that’s my business. I’ll cut you.

4. Have bunions. I will cut them off before I walk around with fungus on my feet or whatever the hell bunions are. I will file that fucker off before I walk around with an gross lump on my pretty little feet.

5. Have a turkey neck. There is no need for one. Honestly, wrap that baby up, clip it, tape it, sand it, get surgery, something. Just no need to walk around, all flappy and shit.

And there you have it. My old lady list of do’s and don’ts. I’m sure you’ll all be sleeping like babies tonight, just having that much more information on me. I’m thoughtful like that. Thank you Chris for tagging me. I’m pretty sure you said you’d pay me like $235 for doing this, so check’s in the mail right? Right.

*Edit* I’d list some people to tag but having five 895 fans is a bit much to list and I’d feel horrible if I left anyone out. So if you feel like doing this, do it and come back and tell me you did it. I, however, will not pay you like Chris is paying me. We have a special relationship.

Posted by Sassy @ 9:07 pmTagged N' Shit8 comments  

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8 Responses to “Depends, drool and white hair.”

  1. ROFLMAO.

    See, this is EXACTLY why I tagged YOU!

    I was laughing so loud that I just woke up Prince Charming who was snoozing on the couch next to me and received a ‘You’re reading some blog you think is really funny again, aren’t you?’ glare. oops.

    I have to go to bed now.

    Thanks for doing that. It really was sooo freaking hilarious and I pray we end up in the old folks home together. Then we can dye each others hair, bitch about the color of the jello, pinch the hot male nurses on their arse and blare Nickelback ’cause we’re so deaf ;-)

  2. Oh..and I thought YOU were paying ME for tagging you???

    Damn. Fooled me again ;-)

  3. I would change the first #3 to not just baing able to have sex but actually HAVING sex. hopefully I will be rich enough to hire young people to do ith with with and/or for me.
    I want to be a dirty old man, ya know one of those lacevious bastards hanging out in parks talkin nasty to young women, being all touchy and stuff, groping and what not. Harmless but nasty.
    OK, not much of a stretch as the only thing I need to add is the “old” part
    and maybe harmless…

  4. ROFLMAO!
    I love it… can we go ahead and plan to be in the same retirement home? ‘Cause we’ll be two of a kind and we’ll totally rule that place! :)

  5. Hell ya. I’m gonna open my OWN retirement home, and you’re all invited. Even Ozy. I mean we gotta have at least one dirty old man there, you know, to fetch our vodka’s and chocolate. Not sure if chocolate goes with vodka but whatever.

  6. Oh Chris, *insert belly laugh here*, me paying you? Priceless! You KNOW that you said YOU’D pay ME. Remember? Don’t tell me you forgot already. Do I need to open that retirement home NOW? HA!

  7. come on…short blue hair is old lady law!!!

  8. OMG, that is such the laugh I needed today!
    I will share that the first time I saw a woman in her late 70s/early 80s with breast implants, was quite the shocker. She was flat on her back and those babies were salutin’. I just had to ask her, I couldnt help myelf. She had not had breast CA, she just wanted them and got them in her late 50s! It was AWESOME!!! Gotta love that!





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