Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!

Archive for June, 2007

June 30, 2007

Insanity starts now. Well 3 days ago.

Do you know what today is? Ah it’s day 3 of summer break for my kids. I mean it’s also Saturday and they’d be off school anyway, but when Monday rolls around, they are not going back. They will be with me 24/7 until September. Is that even legal? I’m going to look into that.

I bought them a pool for passing their respective grades. Not a big inground pool because well, we live in a huge city with small yards but as yards go, my back yard is decently sized, although not huge like it would be if I were living in the country. Am I rambling? Get used to it. These are the yackings of a crazy person now, who will clearly show you just how nutso she is over the course of the summer. Anyway, the pool is an 8 foot round, that is just the right size for them. They love it. And that’s all that matters right? Hell no Right. I get to say to people now, when they call me, ‘oh I’m sitting by the pool’, makes me sound so shee shee pooh pooh and who doesn’t want to sound like that? And who doesn’t love getting splashed when your kids jump in the pool and your really juicy romance novel gets all wet and soggy? You’d have to be a stone cold bitch not to love that aspect of it. It makes me want to jump right in there and strangle join them. Is it September yet?

Did I tell you my arms fell off? No? Well they did. This weight training crap is for, well weight trainers but I continue to do it anyway. I’m not planning to get all muscle-y and get big bowed legs and smother my body in orange day glow tanning spread/oil/cream or anything like that, I’m just doing it……..why the hell am I doing it? I’m going to have to check with my assistant on why I’m doing it. Wait, I fired that cow. She was trying to steal my husband and then I kicked her and she died and then she came back to life……….wait, I think I might be confusing my situation with that soggy, wet, juicy romance novel that I was reading before my kids ruined it. I’m drunk relaxed. Oh the joys of summer break. And by joys, I mean torture joys for real.

My gf Ang and her girls came over yesterday and I made lunch for everyone. Noone died by eating my cooking, which, I think is a good thing. We sat out by the pool, looking all sweaty sexy, while our kids played and splashed and splashed and splashed some more. Did I mention we got splashed? We loved that. I know I did. It’s my favourite thing ever. Well besides typing this whole shit load of sentences with my tongue because my arms fell off. I’m resourceful like that. And I do have a strong tongue. I have proof. My dentist told me that awhile back….let me regale you with that story.

I had an appointment with a new dentist, so I had a thorough check up and they did some xrays and afterwards, my dentist went over the xrays with me. As he’s showing me the different pictures of the inside of my mouth (which were super hot by the way because it could have been the inside of an octopus because no regular person can make heads nor tails out of them anyway) and he points to a particular xray and says, “see that?” Sure I saw it but I had no idea what I was looking at. He told me it was my tongue, which, and I quote, “I had to fight with that thing the whole time I was in your mouth. You have a very strong tongue”. Ummm awkward. What does one say to that? Gee thanks doc, I work that baby out like there’s no tomorrow. I mean who doesn’t want a strong tongue? It’s come in handy for me since I’m typing these days with it because MY ARMS FELL OFF. See how life works out?

I have to go get dressed now. I’m going shopping for sleeveless shirts because my arms fell off and why would I need shirts with sleeves? Just a waste of material. Plus I need a drink, since my tongue has had a great workout typing all of this and I want to keep that pink monster in ‘tip’ top shape. ‘Tip’. Get it? I’m not in my right mind punny.

Posted by Sassy @ 11:58 amJust Stuff.,Nonsense3 comments  

June 23, 2007

Is it Saturday?

I think it is. I’m pretty sure yesterday was Friday so that would mean it’s Saturday unless we’re in New Zealand, which now, I think it would be Sunday? Do we really care? No.

I thought I’d do something to put everyone to sleep fun by talking about my recent search strings. I always wonder what people are thinking when they search for certain things/phrases on the big ole’ web world. And by wonder, I mean, I could give a rat’s ass but I’m bored. Moving on………

‘What flavor is Shrek’

Well to answer you, I don’t know what flavour Shrek is. He’s big, green, kinda fugly and looks like he’d be smelly. I’m guessing he’s somewhere between green tea, mixed with rotten socks, with some 23 day old bananas but let’s get real here shall we? He’s a fucking cartoon. You can’t eat him mmmkay?

‘I chipped off the corner of my sidewalk with my lawnmower’

Big enough search string? Geez, write a book already. To give you some advice for that style of lawnmowing, here’s a tip: Don’t get drunk, then mow your lawn, moron. And what kind of lawnmower are you using that it actually chipped your sidewalk? Is your sidewalk made out of cheese? If so, I’d suggest selling your home immediately and sending me half of your profits for giving you the balls to get off your ass and sell your house that’s in front of a cheese sidewalk. Gross.

‘I really got to pee n poop’

Ummmm here’s a suggestion: FIND.A.FUCKING.TOILET.

‘Oh my gawd your daughter came into my yard and kicked my dog’

Well your dog came into her yard first and shit on her Barbies, so what did you expect? You go girl.

‘My daughter wears sweatpants’

Sick. She’s obviously sick in the head. Sweatpants? I’d rather drive rusty nails into my eye sockets than be caught dead (or alive) in sweatpants. Punch her now. She needs some sense knocked into her. Do it now if you truly love her. Break her of her nasty habit NOW.

‘Tell Mommy, did you break this lamp?’

Yes I did mommy because it sucks. You have rotten taste in lamps beeyotch, so I broke that mo-fo.

‘Shrek McFlurry’

Trust me, you don’t want one of these. I talked about it here and I think after reading that, you will know WHY you don’t want one of those. Also see the first search string above….Shrek smells. ‘Nuff said.

‘Oh my my my my’

Stutter much? If you stutter, don’t write to me and say I offended you. I’m busy making fun of you cleaning.

‘Diapered kids’

Yes, these are called BABIES.

‘Why are my shoes all dirty with the stains’

Because you stained them with the dirt, duh. Assclown.

There you have it, your complete Saturday (or Sunday if you’re in NZ) entertainment. I’m always so glad when I can help you with your weekend plans. I am so fucking lame rock.

Posted by Sassy @ 10:09 amFunky Search Strings4 comments  

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