Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
Crabby McCrabbypants.

July 7, 2007

Sasha

See that kitten? See her kinda ‘I’m pissy and I don’t care look’? Well I couldn’t have done a better job making that face, so I let her do it for me.

Have you ever had a crappy week? I did. It was hot and sweaty here although today has cooled down considerably and now it’s cloudy and maybe going to thundershower later. It’s like why can’t we have a happy medium for the weather? Why can I not control the weather? I think I’d do a much better job than that bitch Mother Nature. You’re FIRED.

I’m tired of rescuing old ladies from burning buildings, wearing a super hero cape that really does NOTHING for my complexion, knocking down criminals with just my beauty alone…..it’s all so exhausting really. I need a vacation from summer vacation.

My kids actually talked me into getting in their pool the other day. They begged me to get in with them, so finally I put on my bathing suit and got in only to have them laugh at me for getting in. Oh the torture. I threatened to get out and then they half cried for me not to get out, so I said fine I’ll stay and then they started laughing again. I can’t win. Punching them was certainly not an option so instead we played ‘I spy’ but with a twist. We didn’t look for certain colours, we instead played the ‘I spy something that starts with the letter “A..etc” version, which was so fun, I can’t even begin to tell you. Actually I could tell you but then you’d have to hang yourself and no way am I going to be responsible for that. So, let me keep my mouth shut on that excitement.

I have to get my workout done yet and I’m feeling very unworking-out-like but I know I have to or then I’ll feel guilty. Can you even imagine feeling guilty because you DIDN’T work out? I do. How creepy is that? If I put off my workout in the morning, which is the usual time I do it, I actually feel bad about it and then rush to get it done before noon hits. What the hell is that about? I must be on drugs. Yet I dont have any drugs so I’m not sure what I’m on. Must be my vodka natural high for life. Yaaaaaaaaaaa.

Guess what was on my front step? Fine don’t guess, I’ll just tell you. I looked out the window in my door and saw some big black blob on the white stair railing, near the bottom of the rung where it joins the actual landing. I’m squinting my old lady eyes and can’t quite make out what it is. I decided to open my door and walk out onto the step and bend down to get a closer look. I immediately jumped back and I think then I threw up. I can’t quite remember as it was very traumatic. I was on the phone with Ang and she started making barfy noises when I told her what it was, which made me feel so much better. She’s a wench like that. Ha. Anyway, I know you’re gripping the edge of your seat wanting me to just tell you all ready, so I will. After this commerical break………..kidding. Geez you’re impatient. I bend down again to look because, you know, once wasn’t enough. I was really hoping to be wrong but since I’m never wrong, I knew I had to be right the first time. It was just as I thought. A big, huge, gigantuous mound of baby spiders. Just writing this out is making me itchy. There were literally thousands and thousands of them, although I didn’t take the time to actually count them but I could just tell. They were all squirming around, I suppose getting ready to fly the coupe. Or spring the web, whatever the hell the right term is for spiders. Fuckers. They were NOT going to get the chance. Now I could have waited for my husband to come home and deal with them but he’s always like, oh you want to kill a poor little spider, that’s so mean, blah blah blah. I knew he’d not do it, and then he might even invite them in to live in our house which at that point, I’d have to kick him in the balls and then he’d be rolling around on the floor and then he’d want me to make it up to him and then while we were busy, the spiders would have set up house in our house and then I’d have to blow my house up. So you see, how I just need to take care of the situation myself even though spiders are my worst enemy on the planet? Exactly.

I tell Ang that I dont have any kind of bug killer per say but that I have Windex window cleaner and some toxic shit that I got to clean the bbq with. She said that should do it. So since she’s bossy the boss, that’s what I did. I put on rubber gloves, sun glasses and a wet suit (couldn’t find my toxic waste suit) and began spraying that spider nest/blob with window cleaner and oven cleaner. Oh it was nasty. The spiders all started moving and yelling, ‘whatta you doin’ you crusty beeyotch’? but I just ignored their insults and continued to spray them. They died. Was I sorry? No. Does that make me hot? You betcha. Anyway, I looked up and saw the mother spider and she looked pissed. So I did what any irrational spider hater normal person would do and sprayed the shit out of her with window cleaner and some oven spray to top it off. She died too. Now her and her creepy offspring can lounge around in spider heaven. At least they’ll all be together. And if I find the baby daddy, he’s going down too.

So how was your week? Kill any spiders? Sit in any kid pools? Have your face slapped? Break a nail? Live through a heat wave? I’m hoping my weekend will be better than my week. So far it’s kinda boring. But I have my workout to look forward to. Ahem. Have a super happy Saturday. And by super happy, I mean super drunk. If you’re going to get drunk, don’t drive mmmkay? Call me, and I’ll come drive for you. Well you know, if you’re like, in a 20 mile radius. Or you know what, just call a cab or if you can swing it, a limo. I’m busy being busy.

Posted by Sassy @ 1:36 pmJust Stuff.4 comments  

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4 Responses to “Crabby McCrabbypants.”

  1. haven’t even read the whole blog… just have to agree on the “shit week” beginning… mercury is in retrograde if you believe that stuff… should be over soon… if it’s not i might have to move to the anartic…

  2. Ugh! Spiders! Hubby went to kill one the other day and it had its babies on its back. They all went running all over. I leaped onto the kitchen counter and provided the play by play as to which directions they were running.

  3. Ew that’s nasty! Kill all spiders! I had my spider issues this weekend. I was camping and was trying to enjoy the nasty ass sog noodles tastey meal of pasta and I noticed there was a baby spider on my fork. Which had been in my mouth. I actually threw up.

  4. Hi! Blog hopping from Serendipity Mine.
    I had the same experience with a big ass spider last year. It was hanging from my awning and it took a whole can of bug spray to get it to curl up on itself still hanging from it’s web. I kept an eye on it but when Mother Nature called I had to walk away for a minute. When I came back the tricky bastard was gone! The next day, I swear it was the same spider, appeared hanging from my garage! Since I was out of bug spray…it took a whole can of aqua net (remember that?) to freeze it in place. It kept spewing this white gunk. Then we (my sister, husband and I) swatted it with an old wooden board, put the board on top of it and did a little jig on it. It wouldn’t DIE! We had to chop it into little pieces… Yeah Husband and I are in our 30s and sis is 26… we reverted!

    Your blog is awesome by the way, really funny!





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