Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
Oh ya baby, it’s September.

September 6, 2007

I’ve been MIA because I was on a drunken celebration binge secret mission for the government, which because it’s secret and it’s for the government, I cannot speak about it. Shucks.

You’re wondering what I’ve been doing right? Of course. You cry when I don’t speak to you from this internet world. You weep greatly when I’m not around and for that, I’m so super sorry. Oh let me tell you about my grocery store situation. It’s been awhile since I had one and I want to make your life complete.

My children and I decided to walk to the grocery store last week. It was a beautiful summer day, slight breeze and we wanted to pick up a few items. My husband had given me some ‘Superbucks’. He gets them when he gets gas from the grocery store gas station. They’re basically like ‘grocery store money’ and you can use them for anything with the exception of alcohol or tobacco products. I had about $25 dollars in Superbucks. My purchase came to $22 bucks and some change. Now, the only thing with Superbucks, is if your purchase is under the amount you give them in Superbucks, they don’t give you change back. But usually people will grab some gum or a candy bar to make the purchase amount as close to the amount of Superbucks as possible. However, it’s usually some change, so noone is going to be upset that they’re not getting back a few cents.

Clerk: Ah you purchase is $22.64 and you are giving me $23.00 in Superbucks and I no make change.

Me: That’s fine. It’s 36 cents, so I’m not worried about it. I understand that I don’t get change back.

Clerk: I take one of them off k?

Me: Why?

Clerk: ‘Cause then it will be not me owe you money.

Me: It’s 36 cents, I’m cool with that. I won’t go bankrupt because I’m not getting my change back. Honestly, it’s fine.

Clerk: No I take one off.

So she proceeds to take one of the Superbucks off and now I OWE her $2.67. Ummmm what?

Me: Umm, I now owe you $2.67. Why would I want to pay you in cash when I can pay for my WHOLE purchase with the Superbucks? Please put that back on.

Clerk: But I owe you .36 and I can’t give you that back.

Me: I realize that. I’m totally fine with that. It’s T.H.I.R.T.Y. S.I.X. C.E.N.T.S. I can handle that.

Clerk: I take another one off instead.

Me: What???????????

Now the amount I owe her is $5.83. There are people behind me, waiting to be served and this chick is making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Me: What are you doing? I don’t want to OWE $5.83! Get it? I don’t care if I will lose THIRTY…..SIX…..CENTS. Said through clenched teeth. Please put that coupon back on so I can move on with my life.

Cashier reluctantly scans the coupon again and now she’s back to ‘owing’ me thirty six cents. Then she just stands there looking all confused, while the people behind us are looking all, you know, PISSED OFF.

Clerk: I call my supervisor.

Me: Ah why?

Clerk: ‘Cause I owe you money.

Me: OH.MY.GAWD. No you don’t. Can I just have my receipt and then I will be on my merry way? Please?

That can’t happen though can it? Nope. She calls her supervisor over, who explains to me, like I’m a retarded ass monkey, that I don’t get my change back. To which, I explain right back to her like she’s the retarded ass monkey, that I’m aware that I don’t get my change back but hey, it’s THIRTY SIX CENTS and I will totally survive not having it. I’ll still be able to afford to get myself a strawberries n’ cream from Starbucks AND get my kids a treat. See how happy I am? Okay, now complete the transaction, so I can have my receipt and I can get going because I have dirty, sharp knives to drive into my skull later. Thanks.

Supervisor explains to cashier that she just opens the till to complete the sale and it will then print my receipt and then she just leaves the .36 cents in the cash register. Supervisor smiles at me and leaves. Great. Things are happenin’ now. Cashier opens the till and counts out thirty six cents and proceeds to hand it to me. I stare at her blankly, envisioning myself throwing jelly beans at her and then happily punching her in the neck.

Me: What are you doing?

Clerk: I owe you thirty six cents.

Me: Your supervisor just told you what to do. You DO NOT give me the change, just give me the receipt and you can give the change to the very angry lady behind me if you like.

Clerk: I owe you .36 cents.

Me: I don’t want it. I’m allergic to money. Take it away. OH MY GAWD I’m blind now. Can I have my receipt please? Please? My head is about to explode and you’ll have a huge mess on your hands because I’m so filled with brains, it’s not even funny.

Clerk: I owe you thirty six cents.

Me: Give. me. my. receipt.

She hands me my receipt, while still holding onto the change, unsure of what to do with it. I have a few ideas that come to mind. I watch her as I’m walking away and she’s putting the change onto the top of her cash register, then she picks it up and puts it in her pocket, then takes it out and puts it back on top of her cash register. At that point, I stop looking before I self destruct and run over and smack her upside the head, give her a wedgie and scream in her ear. Oh please remind me to use Superbucks again when making a purchase at the grocery store. I need more excitement in my life.

There you have it, my awesome grocery store experience. No need to thank me, you reading it and not killing yourself from boredom means alot.

Posted by Sassy @ 5:47 pmConfusing right?,I want to Punch You in the Neck21 comments  

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21 Responses to “Oh ya baby, it’s September.”

  1. See? And just when I think I am over my unhealthy obsession with you, you go and post shit like this making me fall deeper in love with you.

    And I’m pretty sure its a stalker lesbian kinda love.

    Or not.

    Also. I hate Starbucks. Not for the people who work there but [gasp] i think their coffee sucks

  2. I just totally went from glee to anger during this post in about three seconds. Why you ask? The glee was from all the laughing and your use of the term “retarded ass monkey” not once but twice. Anger because I want to be the one writing funny posts like this one so I got a little jealous. Although, if I have to go through an experience like this one to write a post like this, I think I’ll just go ahead and pass.

  3. Oh I love when I make people jealous because honestly, who wouldn’t be jealous of my grocery store excursions?

    And it’s okay to be lesbian like obsessed with me. I heard that’s totally healthy and stuff. And we all like to be healthy. Hahahahahaha

  4. *banging head on desk* Some people just don’t get it.

    Remember, you don’t even need a high school diploma to be a cashier. Maybe they need to change that.

  5. Kinda like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer — it feels really good when you stop….

  6. You are my new best friend. Well, my od one too, not that you are old…oh nevermind.

    I loved this post. In a hot lesbian sex kinda way.

  7. old, not od.

    Maybe odd. i dunno. it’s late.

    what?

  8. Ah who is this “Karen” commenter? Commenter? Hmmm, more like STALKER. Hahahahahaha. Now I’m dying. Oh wait, I’m old so of course I’m dying, no wait od, no wait, odd. No. Confused. No. Hungry. Gotta get my feedbag on. Later.

  9. I’m so with Tracy on this one. Why can’t really stupid stuff happen to me so I could write about funny stuff? Although, now that I think about it, I am almost positive I couldn’t make it sound as funny as you do! You rock!

  10. This is friggin’ brilliant, seriously. Expect an envelope filled with 36 pennies arriving via mail in the coming weeks.

    Mike

  11. Geez, I got stressed out just reading about it. Kudos to you for sticking it out.

  12. If your doorbell rings today, don’t answer it. It’s the cashier with your 36 cents and the dazed look on her face.

  13. ROFL.

    Really, how do you manage to get these crazy people all confused? You’ve mentioned how your beauty totally blinds people, but I’m thinking it makes ‘em down right brain dead :-)

  14. I’m not sure how I got here, but I’m glad I did. You are freakin hilarious!

  15. My gosh. That woman was nuts. She obviously needs to be monitored. My husband manages a grocery store. I’m bookmarking this for him to read later!

    Karen sent me over here…great read!

  16. TWO DOLLARS! (Anyone? Anyone? Hint: John Cusack) ha ha ha Omigod, that was painful, and I wasn’t even there. My husband is fond of quoting George Carlin when he said, “think of the 10 dumbest people you know. Now realize that HALF the population is DUMBER THAN THAT.”

  17. Mike, I’m waiting by my mailbox. Yup. I’m actually typing from my mailbox, waiting for your envelope. Don’t disappoint me.

  18. You may be very right Chris..lol

  19. That is incredibly funny! I would have gotten so mad I’d have taken the money she offered and walked out!

  20. ooooohhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyy goooooooooodddd!!! You are hilarious! Your cashier was hilarious! Why didn’t you stick that .36 in her eye and twist it??? I don’t know how I found your blog, either, but I’m bookmarking you now!!! Thanks for the laugh :)

  21. ha! I think at that point I would have taken the 36 cents and shoved it down her throat!





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