Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
I’m a chef now.

October 12, 2007


While shopping last weekend with my husband at Costco, I spied a crockpot. I looked at it and it says you can cook a meal in 3 easy steps. Sounds like my kind of contraption.

Honey, look at this. It’s a crockpot. I could make fabulous meals for us, you know, without sending any one of us to the emergency room with severe diarreah.

Ya. I don’t think so. Crockpots are for chefs. And you, are certainly no chef.

For chefs? Are you insane? What would be the point in making something like that for chefs? They all ready know how to cook.

It’s for people who know how to cook. So I don’t think we should waste the money.

Are you even listening to yourself? That makes no sense. If someone is a great cook why would they need a device that you throw food into and turn on? I mean how much easier could it be? Toss some meat in there, throw a few veggies and a bit of water and boom, gourmet meal!

You just throw bloody meat in with raw vegetables and it just cooks? Wouldn’t we get some kind of poisoning from the blood touching the veggies?

Ummm so? I mean that would be better than getting the trots that I may give you if I just winged it and cooked in a regular oven.

I guess so.

So we now have a crockpot, which I later learned is actually the brand name and it’s technically a slowcooker. I prefer to call it my new best friend. I prepared my first meal in it a couple of days ago. That bitch made a stupid old round roast into a tender, yummy piece of meat. Now if I could get it to do the laundry, I’d have sex with it. Did I say that out loud? I meant, I’d hug it. Yes, I’d hug my Crockpot slowcooker.

I did want to mention to anyone who is thinking about purchasing a Crockpot/slowcooker/miracle worker/best friend that it comes with some warnings, which I thought we should discuss, you know, so you can be protected. I’m nothing if at least not helpful.

1. Do not touch hot surfaces. I’m not sure if they are only referring to the slowcooker or just any hot surface in general. Either way, excellent advice.

2. Use an oven mitt when handling hot surfaces. Another piece of information that I never would have thought of all on my own. I normally just put my bare skin on extremely hot surfaces and see if I can withstand the heat. I sometimes get third degree burns but that’s the price you pay to learn your lesson.

3. To prevent electric shock, do not plug the slowcooker in water or any other liquid. I normally plug things in an outlet designed for plugs and thankfully they wrote this warning because I was going to bring the slowcooker in the shower with me. Cook and clean all at once.

4. Do not use outdoors. I was a bit upset about this one because I was going to bring it with me next time we go on a family hike and plug it in a big, sturdy tree and let our meal cook while we’re hoofin’ it up a mountain. Kinda spoiled the fun there but oh well, such is life.

5. Do not let children play in the CrockPot slowcooker. Right. I know my children were counting on getting in there and whoppin’ it up but mommy is gonna have to be mean and just put her foot down. Such a drag. I guess they’ll have to stick with their, umm, playroom.

There you have it. Solid, informative advice when cooking with a slowcooker. Don’t say I never gave you anything.

Posted by Sassy @ 10:57 amFood Disasters,Just Stuff.8 comments  

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8 Responses to “I’m a chef now.”

  1. Hilarious.

  2. Your such a card!!

  3. Tee-hee, I love your advice on the instructions!
    I LOVE my crock pot. Some people have problems, but the handy hint is to start well in advance, like for a really big roast? start it the afternoon before (because it takes a LONG time to heat up to temperature and start cooking.) You can cook it all night or (if you’re paranoid like me about leaving stuff on) put it away at night and then start it up again the next morning.
    Your welcome.

  4. I use my crockpot more than I use my husband.

  5. I *heart* my slow cooker. And as for the laundry, beat your husband enough times and he’ll start doing it for you…

  6. I love my slow cooker! In our big freak-out to pack up and move, I thought my husband packed mine away. He told me to calm down. “It’s in the cupboard, below, yeah, there.”


    Here are two recipes, in case you feel like experimenting (i’m sorry I don’t know how to do the coding the right way):




  7. Ooo thanks for the recipes! I feel like a mad scientist…hahahaa

  8. Don’t let children play in it?

    Damn, I’ll have to return the ones that I bought as gifts for the kids.

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