Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
Push it out. But do it all pretty.

October 17, 2007

I remember (sorta) giving birth to my first son. Hey, I was outta it for the most part. Back in the day, they gave you Demerol and it made me quesy and stoned.

Anyway, I was watching my soap opera yesterday, er, I mean I just happened to see this particular soap for the last 24 years and in one scene one of the main characters was giving birth. I had to laugh because her hair and makeup were perfectly done. I mean who does that? Who dolls themselves up before giving birth? Fine, I curled my hair and did my makeup moments after my water broke before heading to the hospital but give me a break. I was 19 and had no earthly idea that it would all be for nothing and I’d end up looking like a mostly drowned sewer rat. They didn’t teach that in Lamaze class.

As I was saying, in this particular scene, the ‘mom to be’ is looking like a model (albeit a plastic one…this bitch has had more work done than should be humanly allowed) and she’s not even sweating, even with pretend sweat and she’s letting her man hover over her like an annoying slobbering puppy and telling her how to push. Oh? You’re going to tell your wife (sure she’s your tv wife, but still) how to push an eight pound bowling ball out of her cooch? Pretty presumptious. Why can’t soaps portray childbirth as it really is? Woman is all sweaty and bitchy (although I was an angel, so I guess it could happen the tv way….blink blink blink), woman doesn’t want SO touching her, mauling her, talking to her, breathing around her, yells that it’s all ‘his’ fault for putting her in this pain, threatens to cut off his penis, swears she’s going to punch him in the balls just as soon as his spawn falls out of her birth canal, you know, all the sappy kinda stuff. Just once I’d like to see that on tv. Maybe someday that will happen.

Why am I discussing childbirth? Do I have a secret? Am I pregnant? Am I? Oh yes, I’m pregnant. With the pizza I ate too much of. Oink oink. And no I’m never watching this soap opera again except for right now and every day from here on out until I die because soap operas are dumb.

Posted by Sassy @ 12:45 pmJust Stuff.4 comments  

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4 Responses to “Push it out. But do it all pretty.”

  1. OMG, I watch that one sometimes, too, because it’s on right after the noon news and I’m fascinated with that chick’s Barbie Face. Wasn’t she skinny like, TWO weeks ago? And that one chick was TOTALLY with another dude. Did Soap Opera time suddenly speed ahead 6 months?

  2. Wicked funny post again.

  3. LOL too funny. You would think they could at least TRY to be sorta real….lol

  4. I just love TV Births. First it’s “Ooh!” a contraction. Then it’s “Ohhhhh” and the water breaks in some comic moment. Then it’s “ahhhhhh!” and the out of control woman is screaming her lungs out. Then it’s “Ungh!” and the on-her-back, lithotomy position woman is somehow working against biology and gravity to push a baby through an unnecessarily smushed pelvic opening which would be a full inch wider if she would stop sitting on her butt. Then, there’s all the glowing, and passing a quiet and brutally swaddled baby around to a whole bunch of people who are Not The Mama.

    It’s uh…I have issues.





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