Remember when Jimmy Kimmel’s girlfriend Sarah Silverman broke the news to him on his show that she was f*cking Matt Damon? If you don’t, you can see it HERE.
Well, Jimmy wasn’t going to sit back and let Sarah have her fun and leave him with nothing! So he’s plotted his revenge and it’s GOOD. Watch it HERE and be prepared to die - from laughing. Lots of celebrity guest appearances too, even Brad Pitt! Not for kids, but definately for adults with an awesome sense of humor.
Is it every day you can say you were hit in the head by a Calgary Flames player? The answer is no! However, I can totally say that. Cory Sarich hit me in the head (ah for non Flames fans, that is a photo of Iginla, because he’s hot my favourite). As for me being hit in the head by Sarich, read on:
We attended the Calgary Flames Skills Competetion back in January (yes I’m just now writing about it because I wanted to have pictures to show you and I had taken over 200 and just got them uploaded - hey I’ve been busy) and we were lucky enough to get seats directly behind where some of the team was sitting. There are different things going on during the Skills Competetion - obviously skill stuff, duh, but also things being thrown into the crowd, because let me tell you, that takes some talent.
There are T-shirts being thrown, chunks of ice, hockey sticks - naw, I’m kidding about the ice and sticks but they do throw other things besides shirts. As I’m sitting in my seat, minding my own business, taking some photos, I’m momentarily stunned by a sharp pain on the right side of my head and ear. I look over at my husband and oldest son, who I figured would be opening their mouths to ask me if I’m okay, because, clearly I was in pain. I do see them open their mouths but no words of sympathy come out. Instead my son is oviously quite thrilled.
Woo Hoo! Wow I can’t believe that!
What? What can’t you believe? I was hit in the head by something and man does it hurt.
Ya I know! Awesome eh?!
Awesome that I was hit in the head?
Ya!
Um, no not awesome. I think my ear is going to fall off.
Probably not but holy shit, that is awesome!
Why is it awesome? Explain to me how me in pain is awesome?
Duh, you got hit in the head with an autographed frisbee! Cory Sarich signed it and threw it and it hit you in the head and I caught it! Ya!
Well then, never mind my bleeding wounded half falling off ear, just as long as you got an autographed frisbee. Glad my ear and head could help.
Woo Hoo!
Ya, woo hoo.
Anyway, got some decent photos - I still had the glass to attend with but it was cool being that up-close. My favourite player is Iggy and a close second (my oldest son’s fav) is Dion Phaneuf. Here are a few pics and there’s more HERE.
…I’m apparently a liar because I got nothin’. Wait, I found this video - it’s a great lesson in learning the language of whatever country you’re in. I absolutely laughed my ass off. Definately not safe for young ears:
I decided, just for shits and giggles, to see who searched what to get to my blog. I, of course, get the usual “poop” searches. I’m not sure that’s exactly a good thing. A couple of searches did concern me though:
One (or rather several) search string was “dog tampons.” Please dog lovers/owners, tell me that there are not doggie tampons. I was way too scared to click any of the links. I’ve never in my life heard of such a thing. Who inserts them? Who takes them out? Wait - why am I asking these questions? Surely there is no such product as DOG TAMPONS. Right? *Shudder*
Another search string was concerning, but honestly, it really should concern the person typing it on Google. It was really, ah, perhaps the person should seek MEDICAL attention instead of sitting at their computer. They typed in “why is brown stuff leaking from my vagina.” I haven’t the foggiest idea and what’s even more puzzling is how they arrived here. I don’t even want to know. Seriously though, the words “leaking” and “vagina” in the same sentence is never good.
Speaking of vagina’s - no kidding, I have no more vajayjay talk. Well I mean I could but let’s save that for another day. Oh wait, Britney flashed her cooter again. Seriously, who forgets underwear that many times? How do I know this? I wrote about it for work. Sweet eh? Writing about Britney’s crotch helps me pay for things. Wow that sounds super creepy when I write it out like that. Sooo….anyone watch American Idol? What about Survivor? No, I’m not recapping, I was just asking.
Anyway, if anyone with a dog would kindly let me know if there really is such thing as dog tampons, that’d be great. I’m not sure why I feel the need to know but it’s one less mystery I have to worry about. I’m totally praying that there isn’t.
Okay listen, I’ve been lazy busy, so I put up a couple of videos for your entertainment. Hey, at least I was thinking of you. What have you done for me today? Yup, just what I thought.
I was busy working, painting, working some more, talking on the phone, painting, yawning, eating a bowl of icecream, working, and sleeping all day. That’s alot. I’ll probably have quite a bit more to say tomorrow since it’s Friday. You know what Friday means right? It means I’ll have more to say. Duh. Gotta S.P.E.L.L. it all out for you. I’m thoughtful like that.
Oh Survivor is on tonight and AI. Two shows were people get the boot for sucking! My kinda show.
I’m on the cover of People magazine - apparently they think of me as one of their ‘100 Most Beautiful.’ Um, ya. Be sure to pick up your copy. Actually I bought quite a few, so you can just send me $24.95 and I’ll get your copy out to you. Then, just because I’m a sweetheart, I’ll be on the corner of Main Street signing autographs. See you there.
I met the nicest girl the other night. I had stopped into Starbucks to grab my personal crack addiction favourite drink, a Strawberries ‘n cream and as I was waiting for it, I hear, “excuse me.”
I turn around and a young girl (she later told me she was 23 - holy, I’m almost old enough to be her mother - you know, if I had given birth at 2.) was sitting in the chair enjoying her own drink. She wanted to know what shampoo I use because she thought my hair looked so pretty and healthy. Can you imagine how nice it is to be stopped and told how fan-tabulous your hair is? I hated my hair growing up but did learn to love it. Anyway, I told her, then we went on to have a nice conversation about hair, celebrities (told her what I do), just stuff in general. We chatted for about 15 minutes before I had to go. It was just nice that two strangers could have a fun conversation.
I should have totally gotten her phone number! Then I could pester her to go to Starbucks with me. Then she would call the authorities for stalking. Then I’d have to go to court. Then I’d have spend time in jail. Then my hair would suck. Oh see, now that would be bad. Imaginative? Yes, yes I am.
Anyway, thanks to stranger girl for saying nice things about me.
Every Friday night, we usually go to a particular restaurant with all 4 kids. Since both of our vehicles are only five passenger, some of us go in hubby’s truck and the rest of us go in my SUV. However, sadly the story doesn’t end there.
It’s been bitterly cold here for a few days. When it’s bitterly cold, we plug our vehicles in. Again, sadly, story doesn’t end here either.
My husband and Matt, leave in the truck. Myself and the 3 other kids are a few minutes from going out the door. I start the SUV, run back in and get the two younger kids ready to leave. The four of us head out into the cold. I pull away from the front of our house, leave the cul-de-sac and drive down the street to the first stop sign. As I approach the stop sign, I look in my rear view mirror, and see another car behind me. I’m not quite to a complete stop yet but the driver starts blowing his horn. I’m thinking what a moron. Get a life buddy, I’ve not even stopped yet. And if he thinks I’m going to do one of those lame, half assed rolling semi stops, he can forget it. I’m stopping.
I make a right turn, head down to the lights. Buddy is following me, I guess going in the same general direction. As I’m approaching the lights, which are red for me, dude behind me starts blowing the horn. I’m slightly annoyed by this. Does he think I’m going to run the red light. Not happening shit head.
What is his freakin’ problem? I ask my oldest son.
I dunno. Want me to give him the finger?
No. He might have a gun.
What?
He might have a gun and get pissed off if we flip him off and shoot us.
Oh my god, paranoid much?
You just never know.
The light turns green and guy starts blowing his horn. Holy, what is his PROBLEM? It’s snowing out, roads are slippery and I’m being cautious but not driving that slow. Buddy needs to flippin’ chill.
I go through the green light and glance to my right and horn blower extraordinaire is beside me and this maniac is waving his fist around at me. Had I not had my children with me, not been driving a new-ish vehicle and had a wee bit more balls, I would have rammed my SUV against his shitty little beater.
My son is getting annoyed right along with me.
What is buddy’s prob?
I don’t know but he needs to get a life and stop harrassing me.
Hey, at the next red light, make sure you blow your horn if we’re behind him, you know, piss him off right back.
Okay, I’m not doing that. Again, he could have a gun and shoot us in the face through his back window.
Of course.
Crazy guy passes me, is now ahead of us at the next red light. I decide not to blow my horn, um, yes because I think he’s packing and is going to go all Clint Eastwood on our asses. We arrive at the restaurant, hubs and son arrive shortly after. We relay the story of a-hole blowing his horn, being totally obnoxious, waving his arms/fist around and tell the incident with great disgust for this guy. We eat our meal, which was yummy by the way and head home.
My husband goes out this morning to warm up his truck to take our sons to work. He comes back in and we have a conversation. This is going to be the part, where it may seem like I’m an idiot.
Hey, where’s my extension cord?
What extension cord?
Ah the one I use to plug in the vehicles.
Well the one you use for the truck hangs over the fence, so if it’s gone, then some asswipe stole it! Nice. Why do people feel the need to take other people’s stuff? Geez.
Um, the one I use for the truck is there, my truck was plugged in. I’m talking about the other one - the one that we plug the SUV in with.
The SUV?
Yes, the SUV.
Well duh, why would I take a big extension cord. I don’t need one. Why would I take it?
Well it’s not outside, plugged into the house. I plugged the SUV in yesterday, before we went out.
You did?
Yes, I did. I told you I did. And didn’t we just have this conversation a few days ago about you FORGETTING to unplug your vehicle before driving away? And how you wouldn’t do that? Remember?
Yes. Um, are you saying I possibly, maybe drove away with the car plugged in?
That’s what I’m saying. Perhaps buddy, who was being obnoxious wasn’t being obnoxious and maybe he was blowing his horn several times, waving his arms, his fists, blowing his horn some more, trying to get your attention because you were driving down the street DRAGGING A FIFTY FOOT BRIGHT YELLOW EXTENSION CORD BEHIND YOU.
Oh. I see where you’re going with that theory.
Ya, I don’t think it’s a theory, I’m pretty sure it’s a reality.
Oops.
Ya, oops.
See? Idiot. And I’m not talking about the dude blowing his horn. If you happen to see a big yellow extension cord out on your travels, um, it’s mine.
