I’ve been pregnant 845 times. Possibly only 5-ish but it sure felt like 845 times. I was overdue just about every single time, but the longest was my oldest son. I think. Let me explain.
I was 19, and pregnant for the first time (hope so at 19!) and I honestly knew not much about babies, having a baby, diapers, babies, or babies. I obviously knew how to get knocked up, knew where the baby was going to come out (HELP ME!) and assumed it would hurt like hell. However, as far as all of the technical jargon, the details, I was pretty naive.
I was sure I was pregnant in early January, but put off going to the doctor because I was afraid. By February, I was newly separated, still figuring I was pregnant but still not wanting to have it confirmed, but finally managed to make a doctor’s appointment. The obvious fact of me being with child was proven. The doctor wanted to know when my last period was.
I don’t know.
Do you have any idea?
I dunno. (at 19, I didn’t keep track of much)
A guess even?
I gave him a guess, which looking back was probably wrong, thus putting me in the upsetting situation of being 2 months overdue, or 4 weeks early, or being pregnant for 26 months (I’m getting to that).
I was given a due date of June 8th. Seemed okay I guess. Still officially spring time, so I wouldn’t be sweating up a storm with a hot, sultry summer baby. I had moved back home with my parents and siblings, worked until I was about 8 months pregnant (what I thought was 8 months pregnant) and then started my maternity leave. It wasn’t too bad - sat out and got tanned every day, helped my parents look after my younger siblings, did some shopping to get ready for baby, basically loafed around for what I thought was my final few weeks.
I went to all of my doctor’s appointments during the pregnancy, didn’t gain a lot of weight, still wore mini skirts and my hooker pumps and big hair (hey it was the 80’s) and felt okay for the most part. Of course by the first part of June, I was really, really hating pregnancy and didn’t understand women who gushed about loving pregnancy, how they felt sexy and beautiful blah blah blah. But I was comforted in the fact that my due date was June 8th and being naive, and not super knowledgable about babies and due dates in general, didn’t realize that due dates aren’t a guarantee that your baby will actually arrive on that given day.
I went to what I thought would be my last regular apointment before baby was to be born. Wrong. So very wrong. I remember being on the examining table, waiting for the doctor to come in to do that ever so uncomfortable “check of things down there,” and assuming (I did a lot of assuming back then) that he would say, “baaaabbbeeee time!” which he totally did not.
Doctor comes in and does the exam, listens to the heartbeat, checks my blood pressure, and then tells me he’ll be right back. He comes back with my chart and a “look” on his face. He clears his throat and matter of factly, tells me that although I was originally told that my due date was June 8th, he said that he was now putting me due around the middle of August.
Whaaaaaaaaaaa?
Things just aren’t where they’re supposed to be, and there’s no way that your due date is June 8th. You weren’t sure of your last period date were you? That makes a difference.
I, uh, I’m due in August? Shouldn’t you test me? My mom’s neighbor said that there’s a full moon soon, like in a few days and that the baby would come then. So, right?
Well some people believe in the old wives tale about babies being due and coming on or around the time of the full moon but since it’s only June, there’s no way that you’re having this baby now.
But I’m like due now. How can I be pregnant for like 11 months?
Doctor laughs.
I’m not laughing. My lip is quivering. I’m seriously thinking about punching the doctor in his old, fat face because there is no way I’m going to be pregnant for another 2 months. It was horrible enough that my shoes were becoming tight and my days of wearing my beloved high heels were coming to a horrible end and the thought of wearing stupid flip flops was making me nauseous. Plus, just because he’s a doctor, and an old one at that, doesn’t mean he knows about babies and pregnant chicks. Sure he was an ob/gyn and had been for 100 years, but still, he didn’t know everything. Like, my determination not to be pregnant for another 2 months was overwhelming and I was going to get this baby out.
I left the office feeling very sad, so sad that I stopped for icecream on the way home. What did doctors know anyway? They were just regular people with white coats and medical instruments in their offices. Big deal.
Since this was not the land of computers or the world wide web, it’s not like I could just go home and google shit about babies and shit. I had to call people and ask them questions. Like could the doctor be right? Could I infact be pregnant for another 2 months? Yes, I was assured that that could actually be correct. Why? Well dear, when you don’t know your dates, then the doctors can’t know your dates. Sure they can guestimate, and give you a basic idea with an ultrasound but it’s not a guarantee. It’s not? No, sadly, it’s not.
By the first part of July, I was so sick of being pregnant, I decided to become creative and make the baby fall out. Yes, I seriously thought babies could just fall out in the right circumstances. And no, not because my vagina was huge.
My friends, who by the way, were not mothers nor were they ever pregnant, gave me some suggestions, to which I gladly decided I would try. One friend told me that her mom had drank a bottle of ketchup and then a few hours later had her. I ate one tablespoon and barfed. But unfortunately I didn’t barf a baby out. Just the ketchup. I was told that skipping rope would induce labour. I had a skipping rope and after about 56 jumps, realized, that doing that was not going to make baby fall out. It just gave me heartburn. I was told sleeping on my stomach would make the baby uncomfortable and then it would want to come out. Nope. Just made me uncomfortable because what 89th month pregnant lady can sleep on her stomach? Not one. I dare you to find me one.
One friend held a “let’s get this baby out” party - which only she and I attended. The baby didn’t even make an appearance. Someone told me to watch a scary movie and that would make the baby active, thus making me go into labour. Nope, the scary movie didn’t work. Just made me pee my pants. Another person told me to have sex. Uh, I didn’t have anyone in my life to have sex with, and that’s what got me in this mess to begin with, duh, I’m not dumb.
The month of June goes by in a blur of trying stupid, not working things to try to get the baby out and before I knew it, it was July.
Monday, July 13th, I went to another doctor’s appointment. I was resigned to the fact that, at 19, I would be in the record books of being pregnant for the longest time ever. Considering most women have their babies within 9 months, give or take, I was going to be 11 months pregnant by the time the middle of August rolled around.
As I sat on the table in the office, I wondered if Guiness would be calling me and wanting photographs of the chick who was pregnant for nearly a year? Should I get a new tent to wear? The doctor comes in and it’s not my regular doctor, new doctor introduces himself and explains that my doc is away for a few days. We do the whole routine of small talk while he checks my vajayjay, he finishes (that sounds gross) and tells me to get dressed and he’ll be right back. He comes back a few minutes later and says that everything looks good and that I’m dilated and my cervix is soft.
What? I’m what? My what is what? Is that normal?
Yes, it’s normal and it means that your body is getting ready to have the baby.
Whaaaaaa? Really? Like when?
He laughs.
What is it with doctors laughing at their pregnant patients?
It means that yes, you’re very close to having the baby.
Could I have it right now? Well, I don’t mean like right in the office, but soon right?
Yes, maybe even tonight. (laughs)
For real? Like tonight?
Well, don’t get your hopes up, I was half kidding about tonight, but baby seems ready and things are moving along nicely, so it will be soon.
So, like I won’t be pregnant for another month?
No, no, no. You’ll have that baby within a week. I almost kissed this new, unfamiliar baby doctor!
Instead, I almost shit myself. I went home that day and it was sorta like winning the lottery. My water broke on July 14th around 2 a.m. and 8 long hours later, I did win the lottery. My first son was born.
To Sam, who is 567 days overdue (okay, maybe only 6, but I bet it feels like 567 days), my point is, that baby will come out eventually (I hear you’re being induced!) and that baby will be so worth the very long, impatient, uncomfortable, did I mention very long? wait. Good luck, and happy birthday to your baby.
So, I was either 2 months overdue, 4 weeks early, or right on time. Depends on who you ask.
I know I’m saying WTF a lot lately, but really, WTF? Did you watch the season ender of CSI Miami? I’m not happy (or am I?). I’m going to give away the ending, so stop now if you’ve not seen it because I WILL be ruining it for you. Oh and I’ve totally figured out the season opener for September.
I love CSI Miami - or more importantly Horatio. I’m not sure why, I can’t answer that question. There’s something about his cheesy one-liners that keep me riveted to the television. When he just gives us ‘that’ look after taking off his sunglasses (or putting them on), it’s like I’m hypnotized. Call me weird, but I’m openly admitting it.
The show ended with Caine having been apparently shot and then lying seemingly dead on the airport tarmac and then we see Ryan Wolfe get a text message saying, “it’s done,” in reference to the bad dude in prison saying he wants Horatio dead. Oh the mystery! And we also see prior to this - Horatio’s son with a gun, perhaps implying that his kid shot him?
Okay, first, I’m suggesting you don’t get your panties in a bunch like I did when I first watched it. I’m an amateur detective and I think I’ve figured out what’s happening. Horatio is not dead (duh) because the star of the show isn’t going to be killed off, unless, you know, CBS wants the SHOW TO DIE. Like it or not, David Caruso IS CSI Miami.
Anyway, here’s my shot at it (no pun) - Horatio is faking his death so he can go after the bad guys and get rid of them, uh, illegally. As in shoot ‘em up and bury the bodies. He’s going to go into the depths of hell to get them. And the text message to Ryan - it’s from Horatio! Horatio wants Wolfe to know he’s ‘now dead’ (pretend dead) so he can play the part of the grieving co-worker. Totally figured this one out! No need to thank me - well you can send cash to show some gratitude.
Oh how I can’t wait until September to see if my theory is on the money. And would someone please bed Emily? That chick needs to get laid, she’s a tad too serious. Just sayin’.
In case you missed it, here’s the last couple of mins:
I love me some Desperate Housewives. I’m glad my life isn’t quite as complicated as theirs but I sure like living it vicariously through my TV every Sunday at 7 p.m.
Last night’s finale - well let me just say I am not a happy camper. If you’ve not watched it yet because you were too drunk (on a Sunday? Nice.) and have it ready to go on Tivo, skip on out because I’m discussing what happened and the ending - which I HATED by the way.
Okay nutjob Kayla (Yes it’s not nice to call kids names but I am anyway) was sent packing after Tom had the psychologist listen in on the conversation where Kayla admits to Tom she had made the stories up about Lynette. Bah bye. Is anyone going to get this kid help? Who knows, because she’s not coming back to the show next season. I’m a tad concerned we’re left hanging about Lynette and Tom’s boys SETTING FIRE TO A RESTAURANT. Oh that little thing? Nah, we’ll just move on. Sure it’s a show, but OMG come on.
Seriously, could Susan be any more dense? Maynard is a ridiculous name (no offense to anyone named Maynard) and Connor is a cute name - why couldn’t Susan, as a mom with a new, sweet baby, put her foot down and say to Mike, we’ll name our son Connor and his MIDDLE name can be Maynard. Or don’t people have middle names on Wisteria Lane? Duh. I want to smack her sometimes.
I was very upset when we found out that Dylan (well the real Dylan) accidently died when she tried to retrieve a doll that her mother (Katherine) had put up on a book shelf and the book shelf fell on her. And what does Katherine do? Oh she and her aunt bury the kid in the woods. Then Katherine goes to a Romanian orphanage and just gets a Dylan look-a-like to fill her place. Ya, that’s what most moms would do. Again, it’s a show and usually I go with the flow, but really, that was so…cold?
Bree still won’t forgive Orson for trying to run Mike over (well she does in the “flash forward show”) and that makes me laugh because didn’t Bree’s kid run over Carlos’ mother way back when and the woman died? She didn’t have any problem with that little detail. Ya, Mike didn’t even die Bree - so why not take Orson back? Pot, meet the kettle. Ya. The whole pot and the kettle thing. Get my drift Bree?
Katherine shoots Wayne - Fake Dylan forgives her mother for lying (she’s not coming back to next season’s show) and all the ladies from Wisteria Lane cover for Katherine, so she’s in, she’s one of them now, which I liked. Nothing says friendship more than getting help from your neighbors after you’ve shot your abusive ex-husband kind of illegally.
Where the hell was Edie? She’s apparently leaving the show but last weeks episode was our final goodbye to the bitch? Say it isn’t so! We need a bitch (well Gabby’s a bitch, but a princess bitch and that’s different). We need us some conniving Edie! Please give us more Edie, even just a smidge.
I have to say I was not happy about the five years into the future. I know a lot of people LOVED it, but I HATED it. Tom and Lynette have raised delinquents (no shit) and we see at least two of their boys are in trouble with the law. Gee maybe it’s the fact that you two let your boys get away with burning down a building? Just grasping at straws. But hey, at least Tom and Lynette are still together.
Hopefully Bob and Lee will be back next season - those two crack me up. Love them. Bree managed to pull off their committment ceremony. Of course she did!
Bree is some sort of Martha Stewart-like big wig with a tight bun and business suit, and her son is perhaps her assistant/manager? That totally seems like it’s a good fit and we know that she’s back with Orson because in their final scene, he’s upstairs “drawing” her a bath. That made me happy. I mean if you can forgive your kid for a hit and run (and killing an old woman), then you can damn well forgive your husband for an attempted hit and run murder scenerio. Totally.
Katherine’s fake Dylan gets engaged (we hear it on the phone) but she’s not returning to Wisteria Lane. Katherine will be back next season but not sure if Adam will be a part of her life.
Gabby has packed on some weight and has a couple of kids - who are not what you’d expect Gabby’s kids to be (perfect right?) - should be funny BUT they have to put Gabby back to her usual princess/wench/bitch self because sorry, someone like Gabby isn’t going to start wearing sweatpants and let her hair go. Not happening. I want my princess back. Not that I can relate to the princess thing. Absolutely I can.
Susan’s daughter Julie, is off to Princeton and off the show. She’s not coming back next season. Hard to say how Susan will do without her - she’s a bumbling idiot without the help of her 18-year-old daughter normally, so does this mean Susan will be even dumber next season?
And the kicker? Susan walks in her front door, exclaims to her honey she’s home and some dude that ISN’T Mike starts kissing her (guy from Queer As Folk). That, I did NOT like one little bit. And where’s the baby with the awful name? Where’s little Maynard, who’d be five now? Did he and Mike die in a car crash (I will HATE it if that’s true), did Mike get hooked on prescription drugs again? Did he go to jail? Not a happy camper. I get that the writers wanted to stir things up - but hello? You CAN’T get rid of Mike. Well you can, it’s your show, but I highly recommend against it. The fans want Mike!
There you have it, we have to wait until September to find out if this was all some sort of dream, or if we get to see what happened in those five years or if we just start fresh from the five years. I want answers dammit! I’m highly impatient I tell you!
Here’s a vid of the last few minutes - I’m not watching it again because the whole ‘Susan is kissing someone other than Mike’ is pissing me off.
I watch a fair amount of movies - my favs are ’scare the shit out of you’ kinda movies, doesn’t necessarily have to be gory, but I want to jump out of my skin mmkay?
Have you seen the movie Cloverfield? If you have, my condolences. If not, I’m going to save you a raging migraine and the urge to vomit. Oh - you don’t barf because it’s gory, oh no, it’s worse than that.
The basic movie premise - if you seriously want to see this, stop reading now, because I am going to have spoilers, which really aren’t spoilers because anyone with an IQ of higher than say 3, can figure out the plotline (?) and ending (?).
I had read comments on the internet about how crappy this movie was, but no, I can’t listen. I just have to find out for myself, can’t take anyone’s word for it. Nope, not me. I will say, you may want to take a motion sickness pill (or 5) before watching the film and maybe not eat. A full stomach probably won’t be good.
I’m not sure what exactly you call the style of camera work that was used for the movie - wait, SHITTY? Is that the word I’m looking for? I get the fact that the movie maker wanted a feeling of ’some guy filming the horror that took place’ because that’s the general plotline - some average joe with his best friend’s video camera “documenting” the night before his friend is to go away to Japan for some job or hookers (I forget). However, even myself, as an average chick with a video camera can do a way better job than the assclown in the movie. Seriously, the WHOLE movie is shot with motion that is so whacked out, you get dizzy in the first 5 minutes. A dog with NO LEGS and a HAND held video camera could have done a better job. Sure, wiggle the camera around once in awhile, to give it that average dude filming sorta feeling but really, the whole Blair Witch Project movie making is so 1990’s. It’s done.
The acting - oh the acting. The main character, can’t remember his name, even though I watched it 6 hours ago, was okay. He wasn’t horrible and was relatively cute, so that helped. The guy “shooting” the video in the movie, uh, not really cute and he tried to be funny (I think?) and it didn’t work. And really, these people, should have been a bit more weirded out due to the fact that there’s a giant alien/serpent/lizard/snake creature torturing the residents of New York City. Oh and there were some other creatures - looked like giant mosquitos, with a shark’s mouth and they ate people. Do I even need to keep talking about this?
I’m still fighting the migraine that this movie gave me. I know, I should have stopped watching it but every 2 minutes, I was sure it was going to improve. Sadly, it did not. If I wanted a pounding headache, I really could have just stabbed myself with a screwdriver or smashed my head on a brick. Same difference. I lost one hour and 13 minutes of my life that I cannot get back! Can I get a refund? Sadly no, but I am thankful I wasn’t one of the poor suckers who actually paid big bucks to watch this in a movie theater. I can’t even imagine watching this on a giant screen. I had read that some people, after seeing it at theater, had to leave because they were actually tossing their cookies. I totally believe it.
Let’s wrap up because even talking of it 6 hours after the fact, is making me dizzy all over again. If you want to feel nauseous, dizzy and end up with a sickening headache, go rent it now! Oh and if you’re into crap acting, then another good reason to get it. And let’s not forget the whole premise of the movie - dumb. The ending sucks too - all of the main characters die by the way (told you to stop reading way up there, so don’t get pissy at me), and you don’t really know if they contained the creature or if it ate the whole world. See? Suckage. Seriously, you’d have more fun if you took an hour and shoved peanuts up your nose. Take my word for it.
Sure, this “advice” might not seem very conventional, but I guarantee you’ll want to use it.
Ear plugs. Invest in some. Of course you can’t ignore baby’s cries, but once the second baby becomes a toddler, and your older child is not quite a toddler, you’ll want them. When the fighting over the Cheerios starts, the “she/he touched me,” the meltdowns from not one child but two, you will want those ear plugs. Home Depot or Walmart.
A good lock for your bathroom door. Again, we’re basing this on, when your children are slightly older (because ignoring a screaming baby is, uh, wrong, I’m pretty sure). When they’ve spilled cereal on the floor, taken markers to your freshly painted walls (uh, well not that you’ll have time to paint, but in the event that you do), when the youngest has licked the dog bowl, and when the older child has put daddy’s underwear on the younger child’s head, you head for the bathroom, LOCK THE DOOR, and start running the water in the tub. No - not to clean the kids up - it’s for you. Your TWO children will come pounding on the door, but you “can’t hear them due to the running water.” It gives you a few minutes to get your wits about you, get clean in the process and feel free to also use those ear plugs in combination with the running water excuse.
Wine. You don’t drink? Oh you’ll want to start. Of course the wine drinking should probably come in after you’re done breastfeeding your child and I don’t recommend getting sloshed while caring for your children, but a slight buzz every now and then does help you to retain some of your sanity. Now you’ll have lost some of whatever sanity you did have left during the second time giving birth, trying to juggle a toddler and a newborn and one child screaming that he or she pooped on the cat and a crying infant, demanding to be fed NOW, but you’ll want to preserve whatever sane brain cells you have left. Remember - slight buzz perfectly acceptable.
Demand that your husband/SO/partner have his cell phone on at all times, even during his important business meetings. There will be times when you’ll need to call him and ask him to GET HIS MOTHER EFFING ASS HOME NOW BEFORE I KILL SOMEONE. Think of it as your own personal “help line.” Trust me, he’ll want the mother of his children to be as happy as possible if he ever plans to get laid again.
Chocolate. Have a few pieces of chocolate hidden around the home. You’ll be out of wine at some point and you’ll want a backup. Be sure to put some in your closet - you will find yourself hidding in there periodically.
Bleach. To clean up the crime scene. Oh no, no, no, not THAT kind of crime scene. The poop one. Your toddler will try to help you “change the baby” and this will happen when your infant has had an explosive poop - you remember those from your first child. It’s just now, it’s happening to your second child and your first child has decided to take little brother or sister’s diaper off (while you’ve left the room for those precious 10 seconds) and it’s turned into the most disgusting mess you’ve ever had to deal with to date. Probably should have a hose, gloves and bio-hazard suit thingy.
Headache pills. Self explanatory.
A good, trustworthy babysitter. You WILL want a night out. ALOT.
I hope I’ve not scared you. Seriously, it’s not that hard going from one to two. You’ll be slightly more on edge for the first few months with a second child, a little crazier overall, and have less thinking ability but there are good points too. I mean, twice the love and giggles, and once your second child is no longer a newborn, you will actually start to relax a bit. Remember when your first born used to suck on a pacifier and that pacifier fell on the floor or ground and you immediately grabbed a freshly boiled, sterilized one? Well those days are gone! With your second baby, you’ll wipe it off on your shirt and say, “listen kid, no one ever died from a little dirt.” See? More relaxed. And another good point - once you have two kids, it’s way easier to get on to the third, fourth or fifth. You’ll survive the hurdle of going from one to two, and if not, I hear prison is more like a swanky camp now.
Good luck, happy birthing, and congrats on going from A CHILD to CHILDREN.
