May 19, 2008

I love me some Desperate Housewives. I’m glad my life isn’t quite as complicated as theirs but I sure like living it vicariously through my TV every Sunday at 7 p.m.

Last night’s finale – well let me just say I am not a happy camper. If you’ve not watched it yet because you were too drunk (on a Sunday? Nice.) and have it ready to go on Tivo, skip on out because I’m discussing what happened and the ending – which I HATED by the way.

Okay nutjob Kayla (Yes it’s not nice to call kids names but I am anyway) was sent packing after Tom had the psychologist listen in on the conversation where Kayla admits to Tom she had made the stories up about Lynette. Bah bye. Is anyone going to get this kid help? Who knows, because she’s not coming back to the show next season. I’m a tad concerned we’re left hanging about Lynette and Tom’s boys SETTING FIRE TO A RESTAURANT. Oh that little thing? Nah, we’ll just move on. Sure it’s a show, but OMG come on.

Seriously, could Susan be any more dense? Maynard is a ridiculous name (no offense to anyone named Maynard) and Connor is a cute name – why couldn’t Susan, as a mom with a new, sweet baby, put her foot down and say to Mike, we’ll name our son Connor and his MIDDLE name can be Maynard. Or don’t people have middle names on Wisteria Lane? Duh. I want to smack her sometimes.

I was very upset when we found out that Dylan (well the real Dylan) accidently died when she tried to retrieve a doll that her mother (Katherine) had put up on a book shelf and the book shelf fell on her. And what does Katherine do? Oh she and her aunt bury the kid in the woods. Then Katherine goes to a Romanian orphanage and just gets a Dylan look-a-like to fill her place. Ya, that’s what most moms would do. Again, it’s a show and usually I go with the flow, but really, that was so…cold?

Bree still won’t forgive Orson for trying to run Mike over (well she does in the “flash forward show”) and that makes me laugh because didn’t Bree’s kid run over Carlos’ mother way back when and the woman died? She didn’t have any problem with that little detail. Ya, Mike didn’t even die Bree – so why not take Orson back? Pot, meet the kettle. Ya. The whole pot and the kettle thing. Get my drift Bree?

Katherine shoots Wayne – Fake Dylan forgives her mother for lying (she’s not coming back to next season’s show) and all the ladies from Wisteria Lane cover for Katherine, so she’s in, she’s one of them now, which I liked. Nothing says friendship more than getting help from your neighbors after you’ve shot your abusive ex-husband kind of illegally.

Where the hell was Edie? She’s apparently leaving the show but last weeks episode was our final goodbye to the bitch? Say it isn’t so! We need a bitch (well Gabby’s a bitch, but a princess bitch and that’s different). We need us some conniving Edie! Please give us more Edie, even just a smidge.

I have to say I was not happy about the five years into the future. I know a lot of people LOVED it, but I HATED it. Tom and Lynette have raised delinquents (no shit) and we see at least two of their boys are in trouble with the law. Gee maybe it’s the fact that you two let your boys get away with burning down a building? Just grasping at straws. But hey, at least Tom and Lynette are still together.

Hopefully Bob and Lee will be back next season – those two crack me up. Love them. Bree managed to pull off their committment ceremony. Of course she did!

Bree is some sort of Martha Stewart-like big wig with a tight bun and business suit, and her son is perhaps her assistant/manager? That totally seems like it’s a good fit and we know that she’s back with Orson because in their final scene, he’s upstairs “drawing” her a bath. That made me happy. I mean if you can forgive your kid for a hit and run (and killing an old woman), then you can damn well forgive your husband for an attempted hit and run murder scenerio. Totally.

Katherine’s fake Dylan gets engaged (we hear it on the phone) but she’s not returning to Wisteria Lane. Katherine will be back next season but not sure if Adam will be a part of her life.

Gabby has packed on some weight and has a couple of kids – who are not what you’d expect Gabby’s kids to be (perfect right?) – should be funny BUT they have to put Gabby back to her usual princess/wench/bitch self because sorry, someone like Gabby isn’t going to start wearing sweatpants and let her hair go. Not happening. I want my princess back. Not that I can relate to the princess thing. Absolutely I can.

Susan’s daughter Julie, is off to Princeton and off the show. She’s not coming back next season. Hard to say how Susan will do without her – she’s a bumbling idiot without the help of her 18-year-old daughter normally, so does this mean Susan will be even dumber next season?

And the kicker? Susan walks in her front door, exclaims to her honey she’s home and some dude that ISN’T Mike starts kissing her (guy from Queer As Folk). That, I did NOT like one little bit. And where’s the baby with the awful name? Where’s little Maynard, who’d be five now? Did he and Mike die in a car crash (I will HATE it if that’s true), did Mike get hooked on prescription drugs again? Did he go to jail? Not a happy camper. I get that the writers wanted to stir things up – but hello? You CAN’T get rid of Mike. Well you can, it’s your show, but I highly recommend against it. The fans want Mike!

There you have it, we have to wait until September to find out if this was all some sort of dream, or if we get to see what happened in those five years or if we just start fresh from the five years. I want answers dammit! I’m highly impatient I tell you!

Here’s a vid of the last few minutes – I’m not watching it again because the whole ‘Susan is kissing someone other than Mike’ is pissing me off.

Happy Monday.

May 17, 2008

I watch a fair amount of movies – my favs are ’scare the shit out of you’ kinda movies, doesn’t necessarily have to be gory, but I want to jump out of my skin mmkay?

Have you seen the movie Cloverfield? If you have, my condolences. If not, I’m going to save you a raging migraine and the urge to vomit. Oh – you don’t barf because it’s gory, oh no, it’s worse than that.

The basic movie premise – if you seriously want to see this, stop reading now, because I am going to have spoilers, which really aren’t spoilers because anyone with an IQ of higher than say 3, can figure out the plotline (?) and ending (?).

I had read comments on the internet about how crappy this movie was, but no, I can’t listen. I just have to find out for myself, can’t take anyone’s word for it. Nope, not me. I will say, you may want to take a motion sickness pill (or 5) before watching the film and maybe not eat. A full stomach probably won’t be good.

I’m not sure what exactly you call the style of camera work that was used for the movie – wait, SHITTY? Is that the word I’m looking for? I get the fact that the movie maker wanted a feeling of ’some guy filming the horror that took place’ because that’s the general plotline – some average joe with his best friend’s video camera “documenting” the night before his friend is to go away to Japan for some job or hookers (I forget). However, even myself, as an average chick with a video camera can do a way better job than the assclown in the movie. Seriously, the WHOLE movie is shot with motion that is so whacked out, you get dizzy in the first 5 minutes. A dog with NO LEGS and a HAND held video camera could have done a better job. Sure, wiggle the camera around once in awhile, to give it that average dude filming sorta feeling but really, the whole Blair Witch Project movie making is so 1990’s. It’s done.

The acting – oh the acting. The main character, can’t remember his name, even though I watched it 6 hours ago, was okay. He wasn’t horrible and was relatively cute, so that helped. The guy “shooting” the video in the movie, uh, not really cute and he tried to be funny (I think?) and it didn’t work. And really, these people, should have been a bit more weirded out due to the fact that there’s a giant alien/serpent/lizard/snake creature torturing the residents of New York City. Oh and there were some other creatures – looked like giant mosquitos, with a shark’s mouth and they ate people. Do I even need to keep talking about this?

I’m still fighting the migraine that this movie gave me. I know, I should have stopped watching it but every 2 minutes, I was sure it was going to improve. Sadly, it did not. If I wanted a pounding headache, I really could have just stabbed myself with a screwdriver or smashed my head on a brick. Same difference. I lost one hour and 13 minutes of my life that I cannot get back! Can I get a refund? Sadly no, but I am thankful I wasn’t one of the poor suckers who actually paid big bucks to watch this in a movie theater. I can’t even imagine watching this on a giant screen. I had read that some people, after seeing it at theater, had to leave because they were actually tossing their cookies. I totally believe it.

Let’s wrap up because even talking of it 6 hours after the fact, is making me dizzy all over again. If you want to feel nauseous, dizzy and end up with a sickening headache, go rent it now! Oh and if you’re into crap acting, then another good reason to get it. And let’s not forget the whole premise of the movie – dumb. The ending sucks too – all of the main characters die by the way (told you to stop reading way up there, so don’t get pissy at me), and you don’t really know if they contained the creature or if it ate the whole world. See? Suckage. Seriously, you’d have more fun if you took an hour and shoved peanuts up your nose. Take my word for it.