August 29, 2008

As you can see by the look on my face and I’ve marked it out for you, that photo is representative of how I came off towards the checkout lady at the grocery store today. Why? Because the freaks love me. And I have to pretend to love them back.

I only had to pick up a few things and thought, that I’d be out of there in no time at all. Of course I’m delusional, because I get the moronic cashiers. I should know that by now. I get the ones that make no sense and have less than ZERO common sense.

I put all of my items up on the counter, cashier is scanning them, the prices are coming up on the cash register/computer and things are sailing along just dandy. Of course there’s got to be a glitch.

Cashier scans a bag of sugar - just regular white, granulated sugar. The kind that makes your ass fat. It’s $1.99 for the small bag, which is what I had. It’s also labeled as SUGAR. It rings up as $1.99. Cashier says to me, “what is this?”

“It’s sugar.” I continue to bag my stuff.

“But what is it?”

“It’s white sugar.” I can feel that tingling sensation - and no, not a good tingling sensation. The sensation that makes my arms get twitchy, because I want to take a swing at her. Please, just let me be on my way.

“Ya, but what is it?”

“It’s sugar. White. White sugar.” I’m surprised my eyeballs didn’t fall out of my head because I was rolling them SO.HARD.

“White sugar?”

“Yes, white sugar. Is there a problem? I saw it ring up as $1.99 and that’s the price that’s marked on the shelf.”

“No problem, I just don’t know what catagory to put it under?”

“Catagory? What do you mean? I saw it ring up correctly.”

“Ya, but I don’t know if I should put it under, you know, fruits or candy or grocery.”

“Isn’t that already determined if it rings up correctly? And um, ya it’s not a fruit.” Whaaaaaat?

“You’re probably right.”

“Ya, probably.” OH.MY.GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

“Do you have anything under your cart? I’m required to ask you.”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Ya.”

“Sorry, but I have to ask because sometimes people forget things on the bottom of their cart and then they walk out without paying and that’s basically stealing.”

“Basically.”

“So you said ‘no’ right?”

“No.”

“No you didn’t say no, or no you didn’t say yes?”

“Ya.” Oh revenge is Swaaaa - eeeeeet.

“No you don’t have anything under your cart or you do?”

“Right.”

She gave up then. She stood on her tip toes to glance at my cart and must have been satisfied with the results because she didn’t ask me again.

Ya, don’t mess with the master, betch. I’ll cut you.

August 17, 2008

See for yourself. Don’t take my word for it - look at the photos and be the judge. Hey, what can I say? The milkman wasn’t pretty. (If you’re someone surfing the world wide weeeeeb, and come across this, don’t tell your friends that you found some chick’s site and that she said her kids are ugly and OMG she must be a crap mom - I’m kidding. Look up ’sarcasm’ and you’ll see my photo. Kthxbai)

August 16, 2008

Isn’t that a sweet photo? Ya, thought so. My girlfriend, who ‘loves me like a sister’ (feel the same way!) brought her middle daughter over yesterday so she could sleepover. My daughter Maddy (pictured on the left) and Gracie are just such great friends. They are a lot alike, which being a couple of divas, you’d think they would fight like cats and dogs - or divas. And they both have very strong personalities….But nope, they get along so well it’s almost scary.

I took the girls shopping yesterday and since I’m used to shopping for only one girl (and three boys), it was a treat really. Anyone who knows me, knows I sorta, kinda have a slight addiction to shopping. And I love shopping for girls and making purchases for two, was, well, double the fun.

I also had the pleasure of listening to their conversations, which are quite interesting to say the least. One is almost 8 (going on 18) and the other is 7 (going on 17)….slightly scary.

Maddy: OMG, like, I so want a convertable (after seeing one pass us on the road)!

Gracie: OMG, I know, me too! My mom wants to get me a punch-buggy, but I don’t like those.

Maddy: Me either! Like, my brother Ryan loves punch-buggies but I hate them.

Gracie: Ya, I know.

Maddy: We should pretend we are sisters all day. That will be so fun!

Gracie: I know, let’s do it. I want to be your sister.

Maddy: But we have different hair color, is that gonna suck?

Gracie: No it won’t. My sisters at home don’t really have the same color hair as me and like, we’re still sisters.

Maddy: Ya, you’re like right. OMG I wish you were my sister for real.

Gracie: Ya, me too. OMG I love that top!

Maddy: OMG, that is sooo pretty. I’ll ask my mom if she can, like, buy them for us. We’ll be like sisters who like wearing the same kind of clothes.

Gracie: Okay!

Mom bought them the shirts. And matching skirts. And matching hoodies. And matching socks. *Ahem*

Proceed to checkout….Madison starts talking to the lady waiting at the counter and telling her their life stories, all the while pretending they are sisters…

Maddy: OMG, this is gonna be so cool us having the same clothes. But my shirt like yours - mine is the pink one and yours is the green one are like two different sizes because I’m taller than you so I needed the medium and you needed the small but our skirts are both size 6X and our socks are like the same size because there is no size.

Gracie: I know, I like the skirts and the shirts are the same except they are like different colors, but that’s okay. Our hoodies are exactly the same. And we don’t want to wait until school starts to wear these because we want to match now.

Maddy: Ya, we want to match now.

Maddy: Um, you’re like my best friend.

Gracie: You’re mine too. I have other best friends.

Maddy: Ya, me too. I have like five best friends and you’re one of them. My mom said it’s okay to have more than one best friend because people have enough room in their hearts to like, love a lot of people and stuff.

Gracie: Ya, I have like a million best friends. Well, my whole class is my best friend. Except two stinky boys. They’re so not my best friends. Just the rest of the class.

Maddy: I know a couple of boys that I don’t like very much and no way would they EVER be my best friends. Never. OMG it’s so fun pretending to be sisters.

Gracie: I know, I wish I could sleepover for like a whole weekend because my sister Hanna got to go with auntie to spend the whole weekend and like I want to do that at your house.

Maddy: I know, maybe my mom will let us do that next weekend.

Gracie: I want to do that. My sister gets to go for the whole weekend and it should be fair so I should get to stay for a whole weekend.

Maddy: Ya things have to be like fair.

Gracie: Can we go in the pool later?

Maddy: Ya my mom said we could. I got two new bathing suits, well one is a bikini and the other is just a one-piece. They’re both green but I think the one-piece one is going to be too big. It’s like a size 8, but I really only take a 6X and sometimes a 7 but they didn’t have those sizes so my mom said get the 8 and if it’s too big, it’s okay. So I picked that one. I like your new sneakers.

Gracie: Thanks I like them too. I like your Hannah Montana sandals. You got those because you like Hannah Montana right?

Maddy: Ya, I like that show. I saw the Hannah Montana 3D movie at the theaters.

Gracie: I did too. I liked it. I like Hannah Montana, we watch that show all the time. Like a lot.

Maddy: Me too.

Gracie: I want to go to McDonalds. Your mom said she would take us.

Maddy: Ya she said she would. And I so want to get in the pool when we get home. It’s so hot out.

Gracie: I know. I have a pair of Hannah Montana sunglasses.

Maddy: Ya, me too.

I could go on, but like, you get the drift. The whole day, the two of them were chatty cathies and I’m sure they drove my son up the wall. He managed to keep himself occupied luckily. He did a lot of eye rolling and such.

The girls finally fell asleep around midnight and woke at 9 this morning - I could hear them upstairs giggling. They came down a short time later, once again dressed in matching outfits. Oh the life of little girl best friends!

August 1, 2008

Did I say 41? Silly me - I meant 26, seeing as I turned 25 last year. Duh.

You’re probably wondering what I did on my special day. Let me share the exciting details: I woke with a migraine, which, I thought, was a wicked awesome way to wake up and start the day, especially on THE DAY THAT I WAS BORN.

Then, my laptop must have been pms-ing because she (?) was slower than hell and royally pissing me off. My kids didn’t sleep in and my husband was home doing paperwork and small renovations that we are in the middle of, thus causing me to be in a funk because my usual morning routine was slightly disrupted.

None of my children or my husband realized it was my birthday - not that that’s necessarily a bad thing, because once you’re pushing the bone yard, 30, you don’t care as much as you used to about birthdays.

Around noon, my husband comes downstairs and asks me if it’s the 30th. Yes, I say. He says, really? Oh, I didn’t realize it was the 30th. So that means, IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY! Ya, great, it’s my birthday. Then each of my four kids came trickling in with their birthday wishes. My older two said it must be sad getting so old and that I must be depressed. Well I wasn’t but now that you point that shit out, sure, I’m now depressed.

My younger two then wished me a happy birthday, and then my daughter, who is a 55-year-old smartass woman in a 7-year-old’s body, says it must be awful to think you’re still young but when in reality, you’re basically old. Gee thanks. Thankfully my 12-year-old has the innocence of a angel and told me that I’m pretty. He’s definitely in my will. The other three - I’m gonna have to think about that.

I, after getting my work done, decided I’d do some house cleaning because nothing says ‘it’s your birthday and you’re special and you deserve a break’ more than sweating your ass off, dusting, mopping floors, doing toilets and cleaning the cat’s litterbox. Oh I feel like a princess!

I decided to take a nap around 4 p.m. ish as my head was about ready to explode at that point. I got a total of 12 minutes in before my kids decided that mom having a nap wasn’t acceptable and thus told me they were bored and I should really entertain them.

I got up, asked them to go play in traffic (OH I’M KIDDING) and then decided I’d get showered and do my hair, that perhaps I’d feel better. Which, surprisingly I did. And that’s the photo you see above - migraine slightly included. My husband called me - he’d left earlier in the afternoon - and asked if I’d like to go out to dinner, to which I agreed to. We ended up taking our daughter, which was fantastic because it was after 8 p.m., and by that time, she’s tired and crabby and complained the whole time we were out. It was a great way to have a nice meal - I don’t normally like WHINE with my meal but this was super. I had CHEESE with it.

I’m hoping 42, err, 27 is better.

Kthxbai.