October 3, 2008

As you know, I’m not a very good cook. Actually “shitty cook” is a better description. However, there are times when I get the urge to try something new, despite my family’s loud protest. I say, ‘can’t learn to cook properly unless you try.’ Actually I NEVER say that, but it sounded good.

I’m not exactly sure how I ended up where I ended up, but rest assured, I will never be the same. Neither will you – particularly if you’re a dude. And listen, some of us *cough* have had these in our mouths for one reason or another – but probably not to devour them.

See that photo up there? That’s a picture of a pizza. A testicle pizza. Yes, you read me correctly. Testicles. As in balls. I wish I were kidding. I wish I could go back in time, say about 38 minutes ago, but unfortunately we can’t turn back time. We can however, stab ourselves in the eyes and I’m seriously considering that.

A Siberian guy named Ljubomir Erovic has a new online cookbook that features, uh, family jewels as being the main ingredient. I will tell you know, never again will I eat chicken balls at the Chinese restaurant or enjoy spagetti and meatballs, that’s been taken away from me.

Sure, the jewels (I will never think of diamonds the same way again either) are not from a human, but still…. nasty. He uses bull balls (sure, we’ve all heard of prairie oysters…barf), horse balls, ostriches, pigs and turkeys. I’m becoming a vegetarian. Like now.

Got a hankering for battered testies? No prob, there’s bound to be something for you. We know there’s testicle pizza as shown above and there are recipes that teach you how to barbeque those nuts as well. Oh and you’ll need a sharp knife to cut through those babies and some water to soak them – to loosen them up. Oh GOD.

Chef Ljubomir (or Chef INSANE as I like to call him) says that balls are a strong aphrodisiac. Sure, chomping down and chewing a pair of giblets makes me hot.

Chef Balls said, “The tastiest testicles in my opinion probably came from bulls, stallions or ostriches, although other people have their own favourites. The best for aphrodisiac properties are sheep and stallion testicles. All testicles can be eaten – except human, of course.” Of course.

I was going to take my family out for ribs, but hell, let me get my sharp knife and pizza pan.

If you gots a hankerin’, you can click HERE to download some tasty testicle recipes. Bon appetit!

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5 Responses to “Cooking with balls.”

1. October 3rd, 2008 at 7:17 pm, Ree Says:

   No! Oh no! Oh God is right.

   Think if you slice them thin enough, they look like pepperoni?

2. October 3rd, 2008 at 11:44 pm, Sassy Says:

   I just threw up a little in my mouth Ree. LOL

3. October 4th, 2008 at 9:15 am, poot Says:

   “Battered testicles.” That’s how I felt after my divorce.

4. October 5th, 2008 at 5:45 am, Barb Says:

   For once, I am speachless.

5. October 14th, 2008 at 8:21 pm, Karen Sugarpants Says:

   You’re weird.