Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!

Archive for December, 2008

December 23, 2008

Michelle Duggar’s clown car vajayjay scares me.

My son Matt always says that when our family piles out of our vehicle, it’s like we’re climbing out of a clown car because we’re a family of six, which is considered a fairly big family. So when I think of TLC’s TV mom Michelle Duggar, I think of her vajayjay as a clown car that keeps on giving. I mean, not that I think of her nether regions a lot or even really at all, but knowing that she and her husband just welcomed their 18th child scares me. What scares me more, is they want more. More. Can you even imagine?

Sure, to each his own and all that shit, but how can one woman possibly enjoy being pregnant for over 135 months of her life? That’s how many months or there about, that Michelle Duggar has been pregnant. I was never a big fan of the whole pregnancy thing – of course I liked becoming a mother but uh, 18 times? No thanks. And they want more. More. Did I mention that?

Have you ever seen their show, which was called 17 Kids & Counting but will officially update to 18 Kids & Counting on Monday – it scares me too. I have four kids, two of them are grown and don’t even live with me but yet, there is still chaos in my home at times. Yes, I’m a fairly organized person but still, we live with noise, confusion, kids arguing, siblings not liking each other for at least 5 minutes of the day, someone stealing something of someone else’s, someone spilling something but yet no one did it, the cat’s food dish going empty for an hour, someone not flushing the toilet, and of course the occasional glass of spilled milk. There seems to be none of that at the Duggar home and there are now 20 of them – well oldest son Josh, is married and moved out – so technically 19 of them at home. That’s a lot of people and most of them are young – really young – and yet, everything seems to be so orderly.

I get the fact that you have to be super organized with such a large family but my god, do their kids ever fight? Punch each other? Dunk someone’s head in the toilet? Throw a tantrum? Call each other a stupid head? No? That must only happen in my less than perfect household.

When Michelle Duggar told Ann Curry on the Today Show (when asked if they’d have more and when is it ‘too many’ kids) that saying too many kids is like saying there are too many flowers, I thought I’d have a stroke. Does she know how many flowers there are in the world? Or does she mean just having lots of kids in the world is a good thing in general or did she mean she was going to pop them out until her womb closes up shop for good or runs away screaming. I’m surpised her uterus hasn’t said, “listen bitch, I’m done, I’ve had my fill, thank you very much, but I need a vacation. Over and out.” My uterus curls up in a ball and breaks out in a cold sweat when I mention the word ‘pregnancy’ and/or ‘Duggars’. I can only imagine what Michelle’s is thinking. It probably does a daily chant of “kill the eggs, kill the eggs,” or “let us pray that Jim Bob’s sperm supply shrivels up and dies very soon. Like yesterday already.”

Sure, sure, it’s wonderful that they have another beautiful baby girl and she’s healthy and blah blah blah, but does this woman ever get tired? She always seems so calm and collected and unstressed. You should see me running around in the mornings trying to get my youngest two off to school. And honestly, where in the bloody hell do Jim Bob and Michelle find the time to have sex? They don’t seem like the type to sneak off behind the barn for a noon quickie (assuming they have a barn somewhere on their property). Maybe they go off in the soup isle in their at home grocery store. I dunno.

Just once I’d love to see Michelle pulling her hair out because one of her ‘jaybies’ (all the kids’ names begin with J….don’t even get me started on that) has tried to flush the cat down the toilet, another has dumped a box of cereal into the bed of another child, one has peed on the floor in the closet, another kid is screaming that his crayon broke and he needs it fixed now or he’s going to keep screaming, one of the teens says that life isn’t fair because it sux!, another teen is not understanding why she can’t wear the hoochie skirt that all of her friends get to wear, and Jim Bob is feeling neglected and wants a little action but he forgot to take the trash out and Michelle is holding out until he gets the whole concept of ‘choreplay’ and then maybe she’ll put out, right after she puts away the 12 loads of laundry she just folded and gets the toilets scrubbed and does the floors. Why, oh why can’t I see that?

No instead, we get to see perfect order, no chaos, everyone is lovely to the other and birds chirp, choirs sing and harps play as the Duggar parents say how they’d definitely love to go for baby # 19.

Oh, there goes my uterus, getting all scared and cowering.

Posted by Sassy @ 4:16 amKids,Television Drivel8 comments  

December 16, 2008

The snow is so beautiful. By beautiful, I mean gross.

I am so not a winter person. However, being born and raised in Eastern Canada, I grew up with snow during the winter months, and sometimes the fall months and spring. Lots of it. When we moved to Western Canada, more specifically, Calgary, I learned to tolerate the winter months quite a bit better. Sure we get cold snaps (we’re in one hell of a one now), and we do get snow but usually it’s nothing compared to the east. But let’s just say that old bitch winter with all of her blowing and snowing decided to dump on us. I’m not happy. See? Please don’t tell me snow is ‘pretty’. Or ‘scenic’. I hate it:

snow

Since we now live on a street where we’re on the sidewalk side, we have to make sure it’s shoveled or I guess someone comes kick your ass if you’ve not cleared the snow. Plus we have to make sure our walkway is cleared off or maybe the newspaper person comes to your door and falls on your step because it’s snowy and slippery and you get your ass sued. And of course we have to shovel our driveway or it’s hard to park our vehicles. All this bullshit shoveling is a bit of a problem for me. I only own nice boots with nice high heels and usually they’re not lined. I mean I’m looking for style not freakin’ warmth or practicality. That’s for the birds. Or the something or other.

Since my husband was going to be gone all day working, it was up to me to get the shoveling done. Or at least most of it. What do I wear on my feet? I can’t go out there with high-heeled ankle boots, I’ll break my bloody neck and get frost bite to boot (ha, see that play on words? Ya!) so I have to find something else to wear. I can’t wear sandals. I can’t wear pumps. I could wear sneakers – if I owned any. I hate sneakers. Well, I do have a pair of Guess sneakers (OH MY GOSH Y’ALL, LOOK AT ME NAME DROPPIN’) but they’re for working out in style and they’re really not sneaker sneakers because they have sequins and are all pretty with matching laces, not fug, plain white laces (no offense to plain white laces). Anyway, the only thing I could do – was put on my 12-year-old son’s boots. Mind you they were too big, but they were practical and warm. Perfect:

boots

Yes, I had nice black dress pants on (because that’s what most people wear to shovel snow) and my son’s boots. Stylish to say the least. Uh, ya.

So there I was, out in freeze-your-balls-off-below-humanly-acceptable-temperatures, shoveling snow off the walkway so the freakin’ newspaper person doesn’t slip. Hey – we don’t even get the newspaper. At least I looked stylish from the neck up, you know, in my $10 sunglasses, $12 fake fur hat and $19 Gap scarf that doesn’t even belong to me:

hate-snow

Nothing will ever make me love snow. No person can ever change my mind about snow. I don’t like one thing about it – except when it melts.

In celebration of my hatred of snow, I bought a tee-shirt. The caption pretty much sums up what I’d like to say to snow. I let my gingerbread men speak for me:

bite-me

Oh and I just realized – it’s only December 16th. Winter hasn’t even officially started. SUPER.

Posted by Sassy @ 11:07 pmGlamourous,Just Stuff.,Winter sucks balls2 comments  






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