Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
My 3rd grader – the smut reader.

February 4, 2009

Okay, so smut isn’t a word I normally use and I’m certainly no prude, however, when it comes to what my 8-year-old child should be reading, well there’s a limit.

My daughter is very smart, sometimes wise beyond her years. She’s recently become intrigued by real-life ghost stories, and loves reading books on the subject.

I’m sure many of you are familiar with the author R.L. Stine and his children’s horror books – Goosebumps and Fear Street. My grown sons used to read them (Goosebumps) and watch the shows on TV. Well, for Christmas a family member bought my daughter a “ghost story” book, knowing how much she loves reading them. I saw the book at a glance, saw that it was by R.L. Stine, and my daughter opened the front page which had a nice note to her from the family member, telling her to enjoy the “ghost stories.” She’s been reading it for the past few days – she’s a strong reader and seemed to be enjoying it.

Fast forward to tonight. My son Matt comes over for a visit and he sits down at the dining room table, where I’m seated, as well as my daughter. He picks up the book and asks whose book it is. I tell him and said, “remember, she got it for Christmas?” He doesn’t really, but he’s 21 – he’s not going to remember what his little sister got for presents. Anyway, he asks if she’s enjoying the book – she said, yes. He opens the book and starts to read. Within seconds, he starts coughing, choking almost and asks me if I’ve seen the book?

Well, sort of. Read the note to Maddy. Why?

Uh, ya, but have you read the book?

No, why? It’s a ghost stories book, not really my thing.

Um, I don’t think it’s a ghost stories book.

Why do you say that?

He reads part of page one, the prologue, to me:

“The guy beside her stirs. She hears him muffle a burp.

His after-dinner burp, Charlotte thinks bitterly. I was dinner.

The blinds rattle as a gust of air sweeps over the bed. Fresh and cool. Charlotte sighs. The apartment smells so sour. Fried onions. Stale smoke.

Do you smoke? she asks, staring up at the shadowy bars, the cool air tingling her damp skin.

No. That was steam coming out of my ears. He makes a joke. Then he adds, You were great.

You weren’t, she thinks.

You were heavy. I thought you were going to crush me. And what were the ridiculous walrus cries at the end?”

OH.MY.GAWD. My daughter’s been reading an ADULT novel! It’s not a ghost stories book at all, oh no, not at all. But, it gets worse.

As my eyes are bugging out of my head and Matt and I are looking at each other, he flips ahead a few pages, starts reading page four. I thought his eyes would pop out of their damn sockets. He hands me the book and says, “read from where it says Charlotte.” I do. I thought I was going to have a stroke.

Here’s what it read:

“Charlotte?

She turns. He’s propped all the pillows behind him. Rests his head back against his hands, elbows out. Smiles.

Nice smile, she thinks. But a saleman’s smile.

Well… he sold me.

Uh… Charlotte? Before you leave? … uh…

She lowers her tights. Yeah?

Before you leave… How about a blow job, maybe?

I don’t think so, John. I’ve got chapped lips.”

This is the part where I did have a stroke.

The next few pages talk about Charlotte and, then, she’s murdered by some serial killer. Super.

I’m sure it’s a great book – seriously, I might even read it, but uh, it’s really not third-grade reading material. Just sayin’. My daughter won’t be reading any more of the book – at least not for another 10 years. And I’m just waiting for the questions that I KNOW are coming my way.

Posted by Sassy @ 11:51 pmEmbarrassing,Holy Chit My Jaw Dropped,Kids10 comments  

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10 Responses to “My 3rd grader – the smut reader.”

  1. Holy chit it right! My son is 7 and reading waaaaaaaay beyond his years too. Not quite this far yet.

    ashley’s last blog post..It’s Just Like a Riding a Bike

  2. LOL I know it’s not funny but it reminds me of the time in 4th grade where my mother at my request unknowingly bought me Judy Blume’s Forever.. because it was Judy Blume and heck I had liked Blubber.

    Keep in mind I was afraid to ask her to buy the Margaret book because we both knew what it was about and knew she would not approve yet.

    So off I unknowingly went with my young adult romance novel to read all about teenagers in love and “doing it.” I quickly realized what a gold mine I had and hid it… and for weeks I was the most popular girl on the school bus as I gave readings of all the juicy parts.

    Melizzard’s last blog post..42

  3. Wow. I have a third grade daughter who reads like crazy and I will be keeping a closer eye on things too. I don’t usually let her read the Goosebumps books because she scares easily. That is just…wow.

    daisy’s last blog post..An Interview Meme

  4. OMG! So are you ready for her questions? Samantha is 9 and I’m not ready for any of hers. LOL Plus I think she would of asked as she was reading it. I wounder if your friend read any of the book but they bought it?

  5. holy shit! Are you sure her name’s not BItchy??

    that was too damn funny.

    vodkamom’s last blog post..Do NOT leave your husband alone…

  6. I’m sure I’ll laugh at this one day (well, technically, my son and I DID laugh but it was a nervous, OMG, HOLY SHIT kind of laugh…ha) and the book is now hidden.

    Sally – it was a close family member from back east who sent it to her.

  7. I would probably shit myself or something :P not warned the family member what your daughter was reading? xx

    Ellen (Y)’s last blog post..Cant be saved ;]

  8. I’m not sure if we’ll tell the family member – she’ll be mortified that she made such an “oops!” We’ll probably just keep it to ourselves…lol

  9. Well, my “whoah!” moment as a kid came with Judy Blume too, I checked out all things Judy Blume and came home with Wifey. I think I was also 3rd grade at the time. Eye. Opener.

    My daughter got the book Wicked (yes, the one from the broadway musical) in 4th grade for Christmas. Wizard of oz, right? No problem! She brought it to me and said it was “grown-up boring reading…” I put it aside, and one day desperate to read something I read it. EEK. Fortunately, I don’t think she had gotten to any sexual parts yet (though not as bad as the book you’re talking about), but now I screen everything 100 times over. Yeesh.

    Kyra’s last blog post..In The Game

  10. What? No link? :)

    Patrick D.’s last blog post..Sometimes…





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