Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
Top 5 Ways To Give Your Family A Heart Attack.

June 12, 2009

I love Top 5 Lists. Hell, I love Top 10 Lists, too, but I’m sticking to five. I’m lazy.

Here are the top five ways to give your family a heart attack. Be sure to have cpr training, just in case.

5. Sit them down and tell them you are pregnant. Not to heart attack inducing, right? Your husband had a vasectomy 10 years ago (sure, but sometimes they don’t completely take care of things… but…) and you had your uterus removed 15 years ago. And your tubes. And your ovaries. Oh, ya, now it’s an omigosh, I’m going to have a stroke kind of situation.

4. Tell them you met someone “online” and their nickname is ‘Bubba’ and he makes his living recycling beer bottles. So, right? You happen to be a nun. Nurse, get me the paddles, stat!

3. Tell your family you have sold your home and are making a “big move.” Big, freakin’ deal! Oh, but you’ve sold your current house for $1.89 (and threw in the furniture for good measure… including all of the antiques Aunt Bertha gave you, which you’re pretty sure were worth thousands, but it’s nice if someone outside of the family can enjoy them. You’re a giver, what can you say?). And you’re not moving into a new home, instead, you’re going to make a room at the Y your new living quarters, and to celebrate, you are going to host Thanksgiving dinner this year. Bring me the smelling salts, y’all.

2. Tell them you have sold your shares in the family business to Bubba (see # 4) and he paid you in empties, and are sinking all your remaining money in BETA video tapes, because you’re pretty sure they are going to be the next “big” thing. Dearly departed, we gather here today…

1. Move 3000 miles away from home, across the country, and six years goes by before you know it. Plan a trip back, but don’t tell anyone and just show up at their doors and surprise the shit out of them, thus inducing heart attacks and/or strokes, or at the very least, some fainting. OMG, is that really you? Get out! No way! OMG, look who’s here!

That’s exactly what I did last week – surprised my family members after six years of being away, but luckily, there was not a single heart attack or stroke! There was definite shock and the looks on their faces, priceless. It was so fun, but tiring. I functioned on about 2 or 3 hours sleep each night and with the time difference, it’s a wonder I didn’t have a stroke. Ha.

Posted by Sassy @ 9:13 amHoly Chit My Jaw Dropped,Just Stuff.,Special Events & StuffNo comments  

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