July 31, 2009

Did I say I turned forty-two? I meant twenty-seven because I lied last year and said I was 26 twenty-seven comes after 26. So, yeah, right.

Some of my family forgot it was my “special” day yesterday. Yes, I said “special,” because clearly it is if they forgot to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY. That’s just how “special” it was. Especially SPECIAL.

To the person who sent me a gift, woot!, thank you, LOVE getting mail that doesn’t require me to drain my bank account or my “services” will be shut off.

To the people who called me, thank you… means more than a present (but, uh, if you WANT to send me sompin’, yeah, DO IT).

To the handful of people who wished me HAPPY BIRTHDAY on Facebook, I do thank you – luckily, I get the messages in my email or I would not have seen them. I don’t do Facebook – much. Maybe once every few months I’ll get the gumption to sign-in, but other than that, I honestly don’t use it anymore. To those of you who are waiting for me to “friend” you, I will, the next time I sign-in. Like next Christmas or something. And to two of the Facebook birthday-well-wishers, I will SEE you in TWO WEEKS. Woot!

To the e-card birthday-well-wishers, spanx muchly (yes, totally real words, with real meaning, y’all).

To the email birthday well-wishers, thanks but I’m not sure I believe you when you said you TRIED to “attach” cash in the email, but it just wouldn’t work. Hotmail and Gmail were “not working properly” you said. Uh huh.

To the person who said they loved me so much (and will love me MORE once I make my first million), thank you for letting me know you are shopping at HOOKERS ACCESSORIES AND MORE for me. I bet it’ll be something special. And probably glittery!

So,you’re asking yourself, what has this clearly insane chick learned in forty-two, oops, twenty-seven years? Let me put you out of your misery.

1. When your daughter tells you, “Mommy, you don’t even look forty-two, you totally look, um, like you’re twenty-four (she’s really pushing it) and when my brothers tell you that you’re ‘old’ I give them dirty looks, just so you know mom,” what she really means is, “I’m totally sucking up bitches so I can get my own cell phone at the age of nine!”

2. When a 20-something dude calls you ma’am, he means it.

3. When you hear yourself say, “Oh, so-and-so and I have been friends for twenty-five years,” you want to bite your tongue off.

4. You probably shouldn’t wear the “JLo” glitter lotion you own, but fuck it, I’m going to anyway. See? At *cough* 42, you don’t care.

5. When your growns sons (see # 1) call you old, they absolutely mean it.

6. You’re at an age where you will most likely attend more funerals than weddings. Sad, but true.

7. It’s possible to become a grandparent (providing you have children), but don’t call me grandma.

8. It sucks when your doctor is way younger than you.

9. It scares the shit out of you to know you have been watching a particular soap opera for twenty-seven years. I mean, I don’t watch any soap operas. Like srsly, EVER.

10. You realize you haven’t learned as much as you thought.

Happy Birthday to anyone who is having a birthday this year. Ha.

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8 Responses to “I turned 42, but don’t look at day over 41.”

1. July 31st, 2009 at 5:29 pm, Karen Sugarpants Says:

   actually you look 22. you’re welcome.

   happy birthday (again)

   i loves you and stuff.

2. July 31st, 2009 at 5:41 pm, Sassy Says:

   Suck up. Thx! xo

3. August 5th, 2009 at 10:54 am, bbrian017 Says:

   So I’m confused…

   1. How old are you?

   2. Is that a pic of you when you were young or is it your daughter?

   Also Happy B-Day
   bbrian017´s last blog ..Top Engaged on the Week

4. August 5th, 2009 at 11:08 am, Sassy Says:

   @bbrian017.. I’m *cough* 42. And that’s a photo of me taken on my bday. And thanks!
   Sassy´s last blog ..I turned 42, but don’t look at day over 41.

5. August 12th, 2009 at 2:44 pm, IzzyMom Says:

   I’ll be 42 next month so I’m totally qualified to judge you and say YOU LOOK AWESOME. Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it and happy b-day!
   IzzyMom´s last blog ..Thanks for Nothing, Big Corporate Robber Barons

6. August 12th, 2009 at 3:16 pm, Sassy Says:

   Aw, thank you! And Happy Bday to you, too!
   Sassy´s last blog ..I turned 42, but don’t look at day over 41.

7. August 14th, 2009 at 5:08 pm, Roses Says:

   Honey you dont look a day over 25. You go girlfriend.

   ~hugs~

8. August 18th, 2009 at 5:26 am, Hesham Says:

   This is a great age! be Happy you are not old!
   Hesham´s last blog ..One Blog Post Changes My Whole Life