Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!
We don’t care about your bodily functions.

October 4, 2009


A friend of mine recently became a divorced, single mom.  She’s back in the dating game and is really having a hard time finding, well, a guy who isn’t a total pig.  Sure, she expects some piggish behavior.  I mean, hello?  But come on, have some manners… (no offense to men, I like men, a lot, and no this is not about any men I know either IRL or Online, so don’t panic you’re all cool and nice and polite).  But honestly, when you have absolutely zero redeeming qualities, as some of the whackjobs my friend has dated lately?  God.  Might as well punch yourself in the nutsack and call it a day.  Just sayin’.  And some of the men my friend has described to me?  Oh, dear Lord.

I decided I’d help my friend by making a list of things she can show her prospective dates.  So maybe they can get a clue and have a second date with her or any other person they might be interested in.  Perhaps, even get laid at some point.  Or at the very least not get slapped or punched in the neck.  I told her to print this off and send it to them before their date.  Sure, that might be slightly difficult to do, but hey, its worth a try.

Some basic rules to possibly snag a second date and/or even get laid:

1. Try not to be a douche.  Simple, it really is.  Don’t talk about your ex (or if you’re still married, um, fuck off and why are you on a date?).  Don’t tell your date that you think the waitress is “bangable,” and then proceed to wink (last guy she went on a date with, totally did this).  If you’d like to screw the waitress, do it on your own time, not on our date.  See?  Simple.  But know, if you bang the bangable waitress, there will be no second date with me.  Take note.

2. Pay for some of the shit.  Please.  If you make me take out my wallet every single time, yeah, there will be no second date and sure as hell no sex.  No, and not even a handjob.  Get lost.

3. Picking.  Don’t do it.  If you must retrieve something out of somewhere, leave the room, table, dance floor, what the hell ever, just don’t show me.  Don’t tell me about it either.  Don’t care.

4. If you excuse yourself from our date to use the bathroom, don’t come back and tell me about it.  Yeah, don’t want to hear about it.  At. all.  Don’t care what you did, how big it was, how long it took, if it resembled an old classmate, Don’t care.  See # 3.  DON’T CARE.  And you’d better wash your fucking hands.

5. Avoid scratching your balls.  Sure, all guys apparently do that, but on our first date OR EVER, resist the urge.  A slight discreet adjustment, fine, but all out finger-digging scratching?  Um, yeah, not attractive.  And if you then think that I’ll be laying a finger/hand/face on those balls you’ve been rubbing through your pants all night?  Not frigging likely.  Take care of the major rash/itch on your own time.  Is that asking too much?  Or if you’re scratching/digging because your balls are sweaty?  Yeah, read on to # 6.

6. Come groomed.  Honestly, do you own a mirror?  If you have nose hair longer than your pit hair, trim it.  It’s easy.  There’s even nose hair trimmer thingies!  For realz.  Get one. 

Brush your fangs.  If you’ve been eating garlic and pizza and drinking beer for the past week, yeah, you need to sterilize your cakehole (love the word cakehole by the way).  If I can name what you’ve eaten in the last 48 hours by the smell of your breath, I’ll vomit in your shoes.  That’s a promise.  Not even kidding.

Do not smell like BO.  It’s 2009.  No one should smell like sweat and/or shit.  Seriously.  No excuse for it.

7. Don’t brag about your money (’cause dude, if you’ve made me pay for everything thus far, I’ll know you’re a) a lying sack of shit or b) a douche or 3) a lying sack of douchebaggery-asswipe-ish-ness.  Yeah, don’t care what you make – at least not on our first date.  Total turn off.  Also money related?  Telling me you forgot your wallet… lame.  See # 2.  Yeah, my friend’s recent date pulled this stunt.  And then never paid her back or called her again.  Classy.

8. I don’t want to know how many chicks you’ve bagged or how many names you have in your little black book.  Take that book out and I’ll cut you.  I’ll just assume you’ve been laid before and know that I have and we’re good.  Do not need to compare notes.  Don’t care what you did with Sally, Darla, or Brenda or how Kathy could “take it all.” <–Yeah, that might impress your guy friends, but your current date?  Not so fucking much.  However, on the note of sex, if we’re going to have it, I’d like to know if you anything that I may not want.  Actually, I don’t fucking want it, so fess up.  That shit you need to disclose.  Not on the first date, of course, but also don’t wait until we’re in the “moment” to drop a bombshell.  See # 1.

9. Yeah, burping the alphabet, while does require effort, is not sexy.  If we were 10, maybe it would be fun and/or funny.  However, if we’re over 12, then it’s not.  And I’m pretty sure we are over 12.  And saying things like, “You’d better stand 10 feet from me, wheeeeewwwww weeeeeeeee, those nachos are doing a number on me,” is not going to make me want to jump your bones later.  Keep that shit (uh, no pun) to yourself.  Which brings me to # 1o.

10. I don’t care about your bodily functions.  At all.  Not even a little bit.  I don’t care to know what you do in the bathroom… yes, I have an idea, but I prefer to keep that stuff “fuzzily” in my brain.  Please never discuss any of it with me.  Not on our first date, second or 10 years into the marriage.  I will never care about what you do once you close the bathroom door.  See # 3, 4, and 9. 

My friend’s date with “Tom” sort of went to the bathroom talk, as in, “Tom” telling her about his explosive diarrhea that he experienced the day before and how his “bottom” (Yes, because saying “bottom” instead of “ass” makes it less disgusting) was still “raw.”  Needless to say she didn’t sleep with him and she was going to up until that point because she thought he was hot and she hadn’t had it in a while.  So, to “Tom,” dude, you could have gotten laid had you not disclosed the information about your shitty, raw ass.  *sad face*

Honestly, it’s easy to get a girl to go out with you a second time.  Know what the secret is?  Bring out your feminine side… act like a guy but with some sensitivity (I know, what fantasy world am I living in?).  Or, hell, just don’t burp, fart, tell me about the dump you took, or pick your nose, and we’ll be good to go.

Hope this helps, “T” honey.  I love ya, but I’m glad it’s not me in the dating pool.

Posted by Sassy @ 7:09 pmI want to Punch You in the Neck,Just Stuff.,Nonsense30 comments  

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30 Responses to “We don’t care about your bodily functions.”

  1. Sassy I would never let a woman pay for anything on the first date. I rarely don’t pay when I bring my woman out for dinner.

    I shower daily, I dress well, I always smell good :) I’m your everyday Y&R soap star.

    Who ever would start talking about things they do in the restroom seriously need help. To be honest anyone that does anything you mentioned here is a retard…

    Everything you talk about is like something that would only happen in a bad date in a movie lol.

    Interesting to know there are men out there that would do any of this stuff…
    .-= bbrian017´s last blog ..Friday Blog Traffic Report 10 =-.

  2. Aw Brian, you sound totally date-worthy. Wanna go out? Oh, wait, I’m not looking. Damn. ;)

  3. OMG!! As much as I hate my Hubby at times, he has GOT to be better than what’s out there.
    AND he has never adjusted himself in front of me nor do I know what his poo looks like. So I guess he is a keeper! LOL

  4. LOL I think so Janelle. Hang on to him!

  5. When I was dating between marriage #1 and #2 I found plenty to be OK with, except they all sent flowers to my work, all professed love soooon and all tried really, overly hard with my kids.And all were attractive…but all tried too hard. I found my husband on Match.com He was sweet, soft spoken, while flirty and sexy. Funny and respective. I’ve been married to him for almost a year, never heard him pass gas, fail to pick up the tab or not make ME number 1 at sex. He’s a nympho, so am I.He loves MY kids as well as his own. I’ve found my funny, silly, movie loving, wine drinking, salsa eating, sex addict, love of my life on the internet. I wish your friend all the luck I had…
    .-= martie´s last blog ..My Gorgeous Boy, My Number ONE Son… =-.

  6. I hope this list gets into the hands of some of the pig-boys out there.

    My husband has always said that all men are pig-boys, and it’s a daily struggle to keep the pig-boy-ness in check — but the good ones try, and try, and try every single day.
    I ended up with one of the good ones.
    .-= Nenette´s last blog ..sabotage. =-.

  7. Sounds like you found a keeper, Martie!

  8. Glad you did, Nenette!

  9. OMG LMAO at “if it resembled an old classmate”
    OMG OMG OMG can’t stop laughing. Because EW.

    SassyNo Gravatar Reply:

    I know baby, gross, eh? Ha.

  10. I just installed the comment reply feature – so you can reply directly to each comment! :)
    .-= Sassy´s last blog ..We don’t care about your bodily functions. =-.

    SassyNo Gravatar Reply:

    haha and I’m logged in as you. Whoops.

    SassyNo Gravatar Reply:

    OMG I see that, and OMG I love you. For realz!

    SassyNo Gravatar Reply:

    LMAO…I love commenting to myself. Ha.

  11. What if they offer to eat mashed potatoes off your body? Is that deal breaker? What if it’s Kevin Bacon?

    Or his look alike?

    Just asking
    .-= Becky´s last blog ..He believes in me =-.

    SassyNo Gravatar Reply:

    You know damn well that is TOTALLY acceptable. You hear me Kevin Bacon? I got some mashed potatoes!

  12. I know I may do that baseball player thing sometimes with the baseballs, well not baseballs maybe ping pong balls at best, but other than that how do I rank? Am I worthy of a second date?

    SassyNo Gravatar Reply:

    I *might* pencil you in. ;)
    .-= Sassy´s last blog ..We don’t care about your bodily functions. =-.

  13. OMG LMAO at “if it resembled an old classmate”
    OMG OMG OMG can’t stop laughing. Because EW.

  14. Seriously. good rules. Must be obeyed at all times.

    SassyNo Gravatar Reply:

    Thank you and absolutely. No breaking these rules!

  15. I love it – I agree with the first comment – you could write a bitchin’ bad-date movie if you put your mind to it, no problem, too funny! ;) xxx

    SassyNo Gravatar Reply:

    LOL thank you baby! xo

  16. OMG! As a divorcee who has been single for 6 years, **News Flash** there really are guys out there like this!

    I had one date and he was a gentleman and offered to pay however his card was declined and guess who ended up paying?? Needless to say date #2 not necessary!

    Great Post!
    .-= Lisa´s last blog ..Today… was a good day! =-.

    SassyNo Gravatar Reply:

    It’s shocking, isn’t it Lisa that there really ARE douchebags out there! LOL. Thanks!
    .-= Sassy´s last blog ..We don’t care about your bodily functions. =-.

  17. I blame Facebook.
    And MySpace.
    Just saying!
    .-= Sarcastica´s last blog ..Today Was Better =-.

  18. Nice list Sassy. I missed your posts.

    BTW, I’m not the guy who will do anything of what you’ve just written…funny how your friend experienced those things.
    .-= ZXT´s last blog ..Tweet your way to $100 and more =-.

  19. First time hitting this blog. Bloody hysterical list. Men ARE savages. Thank Christ I’m not single, me and my foul mouth would just head on over to the convent if I was……after enough years of being together (me and hubs just past 21 year anniversary) you get accustomed to the ball scratching, bodily functions jokes. But God forbid that crap should go down when you’re just getting to know each other! LOL
    .-= Karina in T.O´s last blog ..KarinaInTO: And yes, you won’t hear my liberal ass defending @McCainBlogette often. But honestly "family party" it’s just clevage, grow up! =-.

  20. Hahahaha! A friend of mine met a guy for coffee on Saturday. She didn’t order anything. He didn’t offer me anything. BUT, he was more than willing to tell her how much money he had, his boats, his cars, his bikes..blah blah blah. OH, and how “lucky” she is that he’s available…
    .-= Janie Woods´s last blog ..I Don’t Put Things Off… =-.

  21. Bring out my feminine side?


    Now..just trying to figure out where I can buy a French Maid’s outfit in my size…
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Motivational Filler – Smart Thinking =-.

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