November 22, 2009
*Note* If you came here just because you thought I was naked in a hat and mittens, shame on you. But it worked, right (and technically, that IS all I’m wearing except you can’t see the rest)? And now that you’re here, gosh, you might as read what I wrote? Yah? S’good, thank you. *Bats long eyelashes* On to the crap good stuff:
I’m a morning person. I’m a night person. I’m a people person. One thing I’m not? A winter person. I. HATE. IT. There is nothing good about winter. Wait, that’s not fair… there must be something good about winter. Let me think… and nope, can’t think of anything. Nada. Drawing a big blank. And to add to that negative train of thought, let me give you ten reasons winter blows.
1. SNOW. Snow is horrible. It’s cold. Wet (ish). Hard. Soft. Fluffy. Annoying. And did I mention COLD? I love when people say to me, but it’s so pretty. Especially the first snow fall. Um, no, it isn’t. It’s disgusting. I will never think otherwise. I hate snow. Don’t tell me snowmen are cute. They’re only cute if they’re made of fabric and don’t melt. A snowman made of snow? I stab it. In the face.
2. ICE. See # 1. Similiar to snow except it’s harder and frozener. And colder. Ice on the roads? Yeah, makes for great driving especially for the dickwads who think they can drive the same way they do on bare roads. Like a dickwad. You can’t. It’s ICY and shit. Ice means slippery. So, ICE=shit drivers. Bad combo. Aaaand, it’s fucking cold. Right, I mentioned that.
3. COLD. Winter brings cold temperatures and means I must wear extra layers of clothing. I don’t like that. I don’t want to wear more than I have to and bundling up is annoying. How can I bring teh sexah in a parka? Nearly impossible. Cold is for penguins. Do I look like a penguin to you? And cold temps bring SNOW and ICE. See # 1 and 2.
4. CHRISTMAS MUSIC. Yes, winter brings Christmas music because Christmas happens to arrive in winter. I do not like Christmas music. I like to shank it IN THE NECK. And I love going shopping now so I can hear Christmas music blaring through the speakers in the department store. Puts me in the mood. To stab the cashier. She did give me the correct change and I appreciate that. She did it with a smile, too. That’s nice.
5. SHOVELS. Winter means I may have to pick up a shovel and shovel SNOW and/or chip ICE. See # 1 and 2. If I’m picking up a shovel, I’d like it to be because I’m going to beat my mailman for failing to bring me fun goodies in the mail. Not for shoveling snow. That seems wrong to me.
6. BOOTS. Now, don’t get me wrong. I luff boots. I’m a boot whore. But my boots are made for walking on bare sidewalks. In the mall. Dancing at a club. Other things. Not for wading in snow, or trying not to slip on ice. See # 1 and 2. Boots are meant to be pretty. Sexy. Not for getting wet and slushy because of that ugly shit called SNOW.
7. DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME. True, it begins before winter officially starts but it happens when it’s starting to get cold – see # 3 – and it makes winter that much more depressing. It’s dark at around 5 p.m. now and so we get to be cold and sit in darkness. Yes, my house has electricity, so I do have lights and don’t actually sit in the dark, but when I look out the window at 5:47 p.m. and see blackness, I want to choke it. It being anyone within 3 feet of me. What are we saving the daylight for? Let’s use it. So who can I talk to about this daylight savings shit?
8. SNOT. You know what I’m talking about. It’s cold. People are out. Their noses run. Snot may drip from their nose. It grosses me the fuck out. I DON’T DO SNOT. It’s the one thing I can. not. handle. ever. Come near me with a snotty nose and I’ll cut your face off. Fair warning.
9. UGGS. If you own Uggs, I’m sorry but you need to burn them. When I mentioned boots in # 6, I was talking about sexy boots. Boots with heels. High boots. Pretty ankle boots with a chunky heel. Not slipper boots. Uggs should be shot. And stabbed. And shanked. Don’t wear them. Stop humiliating yourself. Have some pride. THEY ARE FUCKING SLIPPERS WITH TREADS. Stop the insanity.
10. LONGEST SEASON OF THE YEAR. I don’t give a rat’s ass what scientist may or may not say about seasons. Here, where I live, winter is the longest season of the year. Why can’t the other three seasons be the longest? Huh? Why the hell not? Why does winter-like weather have to start in October and end in fucking June? Me not likey. I may whine about the heat, too, but for serious, if I had to pick, I’m picking HEAT. I think I’ll move. California, here I come. So, they might get earthquakes, floods and fires… at least they have the warm.
In closing arguments, winter blows. Sucks. Has nothing to offer. Oh, you ski? Yeah, whatever.