December 18, 2009
Do you have an iPhone? I do. I love mine. I sleep with it. I mean, uh, that’s creepy. Only freaks sleep with their iPhone. But I digress…
Are you an iPhone apps whore? And by iPhone apps whore, I mean do you love downloading new apps and get totally giddy when you see a new one is available? And pee your pants, let’s not forget that. Wait, no, I do not pee my pants when I see a new app is available. That would be gross. Anyway, let me be the first to show you these never before seen *exclusive* iPhone apps. I know, right? Exciting! It’s like it’s Christmas or something. On to the iPhone apps I have developed in my demented mind:
Check out these iPhone gems after the cut!
Who My Baby Daddy Be? App:
Sweetheart, who needs Maury? I mean paternity tests can take like a whole hour on the Maury Show! They make you wait until the last few minutes before revealing if Dave or Tyrone or Billy is the daddy. I mean, damn, who has that kind of time when you need to know who the hell your baby daddy is now? You have shit to do. Never wait again. With the Who My Baby Daddy Be? app, you can find out now. With the press of a button, you will know who put that bun in your oven. It’s only $1.99. Totally affordable. Lotsa dough left over for diapers.
Fat? Yes or No? App:
Ever ask your significant other “does this dress make me look fat?” Or, “do these jeans make my ass look huge?” Of course you have and you usually get a big, bald-faced lie. With the Fat? Yes or No? app, you get total 100% honesty and you know the app is not going to lie to your face because it wants to get into those hideous pants that do make your ass look huge later, because? it’s an app. It just wants to give you the answers you need without strings. Download now for just .99!
Douche Detector App:
Are you a little insecure socially? Are you usually unsure of someone’s first impression? You never can quite pinpoint if the new person you’re meeting is nice or actually a total douchebag? Well, take the guess work out of that first time meeting with the new Douche Detector app! Never again wonder if Doug or Angie is a slimball because with the Douche Detector app, you get an accurate reading with one press of the button. When you see the thumbs-up symbol, you know you’ve met a bona fide douchebag. No need to continue conversing with said douche. Feel comfortable in your decision to stab them in the face (uh, ’cause they’re a douchebag). Free download!
You’re talking to Jane and she’s really getting on your last nerve. You’ve rolled your eyes at least 12 times right to her face, but she can’t take the hint. Or you are trying to get through to Steve, but he’s so pigheaded that you just want to scream, but since you’re in church, screaming is out of the question. No worries, with ShankABitch app, you can quietly and discreetly take care of your annoyance. This app is $4.99, but totally worth the price. If you can get some shankin’ done with the press of a button, then you’re off to a great start to the day. Bring sunshine to your life with this app.
Neighbor Spyin’ App:
Are your binoculars just not doing the job when it comes to spying on your neighbor? You wanna see what the hottie next door is doing at 2 a.m. but her blinds are blocking your view? No worries. With this $3.99 app, you will see more than you ever expected to see and maybe some things you could have lived without seeing. Hey, spying isn’t all fun and games. Mostly, but not always. But seriously, dude, worth the cash for sure.
Feeling down? Need a pick-me-up? Then get your Smork app! It’s only $.199 and for that price, it’s absolutely worth it – I mean, you can get smorked all day long if you want. What is smork? Well, duh, it’s happiness. It’s what-the-heck-ever makes you smile. Smorking means glee. Joy. Smiles galore. It’s the app that keeps on giving. Smorka smorka.
Stab Your Boss In The Face App:
Although the ShankABitch app could work in a employee/boss situation, with the Stab Your Boss in The Face app, you get specific results. Is your boss being a total dickwad or bitch? Then this is the app for you! At $5.99, it’s slightly on the pricey side but worth the peace of mind you will achieve once you press that button. Shut that asshat of a boss up now – do it. Download this app and make your 2010 a better year.
Merry Christmas. Don’t say I never gave you anything.
*All fake apps were created by me – use them without credit to me and I’ll use ShankABitch on your ass.*