June 26, 2008
You’ve missed me, I know it. I apologize for being away for so long – 2 weeks is way too long for you, and I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you. You can send me cash to help ease the pain. Yes, your pain. Giving makes you feel better. Nothing lower than a $20 please.
I was going to make up something really fun, like that I was away on a “secret” mission but that’s dumb, and I’m way too tired to think of something fun, so instead, I’ll tell you the truth.
We bought a new house! Yes, we just bought one last year right around this time but we like to keep things interesting, by interesting, I mean complicated. I’m going to post photos once we get settled – we’re mostly done but I like things just right before I show people my lair.
Our two grown sons are staying at the other house (YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), Oh, did I sound too enthusiastic? I meant (BOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO), but they’re about a 4 minute drive from us, so we can
lock the doors and hide in plenty of time visit anytime and vise versa.
I must say it’s a very nice house, our nicest to date and big. We like big. Well not everything should be big, because ass pimples are not pretty. Nevermind. (OMG no, I don’t really have one of those – purely for comedic purposes).
We stayed up until 2 a.m. working, putting stuff away because I can’t handle living out of boxes. It drives the ANALish tendencies in me, crazy. And we can’t have crazy.
There’s a techy dude from the security systems place here right now, installing his shiznat. We’ve never had a security system before, but I decided that we need one – uh, not because we have super valuable things (hear that crooks? We got nothin’!), but our new home is a two-story with a walk-out basement, so that makes me paranoid to be sleeping waaaaay upstairs and knowing that waaaay downstairs, there’s an entrance that someone could break into while we’re sleeping (or, um, awake) and maybe I wouldn’t hear it and then they’d try to harm us and then I’d have to get into mama bear mode to protect my young’ens, karate chop the bad guy in the balls (that’s for you Karen), and what if there’s blood after I kick him and then he’d bleed on my white-ish carpet….yuck. See? Way too much to give myself ulcers over, so why not just buy a security system? I highly recommend it if you’re even the slightest bit of a freak worrier such as myself.
Hopefully I pay attention to the security guy and remember the instructions. I certainly don’t need the cops running here every day when I go to water my flowers and forget to unarm (de-arm?) the alarm. That might not be a good situation. I don’t look that nice in handcuffs. Well, there was that one time…….never mind.
Okay, must run and go make up a security code…what about 3456? That’s easy enough right? Thought so!
September 6, 2007
I’ve been MIA because I was on a
drunken celebration binge secret mission for the government, which because it’s secret and it’s for the government, I cannot speak about it. Shucks.
You’re wondering what I’ve been doing right? Of course. You cry when I don’t speak to you from this internet world. You weep greatly when I’m not around and for that, I’m so super sorry. Oh let me tell you about my grocery store situation. It’s been awhile since I had one and I want to make your life complete.
My children and I decided to walk to the grocery store last week. It was a beautiful summer day, slight breeze and we wanted to pick up a few items. My husband had given me some ‘Superbucks’. He gets them when he gets gas from the grocery store gas station. They’re basically like ‘grocery store money’ and you can use them for anything with the exception of alcohol or tobacco products. I had about $25 dollars in Superbucks. My purchase came to $22 bucks and some change. Now, the only thing with Superbucks, is if your purchase is under the amount you give them in Superbucks, they don’t give you change back. But usually people will grab some gum or a candy bar to make the purchase amount as close to the amount of Superbucks as possible. However, it’s usually some change, so noone is going to be upset that they’re not getting back a few cents.
Clerk: Ah you purchase is $22.64 and you are giving me $23.00 in Superbucks and I no make change.
Me: That’s fine. It’s 36 cents, so I’m not worried about it. I understand that I don’t get change back.
Clerk: I take one of them off k?
Clerk: ‘Cause then it will be not me owe you money.
Me: It’s 36 cents, I’m cool with that. I won’t go bankrupt because I’m not getting my change back. Honestly, it’s fine.
Clerk: No I take one off.
So she proceeds to take one of the Superbucks off and now I OWE her $2.67. Ummmm what?
Me: Umm, I now owe you $2.67. Why would I want to pay you in cash when I can pay for my WHOLE purchase with the Superbucks? Please put that back on.
Clerk: But I owe you .36 and I can’t give you that back.
Me: I realize that. I’m totally fine with that. It’s T.H.I.R.T.Y. S.I.X. C.E.N.T.S. I can handle that.
Clerk: I take another one off instead.
Now the amount I owe her is $5.83. There are people behind me, waiting to be served and this chick is making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Me: What are you doing? I don’t want to OWE $5.83! Get it? I don’t care if I will lose THIRTY…..SIX…..CENTS. Said through clenched teeth. Please put that coupon back on so I can move on with my life.
Cashier reluctantly scans the coupon again and now she’s back to ‘owing’ me thirty six cents. Then she just stands there looking all confused, while the people behind us are looking all, you know, PISSED OFF.
Clerk: I call my supervisor.
Me: Ah why?
Clerk: ‘Cause I owe you money.
Me: OH.MY.GAWD. No you don’t. Can I just have my receipt and then I will be on my merry way? Please?
That can’t happen though can it? Nope. She calls her supervisor over, who explains to me, like I’m a retarded ass monkey, that I don’t get my change back. To which, I explain right back to her like she’s the retarded ass monkey, that I’m aware that I don’t get my change back but hey, it’s THIRTY SIX CENTS and I will totally survive not having it. I’ll still be able to afford to get myself a strawberries n’ cream from Starbucks AND get my kids a treat. See how happy I am? Okay, now complete the transaction, so I can have my receipt and I can get going because I have dirty, sharp knives to drive into my skull later. Thanks.
Supervisor explains to cashier that she just opens the till to complete the sale and it will then print my receipt and then she just leaves the .36 cents in the cash register. Supervisor smiles at me and leaves. Great. Things are happenin’ now. Cashier opens the till and counts out thirty six cents and proceeds to hand it to me. I stare at her blankly, envisioning myself throwing jelly beans at her and then happily punching her in the neck.
Me: What are you doing?
Clerk: I owe you thirty six cents.
Me: Your supervisor just told you what to do. You DO NOT give me the change, just give me the receipt and you can give the change to the very angry lady behind me if you like.
Clerk: I owe you .36 cents.
Me: I don’t want it. I’m allergic to money. Take it away. OH MY GAWD I’m blind now. Can I have my receipt please? Please? My head is about to explode and you’ll have a huge mess on your hands because I’m so filled with brains, it’s not even funny.
Clerk: I owe you thirty six cents.
Me: Give. me. my. receipt.
She hands me my receipt, while still holding onto the change, unsure of what to do with it. I have a few ideas that come to mind. I watch her as I’m walking away and she’s putting the change onto the top of her cash register, then she picks it up and puts it in her pocket, then takes it out and puts it back on top of her cash register. At that point, I stop looking before I self destruct and run over and smack her upside the head, give her a wedgie and scream in her ear. Oh please remind me to use Superbucks again when making a purchase at the grocery store. I need more excitement in my life.
There you have it, my awesome grocery store experience. No need to thank me, you reading it
and not killing yourself from boredom means alot.