February 24, 2007

I really, really should be doing laundry right now. You know what though? My laundry isn’t going anywhere, so I say, to hell with it. Except, that I do need my laundry because it’s basically my clothes and I’m not going out in public naked. At least not today.

Did I tell you that my neighbours still have their Christmas tree up? Yup, they do. I don’t think it’s so much the old man that is in charge of the tree, I believe it’s the old battleaxe wife that is so weird that she can’t tell if it’s December or if I’ve punched her in her ugly someone’s shat on my face kinda face or that it’s actually February. I think they still have their Halloween lights up too. Freaks.

I’m going to another hockey game tonight. Isn’t that just the shiznat? Amazing really because this is only my second time. Remember I was a hockey virgin just last month? Well I’m reminding you. Geez, you have a short memory. Have you been drinking? You should lean towards the example I set, and that is being sloshed 24/7 a model person who never does anything that would make anyone’s eyebrows go up in shock. I’m all innocent like that. Near perfect really. It’s kind of embarrassing. Oh well. Such is life.

Oh ya, I forgot to tell you about my wrong number. They follow me like flies to shit. Ah. Hmm. Anyway, goes like this:

Hello?

Hi, is Mrs. Begoenogowiulknlngsslijtoy there? (People never get my last name right. And it really sounds like it looks) (Ah that’s not my real last name. It aint’ that fucking weird.)

Ah ya, sure, close enough.

I’m wondering if you would prefer a new phone, 2 extras for 2 months for free or 5% off of your bill for 5 months?

What? Who is this?

Oh I’m calling from *insert stupid phone company name here*.

Well I’m quite happy with the company we’re with now. Thanks anyway.

I’m thinking, that my last sentence pretty much signals the end of our stimulating conversation but alas it does not.

If you could just tell me which ‘free’ option you’d like, then I can get you started.

Get me started on what? Unless you’re offering me a free trip to Africa, $10,000 in cash, a new car and a hot massage, I’m not biting.

Excuse me? Ah, well, I, ah, well we can give you a free phone. *Insert asinine fucking retarded fake laugh here*

I have 2 phones that I’m happy with, we get along very well.

Well you could get the 2 extras such as call waiting and call forwarding, and they’d be free for 2 months! Two months!

Wow! Fantastic. But I get SIX free features with my current phone service provider. All. The. Time.

You could save 5% off of your total bill for 5 months!!!!!!!!

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No.

Can I just…….

Listen, I know it’s your job to call me and mispronounce my name even though it’s quite simple to pronounce (my daughter could spell it for shits sake at age 2) and I know you’re all excited when you tell me about your ‘free stuff’ but I’m telling you, I’m not switching. Never. Ever.

But you can even keep your same phone number!

Super. I’m still not switching. You have yourself a nice day now. See ya. And by see ya, I mean I’m going to get out my voodoo doll and stick needles in it, pretending it’s you. What’s your name again?

Are you sure……….

I hung up. Geez. Like I have things to do mister annoying telephony man. I have M&M’s to look after. I have hair to flat iron. I have booze that requires my attention church functions to attend. Sigh. It’s hard being me.

Okay, time to get in the shower. It’s like 1pm-ish and here I’ve sat for most of the day. I did clean earlier and feed my kids so it’s not like I did nothing. Close to it but not quite. Ya’ll (don’t I sound cute when I say that? No? Well then.) have a super friggin’ Saturday.

November 12, 2005

I love the community we live in. It’s for the most part, quiet, everything is close to us, tons of stuff within walking distance, everything at your fingertips. Our street is a cul de sac and although fairly big, it’s quiet and noone really ever bothers you. Well almost never.


We live next door to an older couple, I’m guessing in their late 60’s if not early 70’s. The old guy is pretty nice, always says hello, waves etc. Never really had a problem with them until this past summer. They have 2 small dogs and that was never an issue until they built their fence. Well after the completion of their spanking new white fence, they would happily go to work and their small gray shit mutt would make his way through the tiny “doggy door” they had cut out of their back door. That wouldn’t necessarily be a problem had their little shit hound kept his yappy, annoying, high pitched barking trap shut. And this dog (and I’m sorry but it weighs like maybe 4 lbs…it’s a hairy cat I’m sure) barked for HOURS. Not just a yap here and there but a continuous, torturous, sound barrier splitting, blood coming out of your ears, rather poke rusty nails in your eye sockets than listen to that dog bark just one more time kind of bark. My living room wall faces their backyard, so when I would be trying to happily enjoy my computer time, I’d hear it. Go on and on and on and on and on…………OH MY GAWD. Shoot me. No, wait, shoot the dog. Remove it’s vocal cords, send electric shocks through it’s ass, something, anything. Send electric shocks through my ass if it will stop the insanity of having to listen to that dog. Make it stop.


This went on for days, weeks, it never stopped until they got home at suppertime each day. I had every intention of calling Animal Control and reporting them. But I got lazy and never got around to it. Hubby said he was going to talk to them before we would report them if we decided to report them. Well one evening while hubby and I were out, and the older kids were home, the doorbell rang. It was yappy dog’s granny canvassing the neighborhood, wanting to know who reported her for her asshole dog’s continuous barking. Matt answered the door and told her, that the dog was quite annoying (yay Matt!) but that as far as he knew his parents didn’t call Animal Control. She proceeded to tell Matt that she was going to go door to door and find out who did this. They were fined $500 bucks (awwww, that bites doesn’t it?) and she was determined to find the culprit. I’d like to know too and give them a fucking medal, a trophy and a big wet kiss. Thank the Lord for whoever called! I’d kiss their freakin’ feet.


Anyway, after that, we didn’t hear yappy asshole out much and the barking pretty much stopped. I think they kept it inside after that. Well fast forward to this past Thursday evening. I had just got the kids to bed and was enjoying the quiet when the doorbell rang. I open my front door to granny go lucky and she starts off the conversation, with “Have you heard the dog barking?” (and she says it in a snarky, old bitty, want to slap your face kind of voice). I tell her no that I’ve not heard it all lately. I put on a fake smile and wish she’d leave immediately. She’s really a weird old bird. Then she says, (in the same bitchy voice), “Well we went out and bought one of them there collars and it cost me $100 bucks.” Wow, like I fucking care. As long as that thing isn’t barking and making my ears bleed, I could give a rats ass what you do with your money or your shit mutt. However, I didn’t really say that, I sure thought it though. I just continued to fake smile at her and replied, “Lovely.” She stormed away without another word. Wow, love thy neighbor. Uh hunh.