Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!

Archive for the 'Food Disasters' Category

November 18, 2009

Where did I put that?

I hate to cook.  I. HATE. IT.  I am not Martha Stewartish or Rachel Rayish in the slightest.  I would rather stab YOU (no offense) in the ass than cook a meal.  Ask the meatloaf.

However, there are times that I will act all kitchen-bitchish, as if I know what the hell I’m doing.  On occasion, I do know what I’m doing – if it doesn’t involve recipes of more than say, 3 ingredients and/or the oven.  I kid.  Or not.

I decided I would make a shepards pie.  I do happen to make that very well – call it luck if you want, point is, I can make it well and people actually eat it and DON’T DIE AND SHIT.  I’ve not felt like cooking meals of late (as if I ever do) and was all excited to prepare good food for my family.  Sometimes, I like them.

I wanted to make everything ahead of time, so that when suppertime rolled around, all we’d have to do is heat up the shepards pie.  So, for an hour in the early afternoon, I got busy.  By 3 p.m. the casserole was done and ready for reheating later on.  Super.  I could nap clean the house.

At around 6 p.m., the fam is looking for food.  Great.  As if I like to cook.  I know what you’re thinking – hello?  you made a shepards pie!, use that? yeah?  – hey, don’t judge me.  I can’t even remember what I ended up cooking – yes, I can feel your judgy eyes on me and I DON’T LIKE IT – but my family got fed.  They just didn’t eat the shepards pie I had worked my fingers to the bone (*might* be a slight exaggeration) to make.

Let us fast forward to last night.  Yet another evening where I get all chef-y and decide to cook.  Like with real pots and pans and again, turning on the oven.  You know when you turn on the oven and it goes ding when it’s all heated up and stuff?  Yeah, I hardly recognize that sound myself, but you know what I mean, right?  Right.

So, oven dings, announcing it’s all HOT and bothered, and I put on those fancy mittons that feel all yucky and fuzzy and open the oven door to put the salmon in to bake and um, I noticed something.

Like, it may or may not have been the shepards pie I made a few days ago:


Still in the oven.  From four-ish days ago.  Right.  So.  I’m assuming it’s not any good now.  I mean it involves MEAT.  And I may not be the brightest bulb when it comes to preparing meals, but I do know meat left out for a few days is usually not suitable to eat.  ‘Cause you might die if you eat it.  So, don’t eat it.

I was wondering where I had put that shepards pie and the mystery was solved.  Whew.  Had my brain working overtime trying to figure out where the hell I had put it.

Serving it to my family tonight *might* be a bad thing.  Just sayin’.

I’m cooking again tonight.  By cooking, I mean, I’m ORDERING TAKEOUT.

Posted by Sassy @ 5:10 pmEmbarrassing,Food Disasters7 comments  

April 6, 2009

Would you dig in a smelly bag of trash for a silver ring?

Would you dig in a disgusting, smelly bag of garbage for a silver ring? And yes, there really is a ring in there – not a trick question – so would you?

I’m asking for a particular reason – see, I have to do just that. I have this really pretty heart-shaped silver ring with a tiny diamond in the center of the heart and I took it off the other day and was going to put it in the adorable jewelry box my best friend gave me, but no, I was lazy and just set it inside the cabinet over the island in the kitchen, which wouldn’t be a big deal. That cabinet doesn’t get opened often, so really, it could have sat there for days – weeks even – without incident. However, my husband wanted me to make a call for him today, and I needed a piece of paper and a pen to write some numbers down, and where is the paper and pens? Yep, in that cabinet, which I opened the door, and when I reached for the notepad, I set off a paper avalanche, and that in turn knocked the ring off the shelf in the cabinet, and it bounced onto the island and plop, into the open garbage bag that doesn’t normally sit on the floor by the island but I was cleaning out my fridge and pantry and disposing of items no longer safe for human consumption, that really, could probably pass for science experiments.

That sure was a long, rambling sentence, for which I do apologize but I didn’t want to lose my momentum. Plus, I’m stalling. The garbage bag full of gross garbage (not that there is garbage that isn’t gross) is smelling up my house and my ring is sitting in there somewhere – I’m guessing at the very bottom of the bag – and I know if I want my pretty ring back, I must dig through that bag, but I’m nauseous just thinking about it. One plus though – I do have a wicked-ass cold, so my sense of smell is not quite a hundred percent, which will work in my favor. However, my cold has not affected my eyesight, so I’ll see the grossness, which in turn will probably make me puke.

Wish me luck – I’m goin’ in.

*Edit* I found it – less than five minutes of garbage picking. *Insert gagging noise here*

Posted by Sassy @ 6:57 pmEmbarrassing,Food Disasters,Nonsense12 comments  

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