One (or rather several) search string was “dog tampons.” Please dog lovers/owners, tell me that there are not doggie tampons. I was way too scared to click any of the links. I’ve never in my life heard of such a thing. Who inserts them? Who takes them out? Wait – why am I asking these questions? Surely there is no such product as DOG TAMPONS. Right? *Shudder*

Another search string was concerning, but honestly, it really should concern the person typing it on Google. It was really, ah, perhaps the person should seek MEDICAL attention instead of sitting at their computer. They typed in “why is brown stuff leaking from my vagina.” I haven’t the foggiest idea and what’s even more puzzling is how they arrived here. I don’t even want to know. Seriously though, the words “leaking” and “vagina” in the same sentence is never good.

Speaking of vagina’s – no kidding, I have no more vajayjay talk. Well I mean I could but let’s save that for another day. Oh wait, Britney flashed her cooter again. Seriously, who forgets underwear that many times? How do I know this? I wrote about it for work. Sweet eh? Writing about Britney’s crotch helps me pay for things. Wow that sounds super creepy when I write it out like that. Sooo….anyone watch American Idol? What about Survivor? No, I’m not recapping, I was just asking.

Anyway, if anyone with a dog would kindly let me know if there really is such thing as dog tampons, that’d be great. I’m not sure why I feel the need to know but it’s one less mystery I have to worry about. I’m totally praying that there isn’t.

I like cats. I’m not a fanatical cat lover though – they’re cute, easy to have as a family member and sometimes you have to pet them. Today, while looking up something for my daughter’s project (about cats), I found a website that made me laugh HARD. I cried – it was THAT funny.

I’m sure most of you know about Facebook, and if not, well I’m not explaining it. Obviously you’ve been doing the whole “living under a rock/in a cave” thing if you’ve never heard of FB. Well, good news for all of you crazy cat people. There’s a social networking site just for your pussies! Yes, you heard me right.

It’s called Catster…Here Kitty Kitty and you can just go nuts on there. Your cat can put up pictures of themselves getting drunk and hugging the porclein bowl if they so choose or how they like to snuggle Aunt Martha’s lap. They can write their bio, show what mood they’re in and even rate themselves! Their profiles can be voted on and they get little paw prints to show how many votes they actually got. All very sweet.

Cats can even add their friends. Meow! You can see how popular your pussy is and even send other cats gifts (treats) JUST LIKE FACEBOOK. It’s so weird cute. I discovered this one HERE. I’ll leave it up to you to decide just how awesome this site is. So if you’re someone who has a boatload of cats, get them signed up. Or if they’re a genius cat like the one I showed you is, I’m sure they can sign up all by their little four legged self.

‘Why does my poop look like rabbit turds’?

Because you ate that rabbit. Eat cows or pigs, then you’ll have bigger poo. Just sayin’. Or eat a chicken and then lay eggs. Geez, make yourself useful why dontcha.

‘you come into my yard and you kick my dog’

You came into my yard and peed on my patio set, so I thought that would even things up yo’.

‘I have to poop really bad but it won’t come out, what do I do’?

You get a small shovel and pray. Look, I’m not a doctor, so what’d you expect?

‘sassy pencil case’

I have a pencil case and yes, it’s sassy all right. Everything I own is sassy. Don’t ever forget that.

‘sassy sweatpants’

Bite your tongue. There are no sweatpants on this earth that are sassy. They aren’t sexy. Or cute. Or pretty. Burn them now.

‘big buckets of poop’

Ummm try KFC’s bucket. It’s not great chicken but it’s better than poo, however, it will make you poo 2.5 hours after eating it. I suppose then you could just put your poo in the bucket and then you’d have a big bucket of poo. Aren’t I helpful?

‘Marnie Cook’

Holy crap…..I think my stalker is back. My Marnie Cook stalker. Read this if you want to know what I’m talking about. I’m skeered.

‘pictures of really bad bunions’

Whatever floats yer boat.

And there you have it. Your day is complete and I’m so thrilled that I could be the one to deliver such joy to you. You can now end your day on a note of pure ecstacy. I must go now because I suffered some sort of heart attack/stroke/convulsion thing due to my daughter going missing earlier today and it tired me out. Ah, we found her and I’ll explain tomorrow when I am not so drunk feel like talking about it.

Freeze dried whackaloon

I don’t even know what to say about this. Is ‘whackaloon’ the new word for ‘asshat’? I’m just as confused as you are. I thought one of the results was kinda interesting though. It was some gossip celebrity site that posted, ‘Tom Cruise is a freeze dried whackaloon with man boobs’. Okay, I’ll agree to that.

I like to swim but I have short permed hair

In that case, you may not ever get your hair wet. You will look really silly and wouldn’t we all rather stay dry than get ugly wet hair? And really, who still perms their really short hair? Is this ’83? No. Get with the times lady. Or maybe you’re a man. I dunno. Either way, the perm is dead.

Real guy diapered

Some people are into this. If you’re reading this and you’re in a diaper and are over two, seek help. Big time professional help. And if you’re under two and reading this, where is your mother?

What constitutes ‘white trashy’?

If you eat CheezeWhiz, your favourite colour is ‘shiny’ and you have a window air conditioner, then you are white trash. I should know.

You are sexy oh my shit

I think this was a come on line for me. And how can I disagree with that? Unless the person was meaning their poo is sexy? If so, then that’s disturbing and I think they should perhaps get out more, meet some people, STOP STARING AT THEIR POO. Just sayin’.

I bore my boyfriend

Well when you talk about your hangnails 24/7, what do you expect? Come to my blog and read my stories and then tell your boyfriend about them and he’ll be entertained and intrigued for hours. He’ll then want to come here and read for himself, thank you for leading him here and he’ll fall in love with me and I’ll have to break his heart because I’m all ready taken and then he’ll run back to you and realize that he’s sorta homely and he shouldn’t have called you boring because he’s freakin’ lucky to even get a girl, even if you have a slight beard and back hair and then he’ll ask you to marry him and then you’ll get pregnant right away (on purpose) and then you’ll have trapped him into staying with you even though you really are boring but you’ll be together now forever because of the 9 kids you’ve popped out and then you’ll shower me with ‘thank yous’ forever because I helped this all come true. You’re so very welcome.

What is the Shrek Mcflurry

It’s danger is what it is. Read this , I’ve explained it in detail. Stop Googling it now people. I’ve told the world about it, so be warned.

I want to upset my neighbor

Mow your lawn in the nude and be sure to bend over to tinker with your lawn mower a few times. That will surely upset them. Trust me.

Volcano filled with poop

I’d get far, far away incase that baby erupts. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. Geez.

Weird feeling punched in the head

Yes, it’s called being punched in the head. It hurts.

And thus, I’ve concluded my ‘Sassy’s Sunday Search Strings’ and you’re so flippin’ entertained, you could just scream. Or maybe you want to scream because I’ve caused you to fall asleep momentarily and you drooled on your new keyboard and now your z,x,c and space bar are wet and yucky. Oopsie.

I thought I’d do something to put everyone to sleep fun by talking about my recent search strings. I always wonder what people are thinking when they search for certain things/phrases on the big ole’ web world. And by wonder, I mean, I could give a rat’s ass but I’m bored. Moving on………

‘What flavor is Shrek’

Well to answer you, I don’t know what flavour Shrek is. He’s big, green, kinda fugly and looks like he’d be smelly. I’m guessing he’s somewhere between green tea, mixed with rotten socks, with some 23 day old bananas but let’s get real here shall we? He’s a fucking cartoon. You can’t eat him mmmkay?

‘I chipped off the corner of my sidewalk with my lawnmower’

Big enough search string? Geez, write a book already. To give you some advice for that style of lawnmowing, here’s a tip: Don’t get drunk, then mow your lawn, moron. And what kind of lawnmower are you using that it actually chipped your sidewalk? Is your sidewalk made out of cheese? If so, I’d suggest selling your home immediately and sending me half of your profits for giving you the balls to get off your ass and sell your house that’s in front of a cheese sidewalk. Gross.

‘I really got to pee n poop’

Ummmm here’s a suggestion: FIND.A.FUCKING.TOILET.

‘Oh my gawd your daughter came into my yard and kicked my dog’

Well your dog came into her yard first and shit on her Barbies, so what did you expect? You go girl.

‘My daughter wears sweatpants’

Sick. She’s obviously sick in the head. Sweatpants? I’d rather drive rusty nails into my eye sockets than be caught dead (or alive) in sweatpants. Punch her now. She needs some sense knocked into her. Do it now if you truly love her. Break her of her nasty habit NOW.

‘Tell Mommy, did you break this lamp?’

Yes I did mommy because it sucks. You have rotten taste in lamps beeyotch, so I broke that mo-fo.

‘Shrek McFlurry’

Trust me, you don’t want one of these. I talked about it here and I think after reading that, you will know WHY you don’t want one of those. Also see the first search string above….Shrek smells. ‘Nuff said.

‘Oh my my my my’

Stutter much? If you stutter, don’t write to me and say I offended you. I’m busy making fun of you cleaning.

‘Diapered kids’

Yes, these are called BABIES.

‘Why are my shoes all dirty with the stains’

Because you stained them with the dirt, duh. Assclown.

There you have it, your complete Saturday (or Sunday if you’re in NZ) entertainment. I’m always so glad when I can help you with your weekend plans. I am so fucking lame rock.