Oh My Gawd Sodagirl!

Archive for the 'Glamourous' Category

March 13, 2009

JLo makes my chest glitter.

So, ya, can’t believe I’m going to admit this to the five people thousands who adore me, but here goes.

A few weeks ago, I was shopping and wanted to buy some new perfume. I like having different options – sort of like my obsession with handbags, you know, you want different looks for different days of the week and so forth. Same goes for scent – some days you may want to smell flowery, others, you may want to smell like onions. You get my drift.

I see all sorts of fragrance bottles – Paris Hilton even has her own stink (that’s for you Karl) and as I’m browsing, looking at all of the choices before me, something catches my eye. It’s in a black box with a sparkling silver cover. It’s JLo’s “Glow” and surprisingly, it smelled nice. In the box, besides the perfume, there was a purse-sized roll-on “JLo Glow After Dark” and scented cream. It was reasonably priced, so I bought it.

Later that evening, we were going out for supper and after I showered, I decided I’d wear my new perfume and try out the cream. I am a freak about moisturizing and hope to have subtle skin well into my 80s. Sure, I’m probably delusional, but that’s another story. I rub the cream all over my neck, chest, arms and legs (and maybe other areas, but this is not that kind of post) and spray some of the perfume. I decided to wear a semi-low cut blouse (not trashy, because I don’t do slutty and my kids, particularly my grown sons, would be terribly grossed out. Pam Anderson’s fashion sense I do not have), put on my pants, jewelry, and I’m ready. Of course I’m making it sound like it was a time frame of about five minutes, but technically, it was more like 2 hours. What can I say? I’m a girlie wench.

We arrived at the restaurant, and while we’re waiting to be seated, I take off my coat. I’m sitting there, minding my own damn business, when one of my adult sons, clears his throat and says:

I don’t mean to be creepy and I wasn’t looking, but it’s kind of hard not to notice – why is your cleavage glittering?

My cleavage is glittering?

Yeah.

Um, seriously?

Yeah.

My family starts laughing. Not sure how I didn’t notice my chest glittering before we left, but somehow I missed it. I looked down and yup, I was covered in glitter. All over my arms, hands, neck, chest and boobage area. Luckily, I was wearing pants and shoes, so at least my legs and feet were saved from the embarrassment.

When we got home, I checked the cream container and sure enough, it reads ‘night glow body lotion’ which apparently means CONTAINS A SHITLOAD OF GLITTER. The ‘night glow’ must mean, when you’re in a low-lit area such as the restaurant we were in, the glitter really pops out. Needless to say, I was slightly horrified.

Did I throw it out? Hell no, I’m wearing it again tonight. That’s the way I roll folks, that’s the way I roll.

Thank you, Jennifer Lopez, for making my chest glitter.

Posted by Sassy @ 7:10 pmEmbarrassing,Glamourous6 comments  

December 16, 2008

The snow is so beautiful. By beautiful, I mean gross.

I am so not a winter person. However, being born and raised in Eastern Canada, I grew up with snow during the winter months, and sometimes the fall months and spring. Lots of it. When we moved to Western Canada, more specifically, Calgary, I learned to tolerate the winter months quite a bit better. Sure we get cold snaps (we’re in one hell of a one now), and we do get snow but usually it’s nothing compared to the east. But let’s just say that old bitch winter with all of her blowing and snowing decided to dump on us. I’m not happy. See? Please don’t tell me snow is ‘pretty’. Or ‘scenic’. I hate it:

snow

Since we now live on a street where we’re on the sidewalk side, we have to make sure it’s shoveled or I guess someone comes kick your ass if you’ve not cleared the snow. Plus we have to make sure our walkway is cleared off or maybe the newspaper person comes to your door and falls on your step because it’s snowy and slippery and you get your ass sued. And of course we have to shovel our driveway or it’s hard to park our vehicles. All this bullshit shoveling is a bit of a problem for me. I only own nice boots with nice high heels and usually they’re not lined. I mean I’m looking for style not freakin’ warmth or practicality. That’s for the birds. Or the something or other.

Since my husband was going to be gone all day working, it was up to me to get the shoveling done. Or at least most of it. What do I wear on my feet? I can’t go out there with high-heeled ankle boots, I’ll break my bloody neck and get frost bite to boot (ha, see that play on words? Ya!) so I have to find something else to wear. I can’t wear sandals. I can’t wear pumps. I could wear sneakers – if I owned any. I hate sneakers. Well, I do have a pair of Guess sneakers (OH MY GOSH Y’ALL, LOOK AT ME NAME DROPPIN’) but they’re for working out in style and they’re really not sneaker sneakers because they have sequins and are all pretty with matching laces, not fug, plain white laces (no offense to plain white laces). Anyway, the only thing I could do – was put on my 12-year-old son’s boots. Mind you they were too big, but they were practical and warm. Perfect:

boots

Yes, I had nice black dress pants on (because that’s what most people wear to shovel snow) and my son’s boots. Stylish to say the least. Uh, ya.

So there I was, out in freeze-your-balls-off-below-humanly-acceptable-temperatures, shoveling snow off the walkway so the freakin’ newspaper person doesn’t slip. Hey – we don’t even get the newspaper. At least I looked stylish from the neck up, you know, in my $10 sunglasses, $12 fake fur hat and $19 Gap scarf that doesn’t even belong to me:

hate-snow

Nothing will ever make me love snow. No person can ever change my mind about snow. I don’t like one thing about it – except when it melts.

In celebration of my hatred of snow, I bought a tee-shirt. The caption pretty much sums up what I’d like to say to snow. I let my gingerbread men speak for me:

bite-me

Oh and I just realized – it’s only December 16th. Winter hasn’t even officially started. SUPER.

Posted by Sassy @ 11:07 pmGlamourous,Just Stuff.,Winter sucks balls2 comments  






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