January 3, 2008

Well the holidays are officially over. Kinda. My kids are still home until the 7th but the presents are put away and the tree is down and the snowmen in their boxes. I did all of that on December 26th. After having my tree up since November 17th, it was time.

I’m sure all of the parents out there that do the whole Santa routine, put out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk and may or may not put something out for the reindeer. This year, we had to do something slightly different after a pre-Christmas conversation I had with my seven year old daughter.

Mom, this year we are not putting out cookies for Santa.

Um, why not?

Well, because have you seen him? He’s fat. He doesn’t look healthy. I’m sorry Mom, but Santa Claus just does not need one more cookie. I will not contribute to his unhealthyness. Is that a word Mom?

Ah, well I’m still stuck on the fact that you used ‘contribute.’

I’m seven. I know that stuff.

Of course you do.

So? Can we leave Santa something else instead of the cookies?

Sure, what do you want to leave him?

He can have some fruit and those reindeer can have a carrot. They probably pig out too and there’s no need for that.

You’re probably right.

Yes I am.

I think you are.

Good, it’s settled then. Santa can have fruit. And water. He doesn’t need to fill up on milk either. Water is good for your body.

Yes. How did you get so smart?

Duh, I was born this way.

There you go, that’s my heartwarming Christmas story. Santa is fat. Happy 2008.

Oh, and by the way, thank you to anyone, whether you’re a friend or a stranger, who clicked my posts and helped me get to the bonus level for work. It’s a great way to start out the new year!

October 30, 2007

I love Halloween. By love, I mean, who invented it? Who came up with the tradition to take huge, orange vegetables and cut the tops of them off, scoop out the enormous amounts of stringy shit and seeds and then attempt to be ‘artistic’ on the surface of them? Huh? Who? I’d like to slap thank them hard.

I decided that my 2 youngest children needed five pumpkins as opposed to just one each. Who buys 5 pumpkins? Someone who seemed to forget just from last Halloween how absolutely fun it is to carve pumpkins. Wow. She sounds like a moron.

By the time I was done carving the said 5 pumpkins, my hands looked like I got into Lindsay Lohan’s medicine cabinet. No, no, no, not like all white n’ powdery and stuff, but orange. My hands honestly looked like I’d had a bad fight with a huge bottle of self tanner. I was day-glowing. They’re still slightly ‘tanned’ today even after showering. Not the most attractive look.

As for the pumpkins, I might take pictures of them tomorrow night when they are all lit up and glowing and share them with you because I know ya’ll (my tribute to Britney) be waiting for them. I have nothing else to say, so I’m going to go eat a pumpkin.