April 10, 2007
Raise your hand if you’ve eaten way too much of your children’s chocolate from Easter? Your shirts are probably stained from it too right? And you forgot to go pee in the toilet and just did it in your pants because you were too busy gorging yourself on chocolate? Am I right or am I right? Oh. Anyhooo, moving right along…..
I think the Easter bunny was a little tipsy this year. She ended up putting a bottle of bubbles in her son’s Easter basket. And what’s the big deal about that? Well the bottle was a duck. Yes, a duck filled with bubbles. You’re thinking to yourself, what’s the big deal? Well, the retarded Easter bunny forgot that the 11 year old boy that lives in this house is terrified of ducks. Although we don’t know why, he just is. So great job Easter bunny. You suck rock.
We had such an exciting Easter lemme just tell you. I am probably a bitch for telling you all about our excitement because then you’re going to be jealous and then end up throwing food at me but that’s okay, my shirt’s already stained from the chocolate remember?
I was awoken at 7am by my daughter. She apparently didn’t get the memo, that Easter isn’t like Christmas and mommy doesn’t give a rat’s ass about baskets and candy and that we do not need to wake at the ass crack of dawn to do an egg hunt. It’s really just not necessary. So she pestered me for 2 AND A HALF HOURS while we waited for hubby and her brother to wake up. They decided to sleep in. Just my luck. She just couldn’t believe that we had to wait for them to get up. I told her that, sure, you go wake them up and see what happens, I dare ya. She decided that maybe she should listen to her mother and instead of waking them, she tortured me with reasons why we should wake them up and how life isn’t fair when you wake up super early because you’re excited it’s Easter and everyone else just wants to sleep. Oh the injustice of it all. She made me do a questionaire. She asked me things like ‘do you think the Easter bunny is just some dude dressed in a giant rabbit costume or do you think it’s just a giant bunny’? And ‘if you were allowed to rob a bank, would you’? And ‘what’s your opinion on parents who are snoopy, you know, parents who go through all your stuff’? What is she 17? Am I on trial here? Geez. All I wanted was to be able to sleep until 8am. Is that asking too much? I think not.
Once hubby and Ryan got up, the kids rifled through their goody baskets and then did the chocolate egg hunt. They told me the Easter bunny was kinda lame in his/her hiding of the eggs and that he/she should make it harder next year. Like they aren’t 2. Soooorrrrry. *Note to self* Don’t hide eggs while drinking eating.
After all that fun, we got dressed and went to the new house to work. We spent all day there. All day. I was envisioning a barbequed steak and a baked potato and thought for sure we’d go home and make it a dream come true. Instead daughter begged her father to take us to McDonald’s. Yum. I love eating there so I can feel nausous and bloated and become delusional from the toxins in their food. It was the best Easter dinner ever. Ever. I know, I know, you’re so freakin’ green with envy right now that you almost want to beat me up. I know I shouldn’t have said anything but I’m evil like that. I just have to make you all drool over my daredevil, livin’ on the edge of my seat lifestyle. It’s a habit that I just can’t break.
I’m off to do more packing. How can one person have that much stuff in her closet? I mean really, who has that many trophies for being cool and sexy in their room? Sheesh, it’s embarrassing for me. It’s just not fair to you how awesome I am. But you’ll get through it and love me just the same.
November 3, 2005
So I take my youngest two out trick or treating. We head out at about 6pm…it’s just getting dark, exciting. Sure.
We decided to start at the house directly across the street from our front door. Now we live on a cul de sac…..a pretty big cul de sac, so we don’t know everyone or even almost everyone on our street. But of course we do recognize some of the people who live around us. And our neighbors across the street, we don’t know them, but we do say hi, nod, wave.
They’re a young couple..mid 20′s, both work full time, no kids. They have a rottweiler and a cat. They’re, well, young urban, look down their noses at people with children, better than YOU, kind of couple. Huhn huh. So we walk up their little cement path and ring their doorbell. I’m thinking, this is going to take, what 10 seconds at most? My kids will mumble “trick or treat”, open their 47 cent Walmart Halloween bags, the candy gets dropped in, they mumble a “thank you” and we’re onto the next house. WRONG. DoufusYuppieGuy opens the door. Looks kinda shocked at seeing 2 little people with costumes on. Ummm it’s Halloween remember? So on comes his plastic, fake smile (and he wasn’t even wearing a mask!) and he says, “What do we have here?”…….Well we have 2 children waiting for you, big dumbass, to put some yummies in their bags. Hello? Duh. So he says to MollyGotABroomStickUpHerUptightAss, “Where’s the Halloween candy?” I’m thinking, ok, so they’re so busy with their high powered jobs (sure) that they completely forgot it was October 31st. Riiiiiiiiight. Then the fun really began….
MollyGotABroomStickUpHerUptightAss…”Well I’m not sure where the Halloween candy is because mommy is busy cleaning up cat puke”.
Mommy? She refers to herself as mommy? She’s got a dog and a cat as far as I know unless those are her children that she birthed and they’re just really hairy and walk on all fours. Sheesh, who am I to judge what her offspring look like?
DoufusYuppieGuy….”Well if mommy remembered where she put the candy, then daddy could give it to the kids.”
OMG he calls himself daddy? I’m going to barf. I swear.
MollyGotABroomStickUpHerUptightAss…”Well if daddy would help mommy with cleaning up the cat puke, then mommy could help daddy find the Halloween candy.”
Ummmmm can you say UNCOMFORTABLE????????? While all this is taking place, my kids are just standing there, wondering what the hell the holdup is? Like just give us some candy people and we can move on. I’m thinking the exact same thing. So MollyGotABroomStickUpHerUptightAss says, “Oh I found the candy. So daddy, you can hand it out while I go back to cleaning up the cat puke.” Wow. I’m thinking, if they have that kind of conversation infront of STRANGERS what is said when noone is around? And OMG do they continually talk in the third person? And I’m also thinking, OMG are they going to breed? Sweet Jesus, let’s hope not.
Halloween story number two……this takes place only 2 houses past Yuppieville…actually the old couple that lives right next door. They must love all occassions really. Why you ask? Well when we first moved into this house it was September. And soon after it was Christmas. And if you peered into their livingroom window, you could see their Christmas tree. Big deal right? Ya well, on the wall next to the Christmas tree was some Halloween decorations. And opposite that was her Easter shit. And it stayed up until February. All of it. They’re a bit odd. Nice old people but odd. Anyway, we go up their walkway and head up their front steps. And they go all out for Halloween. Lights, shit hanging in their tree, pumpkins, shit on the window, shit on their walls, Halloween shit everywhere. And lying on their front step was a dead body. Well it was a stuffed scarecrow type man’s body and his head was a pumpkin. ‘Cept the pumpkin was not in good shape. A long, vile looking tongue was carved and hanging out of the pumpkin and along with that, were the guts of the pumpkin, looking quite mangled and kinda reddish and spouting seeds like some kind of B rated horror movie effects. It was actually quite brilliant if you’re into that kind of thing. My kids, are clearly not. Ryan looks at it and is immediately afraid that he’s stepped in the pumpkin goo. He’s got a very weak stomache and I’m afraid something a tad more nasty than the pumpkin poo presented on the steps is going to come out of him. He says, “I’m not going to look anymore, I’m not going to look anymore. THAT’S NASTY.” So let that be the end of it. Please. Well Madison has to put her 2 cents in. She looks at it, and proclaims, “That is just NASTY! OMG mom, that is sooooo nasty! Blaaaaaaa Blaaaaaaaaaaa Bwwwwwoooooooooooo, Ouuuuhhhhhh, WaaaaaaaBlaaaaaa…..” She is making the most disgusting vomiting noises I think I’ve ever heard. They actually sounded……wet. Ewwwww. They were more repulsive than someone actually vomitting. She is clearly not helping Ryan’s stomache. Someone please send this child to drama class because her talent is being wasted on the doorstep of the old people. By this time, Ryan is kind of green looking and he’s not wearing any Halloween makeup. “Maddy please stop making barfing noises for the love of God before your brother brings up his supper next to the dead straw man.” “But mom, that is soooooooooo friggin’ nasty.” “Yes, yes it is Madison. So let’s not focus on just how revolting it is.” Finally old lady comes to the door and plops the candy in their bags. We walk back to the street and Ryan says he’s never going back to that house ever again even if it’s not Halloween. Madison opens her mouth, I’m sure, to begin the puke-o-rama voiceover again, so I tell her to put a lid on it. Happy Halloween!
